Kicking it, finally..I choose life.

I decided since i have 9.5 5/500 vicodin left, that I need to quit finally, and forever. I have been a pill addict for a long time, over 5+ years.  I have gone through withdrawls many times, and the longest I have ever stayed clean is 3 months.  I just keep going back. I am married with a wonderful husband, and 4 beautiful boys, I have a wonderful job, and many friends. I know people say to tell your loved ones, so they can help support you, and help you, for many reasons, I can not do that.  I am weining myself off I started yesterday, I could already tell the difference from taking 8 to taking 5.  I can not keep living in this visious cycle!  IT changes me, I turn into someone I don't know, and everytime I am clean, even if its a week, I realize how much better I feel.  Why do I keep doing this to myself??? I am so much better then this addiction.  I am on this website doing this, so I have a support system, and can help keep myself on track.  I need to do this, I was doctor hoping a little over a year ago, and then I sobered up, then I ended up buying them, and just never stopped since.  I can only imagine the amount of money I was spent on them, It makes me sick.  I have hid how bad my addiction is to my husband, he doesn't know about all the extra money I have spent on these stupid pills!  And the people that mean the most to me are paying the ultimate price, my children. I cry just thinking about all the times I have snapped at them, yelled at them, and just have been plane mean to them.  They don't understand, and I think about what they will think of their childhood when they get older, if I keep doing this.  Don't get me wrong, my children want for nothing, money isn't the issue, being a healthy-happy mother, and wife is.  I really want to do this, I have to. I would be lying if I said I haven't said this before.  But this time, I truly want it more then anything I have ever wanted.  I HAVE to do this.  No turning back, no getting just one more, or one more week. This is it. I have to work during my withdrawls, no choice in the matter.  So i have to overcome my own demons, I fear the withdrawls, but I have to take that fear and destroy it, turn it into power and motivation.  I am going to do this. No more excuses. Day 1........

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