Oct 13, 2012
two hours til day 22. i made it. wow. amazing.
i read the first step again it makes no sense to me. maybe cuz i am just so so tired.
i must sleep tonite. i have so much to do tomorrow, a whole day of work for the school site visit, lesson plans, sorting papers and grading tests ugh ugh. yeah ugh! and work out, that will be king if i sleep, i will go to the wet track ooh and also eye dr so i can get new contax and he said he will make this right eye see better! minus 9. oh
i read someone post that you have to have a plan for the bad days. what plan? i assume that does not mean driving by my heroin connect's house. yeah not really a very good plan. go to a meeting? what else. call ppl? im confused. what other choices are there for aftercare cuz i've searched the net exhaustively and im in therapy aredy
oh my and
well he takes good care of me when he is not dr--- and he aint been for a while maybe most of four weeks. and i don't want that taking care of but i need it and i have to accept it.
i even put on my wedding ring again. its been so so long id even k how long. and i still got picked up on the commuter train!!!! im so very tired of it all.
thank god for my ss. you know, it is the most normal i've felt all day relating to him. he fell on some plant at school and gouged out a huge cut in his calf. it's bloody and nasty. the school nurse said it was a stake he fell on. he went to urgent care w. dad and they dressed it and everything but two days later it is still bleeding through the bandage. oh my ss is growing so tall and big. he has a mustache! omg. and i told my h. that he needs more attn and thats why he is acting bad at school and bad with dad and mom. but. i noticed when we are all here together in the living room and he is watching his fave soccer (mexico from the olympix recorded) he is the most relaxed and happy. i never want to admit i play a part in his life but i suppose i do. he's always been good with me and i just wel ok i just love spending time with him. and i've been withdrawn. so maybe you know maybe you know he needs me too idk
im angry and fustrated cuz the contractor is dragging his feet again. im irritated that i have to get involved. i was so used to just zoning out on my high and letting him do it all. even so i feel irritated that he needs me to be articulate and eloquent and assertive. i feel like we are never going to get back in our house. i feel like i am going to strangle the contractor.
i got some bad news about a friend i used to be close to. actually i dug up the info myself and now im sorry im such a stupid private detective. i should have left well enuf alone. now i know the sad truth and my heart was in my mouth for at least half an hour trying to come to terms with what i had found out. jeez. i just can't get over it. it's hard to believe someone could harm themselves more than i harm myself. once again i blame myself just as i did when i first found out about this person and what they had done. i'm reliving it now and i feel completely responsible though i know this is preposterous.
medhelp is sad for west coast players and at night and on weekends. nobody is home. medhelp, where are you????
if you're responsible for your recovery, how can you surrender?
also C. wrote to me asking why i am angry at her. like, seriously? like really? seriously like really?
sometimes, when i am feeling really bad, especially when im freaking out in front of a class, i remember all the ppl who are strong and behind me, supporting me, rooting for me ... sarah and ib and debbie and my sponsor deb and sara my sponsor and con and k and s.i. and Fb and v and amelia and lisa and everyone oh everyone and everyone and everyone. and it makes me feel better.
the train is crooning by, and the air still has vestiges of wet in it from the rains. i hope the track isn't muddy. the running track, i mean.
maybe if i sleep, i will get that good feeling back, and i won't be thinking about using tomorrow. that is my hope.