I have a mindful of blankness at times, and no motivation or desire to carry out any task, no matter how insignificant. Where I remember myself being an outgoing and over-excited individual, constantly bouncing off thoughts and walls, yet able to stay attuned to conversations, details, and people, I now have none of those former abilities. I feel as though the person I was died in June, and now I'm a poor carbon copy, missing most of the data.
While I can blame some of these fluctuations on the injections of Rebif, I also would lay them at the feet of my pregablin Lyrica, dosing twice a day at 200mg. It has cooled down my senses and given me a haze that I walk through every day. I have no energy, no passion, nothing but a desire to do nothing and see no one, and sleep away the day.
I fear that there may be little hope of reconnecting with that person I used to be, as though I've undergone such significant brain damage I'll never recover. And every day that grows the distance between me and my former self, seems one that only seals my fate. I can readily admit to total dejection and depression, but unfortunately my A-Type personality, still active in some way, brings anger and frustration to the table in search for a solution that can never be: I don't want to take any drugs. I want to be myself.
In talking to my neurologist, he turns a relatively deaf ear, as though world-weary himself. I plan to call my regular doctor on the morrow, and, unfortunately seek counsel on getting therapy, and also, on withdrawing from my current drug regimen, in hopes of returning to that somebody I used to know. Pun, of course, intended.