More rambling...

There are alot of things that I am thinking about lately...maybe it is because I am just so sick of being cooped up inside waiting for nice weather to arrive so that I can venture outside more. I can't blame inclement weather totally...this winter has been full of ups and downs for me health wise that either put me in the hospital or forced me to remain home under quarantine so that I could not contract any of the many germs that are still circulating out there. My immune system is fairly fragile, it seems that I get just about every bug out there even with the most briefest of exposures. I actually got the flu despite getting the flu shot. Thankfully, my case was not severe. I did, however feel like I was run over a few dozen times with large trucks for quite some time afterwards. My joints actually were screaming obscenities at me as well. But, as my health has improved, so has my increased itchiness to not remain in the same surroundings day after day. Understandible I think...

Back to my thoughts....I was thinking about how I have come across people with chronic illness who state that their illness has helped mold them into who they are as well as say that they wouldn't trade or change it for anything. I am going to be honest here...if God himself came up to me and said with one waive of his majestic hand he could rid me of all of my ills, I would jump at the chance without regrets. Yes, my experience with all that has happened to me has affected me profoundly. I have learned to survive..but isn't surviving part of who we are? When faced with a life threatening or altering situation, we learn how to survive it...everyone has their own unique ways of doing this but some way or another it gets us from point A to point B until there is another crisis.

Instead of a failed diaphragm that resulted in the placement of a trach and a ventilator, I could be facing let's say cancer. With cancer comes a whole new set of problems that I would have to face one way of another. Same goes with any other situation that presents itself. I am not saying that all of my experiences with illness haven't affected me, they have. I would be hard pressed to find a person on this planet that wasn't affected by such life altering problems...you would have to be a heartless, souless statue to not have an effect.

I believe that if my illnesses were wiped from my body and time was turned back, say 5 years, before my life took such a sharp turn to where it is now, that I would still be me but with different experiences. Who knows what I would be doing now precisely. 5 years ago, I was working in the ICU as a nurse and working towards a bachelor's degree. Perhaps I would have gone on to get my master's as planned. Perhaps teaching. On a more melancholy note...maybe dead. Seriously, accidents happen as I well know. My brother was taken prematurely from this world at the tender age of 18 after a tragic car accident.

Fantasizing about what if's isn't very realistic though, is it? It is like wishing for the winning numbers of the lottery (well, not exactly...although miniscule, you still have a very, very slim chance of hitting the big one...with life, there is no turning back the clock). I must deal with what is happening to me now using the best coping skills that I have learned over time. I get through each day, hopefully with my dignity intact and with the strength to fight another day. Yes, my illnesses have amplified my attitude, has taught me humility and respect for the body human. I am not sure what life has in store for me next, but I will do my best to embrace and accept it.

Sunny :)