Oct 14, 2012
mh makes me happy. i have to say. my heart feels light today and my cranky sinus headachey self grimacing woke up too early expression turned into a smile when i logged onto mh. ohhhh, mh, will you marry me? oh wait. im alredy marreed. dam! sike sike ay!!!!!
omg ... it's morning!!!! yes, everyone else is still sleeping. the whole world is asleep. but its a beeyootiful day here, sunny and crisp. i have so much work ahead of me. i have to put some kind of limit on it. what if i do all this stuff for nothing and i get fired? what if what if what if what if ... what if i can stay clean til next Sunday. omg!!!! that's centuries away. positive centuries.
well. what can i do. what should i do. ok. i'm going to ... work out ... do work for school and ... track down the contractor and rough him up. that guy. incredible. he is a straight up slacker and hater. i don't care if our job is insurance. we could be back in that house! seriously it is like 3 weeks' work max. paint, refinish the floors, replace the windows, lay the carpet that's it!!!! i could find a contractor in five minutes that WANTS the work!
ok im done complaining. i'm alive and i have a place to live. that's all that matters. amen.
you know what, i could sit down and write a story today. my stomach just turned over when i wrote that. i could though i could even go into my studio and do it. or just dance dancing is so much easier than writing real writing.
sometimes, when i go into my studio, i look around and see all the damage in the laminate floors and on the walls in the drywall and all the furniture i broke and holes everywhere chips and dents when i was high and i freaked out and threw things. that's nice huh. the other day i was trying to reframe it like ... how can i come to terms with all that damage i did when i was using. i couldn't. i mean. like, at least you still have a studio. at least it looks well used and broken in. at least it is a life lived?
idk. i'm just chasing around useless thoughts ... i should DO something. contrary action!!!!!!! i can't get no ... satisfaction. i can't get no ... contrary action ...