All Journal Entries Journals

story of my life

Nov 17, 2012 - 14 comments

Some of the things i am about to write are going to be difficult for me toberite let alone think about, but i feel like now.is.the time to let lose of some more things. This is a story of my life, of all things that have gone wrong.
I was born on July 19th, 1996 in Portangeles Washington. I wasnt even supose to happen, and sometimes i feel like i shouldnt be here. At the time my mom became pregnant with me, it wasnt supose to be possible because she was batteling breast cancer and going through chemo treatments. But she did, and the doctors told her to abort me because there were high risks that i would be born with deformations or neurological problems. But she didnt listen to the doctoes, and so here i am today. After i was born, my mom had one of her breast removed. I wasnt really born with anything wrong with me except a couple years or so ago, i discovered i was born without ovaries and a small uterus after my mom became worried that i wasnt hitting puberty like i should. They did exams on me and discovered the absence of ovaries and an undersized uterus was reason being. That wasnt linked to being exposed to chemo though.  

Here is the part that took me a lot of thinking before i finally decided to talk.about it here. Im always afraid i will be judged.
When i was 11 years old, there was a guy that always use to walk past our house carrying groceries and beer. My mom would always offer to help him whenever she noticed him. One evening, it was getting towards sun down and he was walking by with a bunch of stuff and i decided jusy like my mom did, i would offer to help him carry his stuff home. So i did. I only trusted him because my mom did. We got to his house and he invited me in to warm uo before heading back home. He had a really fat pug dog that i sat down to play with. It wasnt to long of me being there, and he decided to stuff to me. Im not comfortable with going into detail, so i will stop at that part.
When i got home that night, i didnt say a word to my parentd about it, i just told my mom i was at a friends down the street because i really did have friend down the street. They didnt find out until i complained of pain and was brough to the hospital.

All throughout my life, i have been bullied not only in school but by one of my older sisters as well, always calling me fat even though i wasnt, and always calling me names. She isnt nearly as bad as she use to be  but she is still a little mean to me a lot.
I dreaded school, not so much now as i use to. I never had much friends, nobody ever gave me chance, or took yhe time to know me. They just picked me out of the crowd and decided to make me a.victim instead. While i was being called fat by my sister all the time, i was getting made fun of for being small in school. It was confusing for me because i didnt know which i was. As time went on, my self esteem faded, and self concience took over. Now, i always worry what people are thinking, or what there going to say about me, because of it I find it difficult to socialise, even with my psycologist. I shut down on everybody and i dont know how not to or even why. They said its social anxiety.

It tore me apary when i was made to move from washington, torn away from the only place i ever felt like i peice of.  We lived into montana once before for a couple of years when we moved away from washington once, but i wasnt old enough to understand. I dont think i was even in school at the time. Then we moved back there and ive lived there pretty much most of life, i didnt care about not having much friends because i always found things to do there. The only thing that bothered me was being teased.  One of my favorite things to do was go down into a gully and play on a rope swing thay had been there ages, even though i wasnt allowed to, because my mom said it was too dangerous down there, and the rope swing went to high. But i couldnt resist it :)Then i was torn away from there, thats where my heart is. I am still angry with my parents for taking me away from there.
I dont belong in Montana, i can feel it. They say home is where you make it, and Montana is not home.


Comments
Post a Comment
2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 18, 2012
Sorry this was such a long entry!

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 18, 2012
I just want to lock myself in my room for the rest of my life and forget i even exist.  I wish i could just fall of the face of the planet. Im worthless to everyone. Sometimes i feel like i was born to the wrong family. I never have anybody to talk to in between my  psycologist appts, i thought it was bad to bottle everything up. my parents are never there for me,  my siblings are never there for me, even though im always there for everybody else at the drop of a hat. I feel like a strsnger to my own family sometimes.

2217782_tn?1394367572
by swabes, Nov 18, 2012
Rose, you are an extraordinary girl, so strong! I am so proud that you trust us here on medhelp to share your story and have been brave enough to open up.
I know right now its hard and you might feel alone or worthless or unwanted but its not true. I can see improvement in you!
I am here for you I promise! I might not get on all the time but when I read this I knew I had to comment.
Never underestimate yourself. You are strong, bright and beautiful and don't think otherwise. If your family are distant and cruel it does not mean there is something wrong with you.
You have to be tough and I know its hard. I still struggle to this day but it just seems kindness and general decency gets you nowhere anymore!
Please please know I am here for you!

