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Growing Pains!

Oct 17, 2012 - 0 comments
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growing pains

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Autism

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husbands

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wives

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spouses

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disagreements



Has another husband had a situation with his Wife that made him very very upset and you find yourself experiencing the bizarre feeling of boy to girl animosity during a heavy argument?  I'll give an example of our latest fight that we have worked through.  As some on here may know there was a recent ordeal in the household.  My Wife's best friend, the neighbor's daughter who was eight years old got into a website from Europe and it influenced her badly and encouraged awful behaviors.  So my wife, without my consent made a copy of my internet info and made her own profile on here and began posting advocating internet changes- on a Medical Question and Answer Forum.  She also posted our names and location!  Publicly!!!!  Without my permission!  I will give a few minor details since my Wife can read this so I'm not posting behind her back or anything.  But this will give anyone who saw this unfolding the end result that we are not splitting apart!  I've always described my Wife as abrasive, you really have to stick with her to get to the softer side of her.  She had a very rough childhood and developed strong stubbornness as a result.  But it takes massive stubbornness to steer an Autistic person like myself to do things he does not want to do!  The abrasiveness of my Wife led to me going through college and staying with it to the end!  Without her way of being stubborn and unmovable, at times, she would not be able to force me to do things I do not want to do.  I need that side of her in my life to keep me moving forward.

Our greatest fight ever was over military enlistment.  I knew I needed a set schedule and everything laid out in order to be able to be a functional worker.  The Recruiter insisted that I go to Officer's Candidate School because I have a college degree.  But I didn't back down; because I felt like I could not be an effective leader!  I ended up enlisting as a Recruit.  However, the upside of it is that I learned the whole system from the bottom up!  I don't think I would fully understand enlisted life without going through all the ranks.  But; my Wife was right!  I am now an Enlisted Officer lol.  We could have spared years of struggling financially if I had accepted the position of Commissioned Officer outright!

So in this most recent argument I find myself so upset over my Wife's behaviors that all of a sudden a strange thought pops into my head; "Well your just a dumb girl!"  I was taken back with the ridiculous childishness of the thought!  But then thought, I wonder if any Wives have thought; "Well your just a dumb boy!"  And is this the most ridiculous reasons we cannot bring ourselves to a peaceful agreement when we become so frustrated with each other?  My immediate response was to say to myself; "NO, She's your Wife!"  I began reciting to myself in my head everything that makes her wonderful and precious to me!  And finally in a peaceful tone I was able to say, "Can you explain your side to me?"  Then she broke down on the couch and explained how much this bad influence has affected the neighbor's daughter; and she went into depth of telling me how much she loves the neighbor's daughter as a friend.  She became so angry at the website.  She sent messages to the owner and he flat out insulted her and used bad words with her.  She's done everything she could to try to shutdown the site because of what happened to her friend.  But so far there's just nothing she can do to stop the site or remove it.  But then we got into her own childhood!  And that's when I found out she said; "I'm sick and tired of children being abused in this world!  Why don't all these mean people just tie a huge stone to their neck and jump in the deepest ocean and leave children alone!"  And I realized that she wanted to warn other parents about the bad website.  Then I had to calmly explain to her that you cannot use a medical site for advocating.  I was finally able to explain from other people's side of it, how disruptive it is to their community to have someone shouting and ringing bells, on a topic that's totally off topic from the entire website.  It's like walking into a lecture and suddenly ringing a cow bell- that would be massively distracting!

Overall, I first got on here to find answers to this private problem with the neighbor's daughter.  Then quickly found myself saying, "Hey, I have an answer to that question!"  I saw other questions from my own life experiences and thought I should offer my advice because no one can else can talk about my experiences and what I learned through them and how I was able to find answers to these questions on here through them!  So I made a profile and began answering questions.  My Wife then suddenly made her own profile a similar name as mine and began advocating internet changes causing chaos which made me embarrassed and I ran from the site and didn't touch it for a whole year!  But then she made some progress with the child and wanted to post to everyone, and chaos again!  But suddenly a year later and I watched from my work computer as my Wife stood under the criticisms and the disapprovals of everyone, even of myself!  All of a sudden I began to be inspired to stand under criticisms and disapprovals, as long as it is done proper.  Some people on here are still angry with me because of my Wife.  But I'm back on here and I'm going to stick with it because of what I have seen in her!  She wasn't wrong to want to warn parents, but the problem is she took a stand for something largely overseas and I think this site is largely posted by people in the US.  So no one even understood what she was trying to say.  So she began giving examples and using our names in her posts!

But simply by saying to myself; "She is NOT a dumb girl, She is my Wife!"  And I was shocked to discover such a silly and childish indifference in my adult life!  Had I really not grown past that after all these long years?!  When I was able to step down from my self-righteous podium, because I was right she was not using the website correctly.  I was right.  But; it's not me and you, it's "US"!  That's when I learned to throw away all the right and wrong and say, "WE" need to talk this out!  Instead of going after one site I think she needs to apply herself to learn how to advocate a Child Safety Internet Bill that will block dangerous sites from children.  Also if a website is open to the public with mature materials that a bill could enforce the federal agencies to shut it down, but not only that but also block it from entering US sovereign territory!  That's what we don't yet have!  Also due to the child's troubled and broken home I have agreed with my Wife to run the paper work for adopting this troubled child into my family.  I know my Wife's abrasive ways will be more than able to steer her in the correct direction from now on.

This is an ongoing situation and perhaps I will make updates every so many months to this.  Those of you who don't understand on here, my Wife was not treated well as a child and she becomes very very very upset anytime a child is in danger.  And the influence of internet sites overseas nearly took the life of our nine year old neighbor because she tried to harm herself after her behaviors caused her social isolation.  Her lack of care and attention in her home is what led to us being able to file for custody of her.  So my Wife was quite passionate about warning all of you about that stuff.  However, you just can't do that on a Question and Answer forum.  It's too disruptive to the natural flow of the community.  The bad internet influence remains highly emotionally damaging to any child who stumbles on it.  But, I will help my Wife find an appropriate way of warning people about it.  In the meantime I have rejoined the community on here, had a long discussion with the Medhelp Admin in private emails and my Wife's profile is now gone and everything is resolved in that area now.  That storm has now passed!  But, if I hadn't took that moment to pause and say; "This is about "US", I dread that I could have hurt my Wife emotionally, not realizing that the problem with the neighbor's daughter stemmed back to my Wife's own childhood!

*So please Husbands -and- Wives take that moment when your so angry and so frustrated that you can't even think clearly and say; "This is my Spouse!  This is about "US", "WE" have a problem, "WE" must solve "OUR" problem!"*  I don't know any sane person who starts hitting themselves in the face when something doesn't go their way, so why yell and scream at your Spouse?  It's as ridiculous as punching yourself, you would never do that, so I think that we should *never* yell or scream at our Spouse.  We look at every problem, no matter how frustrating, no matter how much you're right; and we handle the problems as "US" working together to find a solution.  She's more than just a girl, she's my Wife!  Anything that comes along "WE" have to work through it!

That has been my latest and hugest growing pain in my Autistic Life.

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