Nov 14, 2012
I wrote this a long time ago on experinceproject.com.. so I want to add it here. This is when I was happy and not crazy at all... It's the story of how I met my ex... the one I am stalking now.
I Love My Friend With Benefits
The Story Of My Dream Guy.
Written on January 24th, 2012
It all started June 11th, 2011 when I was a single girl loving life! I hadn't been single for very long so the attention I was able to except from men was at times overwhelming. I had been in a hurtful relationship for the previous 5 years and had no intentions of entering a new one anytime soon. That was until I met one of the most amazing men on earth.
How we met: It was a warm humid wet night in June. I remember fussing about my hair getting a little curl due to the rain. I was wearing blue jeans, a cute orange and purple tie dye tank top with a white cardigan over it and some blue gladiator type sandals. I was out with a good friend of mine bar hopping having some drinks and lots of laughs. It was getting pretty late and I wasn't too impressed with the crowd until all of the sudden someone tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around and this very tall guy leans in and says to me "hey my friend over here is being harassed by this sloppy drunk chick, you think you could help him out by pretending to know him?"
I was a little hesitant, I didn't even really get a good look at his friend but I didn't want to turn around to look again because if he wasn't attractive I didn't want to hurt his ego (I'm nice like that haha) well I decided what the heck I'll go for it. Whats the worst that could happen (haha if I only knew). I went over to him and we both looked at each other and instantly hugged I said "oh I remember you from...." and he cut me off and said "MY GF!! where have you been?" So I went along with it and eventually that girl walked away and I continued chatting with him. We were totally smitten with each other. I felt an instant connection to him. He was almost 31 years old, 6'1, well groomed, a smile that could light up the entire room and spoke in a way that I just wasn't use to. I could tell he was highly educated and was the true definition of a gentleman.
At the time I was in the process of finding a new apartment in my home town so I had moved back in with my parents which was 2 hours away. The months before I would go out partying and then sleep at a friends house. That night since I met my dream guy my friends ended up taking off earlier and I was still at the bar. Too intoxicated to drive home I agreed to let this guy drive my car back to his place and I would sleep there. I knew in the back of my head that this was the wrong thing to do but I couldn't resist him and plus I was going to have to sleep in my car if I didn't.
We got back to his place and yes, in his bed....he pursued me sexually but I didn't give in to the temptation because I knew I actually liked him. Having sex so soon would put me in "that" category. Not that it matters because I coulnd't resist for too much longer as we finally had sex 3 weeks later. Our first time together was unbelievable. He was so passionate and kissed me so softly. I could tell that he cared about pleasing me and not only himself. It was just something new to me and I didn't know how to take it all in. I fell in love with him almost instantly and it wasn't because of the sex it was because of who he was. Of course being me, I didn't reveal my feelings and never pursued him. I did ask him where he was in life and he told me that he was ready for a relationship.
The first few months with him were amazing. We were seeing each other ever single weekend and soon it turned into 2 times a week then 3 times. For my birthday in September he took me out to dinner and drinks and even bought me a simple but thoughtful gift. (Just a bottle of my favorite vodka and some capers.. inside joke). We were in touch every single day and said goodnight.. he would say the nicest things to me. When we was away for a weekend he would text me saying "I wish you were here" or "I miss you". And I will admit, I'm not the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. I don't know how to deal with emotions and I have a fear of being clingy but I wanted him to know how I felt. Two months in I asked him if it was a bad thing if I was developing more serious feelings for him and he told me that of course he loved spending time with me but he was unsure of how serious or deep his feelings were at the time. He made few comments to me that implied that I should open up a little more. He once texted me saying "well you treat me like a snowman, I gotta make sure your worthy of warming up to". So I started to open up more and show more interest like taking the initiative to text him first or ask him to hang out.
I could tell that he was really into me and I didn't have any doubts. He even introduced me to his sister one night and I had met a good amount of his friends. They all seemed to like me but then again they were all male so I don't know how they think. Also me meeting his friends was by mistake, it happen one night while bar hopping in the same area we just happen to run into each other.