Avatar_f_tn
by Ginger077, Nov 18, 2012
Rose I agree with Swabes you've come a long way in the short time I've known you.  I know you say you don't belong in MT and you don't fit in with your family. The beauty with these issues is they can be fixed eventually. You can move back to where you feel home is to you and you can make some good friends who are not cruel. Life changes drastically when your out of school. You have time now to start planning your future. I didn't fit in at school and I didn't have many good friends and my home life was horrible to put it nicely. I was so lucky to find my husband a few months before I turned 17. He's helped me get thru a lot of really bad times.

I have my ovaries but I had a very misshaped uterus. I was born this way and found out when I needed to have surgery at age 17. I was really upset about it because I really wanted to have kids of my own one day. I had a lot of health problems at a really early age. My mom always told me that I was a mistake and she wished she never had me. We were hit all the time and my dad was an alcoholic and drank every single day. He was in and out of jail. I had a lot of behavioral problems and because I was so young I didn't understand why I did the things I did. There were some other things that happened to me at the age of 12 but I'm not even going there. The only person I ever told was my husband years later.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I want you to know that there is hope out there to one day be happy. I know it may not feel like it but you'll have to trust me on this. When your out of high school and are going to college or working things are completely different. Maybe think about what you would like to do for a career when your out of high school and see if you can move back to where you feel your home should be. You will find some great friends that will be your second family. If you have thoughts of wanting children there are ways to have them too
. It may not be the way most people have them but that should not stop you from your goal. This is the situation my husband and I are in now.

There are so many ways you can make your happiness happen. I'm not going to lie its hard work but its worth the fight Rose. Continue to remain strong Rose let nothing get in the way of your happiness. I'm proud of the progress you've made. I think your parents do love you but don't know how to show it and they probably have their own problems. I think you are a very sensitive person Rose, kind of like me. I know that sometimes I read way more into something and think something is al my fault which gives me anexiety. Please know your not alone or the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I hope you can open up to your doctor so that he can help you deal with things and you start to live your new life of happiness.
If you ever need to talk in here for you :) we can talk thru PM if you would feel more comfortable. I'm not here to judge, only to offer my help and life experiences my friend.
Big big cyber hugs
Ginger

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 18, 2012
Swabes- thank you for saying such kind things!! I know your on a bumpy road right now too, and ive kept you in my thoughts hoping you find your way through, and i know you will, because i know your strong to! I know sometimes its hard to be strong when it just seems like the weight is getting heavier, but i have faith in you, and having faith in yourself makes all the difference. You too, are beautiful inside and out, you may not think so but thats because your letting yourself become to discouraged. I get easily discouraged too! Im praying you find your way, i know you will and hopefully someday i will find mine.  HUGS!!

Ginger-. Im really sorry you had a bad past too, sounded pretty rough and im very happy to know that you have been able to leave it behind and you found happiness. I hope someday i can too. I need to.stop shutting down but first i need to figure out how. Im wishing you all the best, and praying for otis!
I sure hope i get this whole "life" thing figured out soon! HUGS!

Avatar_f_tn
by Ginger077, Nov 19, 2012
Rose I don't know could you ask your dr for help with shutting down? Maybe he could tell you how to fix this. I know that you can do anything you put your mind to with work and determination. We are here to support you and cheer you on thru good and bad times. I know you are a strong person Rose and you will find happiness.

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 19, 2012
Thank you :)

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Nov 19, 2012
What an incredible life story and you have shown how much strength you have and how helpful you have been on here.You can continue to be a true inspiration if you want to be.Welldone.

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 19, 2012
Thanks, but i dont think ive been very helpful here.

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 19, 2012
I think i mostly just annoy people

2217782_tn?1394367572
by swabes, Nov 20, 2012
Of course you've been helpful. Your responses to people in need on here have been so mature and sensible but still so compassionate. Most girls your age can't see past their own egos to consider other peoples feelings, never mind helping others. Be proud Rose.

2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 20, 2012
Thank you!:)

Avatar_m_tn
by rajkumar609, Nov 20, 2012
Rose,Swabes-- dont worry you can share all the things here...
Swabes-dont feel you  are alone and you dont have friends.We are your frnd and we proud of you.
Rose-you can share and talk to us.We will litsen to you always ..
Ginger077-You  are great..

Rainlover71 has told the true...You all are  true inspiration.



2996663_tn?1374172676
by witheredrose, Nov 20, 2012
I try to but sometimes nobody answers me

Post a Comment