Nov 15, 2012
Today I was in touch with the counseling services offered through my school. They will locate a free or low cost psychologist for me to see. It's an emergency for me so they have put the search at the top of the list. They should be in contact with their finding in three to five business days. I just can't describe the emotions I feel while waiting. I wonder, will they find someone. Will is be affordable. Will I like the therapist. Will I see a woman or a man.
I have all these messed thoughts and strange fears. I want the psychologist to be a male and not a female. Don't ask me why but I just feel that I will respond better to therapy if I work with a Male. But if I do get a female I will stay as open as possible. I want treatment and I want to be healthy and happy. I'm scared and I can't live in this fear anymore.
Anyway, with all this heavy on my mind I've been doing a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder and I feel that I may be suffering from this. I started to think back on my first relationship. I met a guy when I was 19 years old and stayed with him for 5 years. We lived together for 4.5 years and were engaged for 1. When I first met him I remember that I didn't really like him. At that time in my life I was very depressed and promiscuous. I wasn't interested in him at all but did sleep with him. I did a couple more times and then within a month I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes and then I put my heart into it. I'm not really sure how my feelings did a complete 180 but it did. Or I thought it did. So we were dating for 2 months and one day I saw he got a text that said "I miss you". I asked him who it was and he said it was his ex but that he never responds to her. I left it alone but then then 3 months later he called her on new years and left a voicemail. When she called him back I asked her to let me hear the voicemail bc he said he didn't do it. Well she had the voicemail and I wanted to break up with him. He begged me to stay and that he was sorry and he even changed his phone number and the next night made me this big romantic dinner and gave me a promise ring saying that he wanted to be with me forever. I believed him and I still do but .....
Hearing that voicemail..I think is what set off my borderline personality to sort of start its course.. I started going through his things behind his back. I found old love letters from his ex in his closet. I read them all. I found prom pictures of him and asked him why he kept that stuff. I found her on online accounts just to see her pictures to make sure she didn't have any with my bf. My bf never knew I did those things because I never told him. But it was like I was always looking for evidence because in my mind I felt like he was going to cheat on me with her.
There were many other things that my ex did to me. He made a profile on Ashley madison.com (to find an affair). He cheated on me once with a 50 year old woman (he was 25) and then cried and said that he felt he did it because he lost his mother and he needs to talk to someone. He went out on a dinner date with a woman that was very rude to me. He would pay for live woman on webcams for sex chats. Once I came home early from work and was standing near the apartment door...I overheard him telling a co-worker that was visiting, "For our christmas party we should get a stripper...you pay her 400$ and she gives us all a lapdance and then we take her in the back and we all F**k her"......Another time I saw a new number in his phone book and asked him who that girl was and he said she was a general contractor at work. Meanwhile I knew there were no women on that job , I have been there all the time. I use to go out of my way to bring him lunch almost daily.
So I took her phone number and used a program online to skip the call and get straight to the voicemail. I heard her name on the voicemail and looked her up on facebook. I made a fake facebook as a guy and messaged her. Told her she is pretty, oh you live local. Where do you work?.. etc. I wanted to see if she worked as a GC. Well she was a smart girl and she never said where she worked. I gave up on her but would always think when my bf was walking the dog that maybe she had a dog too and that they were laughing together and walking the dogs together. I use to get very mad at him for walking the dog without me. I started to get mad even if he wanted to play tennis outside our building with his brother in law that lived next door. Where we lived was a very active community. We had a pool, gym, tennis and basketball courts as well as a big dog park. So I would always think that my bf was out there with some woman talking to them and having fun. Anyway, one day when I got home from work I walked up the stairs and turned the corner and guess who I saw standing waiting for the elevator! That same girl that was in my bf phone. The one I looked up.. My god can I tell you how my heart dropped. We made eye contact and I was shocked scared. So it turns out that girl is the pizza delivery girl. And then I put two and two together. The time when my bf had that new number was the time he had his co workers over and they ordered pizza.
So my bf is there talking about strippers and ordering pizza and being a disgusting show off pig asking the delivery girl for her number. Meanwhile I have been with him 4 years and all his co workers know me. As I said, I was at his job almost daily.
But besides all that stuff he did to me....my main concern is not him but ME. I'm scared of how I act. Why wouldn't I just leave that relationship? I mean, every time I caught him do something like that he would cry and beg me to stay and he would buy me jewelry. I would stay but I began stalking his whole life. And I was mad and doubting his love for me. I started acting that way in the beginning of the relationship after just a phone call. So a part of me feels like I may have influenced him. I never gave him much love. I never wanted to have sex with him but when I would it would be on my terms...when where and how. He would tell me he loves me and I would give him the cold shoulder. But if he tried to give me the cold shoulder I would cry for him. If he was away on vacation without me I wanted to kill myself. I would cry my eyes out. I felt like he would leave me and never come back.
When my bf wasn't home I would still go through all his stuff. When he would fall asleep I would tip toe to sneak his phone and go look through it. I didn't allow him to watch porn and if he did it behind my back I would scream and yell at him. I felt like he cheated on me.
There is sooo much more to this..so much more! I mean I spent 5 years with him but this is just a little.. whats coming to mind now. I mean the entire relationship was a wreck. My most recent relationship wasn't like that at all... But it was his commitment issues that set off my craziness that case..... read my stalker entry.
ughhhhh so am I borderline or am I a girl thats been too damaged and can't trust?
oh I want to add one thing I just thought of. When that guy and I finally broke up. It was an unbelievably hard thing. I said the most disgusting things to him. He has said some pretty nasty things to me too though. He told me "no one likes you, not even your mother"...."your white trash"...he spit in my face once and he has thrown things at me.. gave me a black eye once.. ok so I wanted to get that out first.. but anyway I did say some pretty hateful things. Told him to go F his sister.. She and I didn't get along much.. but hey that's for another day. I insulted his religion and told him he never pleased me sexually and that I never ever loved him.. and to some extent that is true.
That night I packed what I could and I left and never ever saw him again. I saw his father to finalize things.. that took a year but I didn't communicate with my ex. He is now married and got a woman preg 3 months after our split. Anyway, I never cried once or hurt over that break up. I felt free and so happy. but I never really processed it because I met my next guy just two weeks after the break up.. read about that in the previous post.
My next post is going to have to touch base on the brutal childhood I faced.. I feel that I have had so many traumatizing experiences....I just hope I can overcome this by sharing my stories... even if no one understands me. I just have to get this all out. I never tell anyone my personal stories.. NO ONE