Basically things just seemed to being great. I was nervous and had butterflies every time I saw him. We were so compatible in so many ways and I know he recognized this too! Then about 5 months in, one weekend he told me that he was going away to visit a college buddy. That weekend he didn't text me not even once. We went from texting each other every single day so although a weekend without contact may seem like no big deal to others , to me I was devastated... I didn't know what to do. All these thoughts went through my head. He got in touch with my Monday night and I was very sick so I couldn't see him that whole week. Then the next weekend we got together and everything seemed fine but in the back of my head I was a little upset that we weren't in touch as much. I could feel something was off. Then the following week he didn't get in touch with me for 5 whole days. I was really really upset and worried that maybe my coldness had pushed him away. Maybe I should have spoke up and told him how I felt but I was so stubborn and felt like he should say something since I already did 3 months ago.
When he finally got in touch with my on Friday night I didn't respond. Then he texted me again that same night but he was drunk and I was sleeping. The next morning I texted him back asking him if this was our new friendship.... a friendship that involved a man that only got in touch when he wanted something. He apologized and said "My casual demeanor can be to casual at times and I know I don't put enough effort in" I then asked him what it meant and if he still wanted to see me and he said yes he wanted to enjoy my company.
two weeks later through texting he told me that he was going to be busy for the weekend so I told him that I was mad ... I meant it in a very casual way, obviously its not me to really be mad.. if he has plans he has plans but then he said "you seem to be mad often" and I told him that he seems to be very standoffish with me and that I couldn't read minds and I needed something more serious and mature. He then told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious and that we both knew we were going into this in a casual way. He then said that he loved every minute with me but just couldn't see us long term. I was absolutely heart broken. My heart was shattered, not so much because he didn't want to be with me but more because he belittled what we had together. I NEVER went into this in a casual way. In fact, I asked him in the first few weeks about his feelings regarding relationships and he said he was ready. Then I let him know I was developing feelings and he could have said he wasn't ready. He lied to me and he was good at it!
We wished each other well and I thought I'd never see or hear from him again until the following weekend when he text me asking me how I was and if I enjoyed my thanksgiving. It was a quick exchange of messages and then I ended it. Then the next weekend he text me asking me if he could take me out for drinks. Like a dummy I canceled my plans for that night and said yes to him.
When I first saw him it was like June 11th all over again... I was back in love. We had a drink at my place and then headed out to some local bar. We chatted and caught up but didn't talk about how we left off two weeks ago. Then he brought the topic up and I said I didn't really want to talk about it but he insisted. The problem was that because I was so nervous, upset, excited, scared, sad and a whole lot of other emotions, I ended up having way too many drinks. I only remember parts of that conversation but he told me that I meant a lot to him and that all the previous girls he dated for only 3 weeks tops. He said he didn't want me to think it was casual and that he hated hearing that I was upset. I told him how I felt and I broke down. A tear came out at the bar (good thing the bar was empty haha) and then he said we should leave. We went back to my place where I really broke down... oh I can thank vodka for that one! Anyways after that night we never mentioned it again and I thought once again that I would never see him again. I thought that maybe that night was just a night of closure.
But then the very next weekend he asked to see me and I agreed. Suddenly we were back to where we started. Then he asked me to hang out during the week but with that I said no because I don't want to see him too often. Now fast forward to today and it's been about 8 months. I know that he doesn't ever want to be with me in that way and it hurts. I wish I knew how to stop seeing him but I don't. I keep replaying all the things he said to me over and over and my self esteem has shot down to next to nothing.
We ended up spending New years eve together and shared a midnight kiss. We were together for Christmas eve and woke up together on Christmas. He's hot and cold and I never know what to expect from him. Now here I am desperate to understand why this man acts this way! He's hot and cold and he talks to me when and if he wants. He knows I'll be there because I will. I'm desperate for his touch, smell, kiss, voice and so much more. I'm still so confused as to why he doesn't want to be with me. Was I too cold? Did I not show enough interest? Did I seem to busy or maybe too available? I have a feeling I won't be able to resist him when he wants to hang out. I wish I could but I don't know what to do.
And this is my experience.. my experience with a man who fears commitment. He's has a history of short lived relationships. He has dated numerous women and always found something wrong with them. It seems that I am the first one to last this long... why is that? That's the worst part of it all... why did he keep seeing me for this long but not the other women? Could he change his mind later on and should I keep seeing him... even though I will keep seeing him as long as he wants because I lack the will power to say no.
For now I can only label us as friends with benefits except I love him dearly.
here is an additional comment that I came back and added months later.
I just felt like coming on to follow up with my story. Last night my dream guy said that he wanted to make a commitment to me. I'm so happy I waited for him to wake up. I guess love really does take time! Thanks again for your comment above! good luck to you!
Apr 29, 2012