At my wits end!!!

It's probley a stage . My DD is like that too but she is 16  MY boys are never disrespectful  only my DD I blame it on Hormones but I dont think that is the case for you scence you said your DD is 4 Just keep strong and let her know that you are the boss . That is what I do I take things away Its hard for me though my DD is taller than me so I look up at her for the most part she is a good kid but she has her moments . Hang in there it is not always going to be like that .

I agree, just show your authority, take away toys, set her in time out, if she gets up, sit her back in time out. I find that sending my son to his room when he has a fit is best because he comes out on his own, and is calmed down. I would make sure you're making her say sorry, too, and explain to her what she did wrong. Is your fiance backing you up through all of this? I know if my little man gives me a hard time my husband will take him aside and say you need to listen to mommy (because he takes what daddy says very seriously), if your fiance backs you up she'll see get that it's a little more serious. I hope things ease up for you a little, and some of the stress goes away so you can enjoy this time with your family!!

relax shes four

I don't think it's just a matter of relaxing, if it's something stressing her out, especially with school, and a newborn, anything that gets to the point where she's getting upset it needs to be addressed. If she's 4 and acting this way, she needs to be taught to listen with simple discipline so it doesn't get worse or continue. There's a big difference between 2 and 4.. a 4 year old understands pretty well, well enough to know right and wrong in simple cases, and yes and no, and definitely to listen to your parent.

I agree with ktowne. They understand pretty well at 4. When my son doesn't listen I do one warning then its to time out. And he can't come.out until his fit is done and he decides to start listening. Also my husband backs me up. When my son is in a fit or being disaplined he always asks for daddy ( daddy is VERY leinent with him) so he comes in and tells him to listen to me. It tough with a new born I understand that. But I'm with you hoping he's not worse when he's a teen!

Df does back me up some of the time..he tells her that she needs to listen to me but when it comes to equally disciplining or raising her he goes against me like letting her get what she wants or do what she wants.

Nic, my daughter knows what she is doing..she knows when she is right or wrong, she knows when she is purposely ignoring me and when I have my newborn dd in arms because I am nursing and can't get up or anything she takes the most advantage of it that way. She goes to school so I'm sure she knows what behaving and minding means.

I do feel like she is going to be worse when she is a teen. I feel like there is too much disrespect already and I'm at loss on what to do next or how to gain the control back when df doesn't parent like I do. Maybe when Df goes out of town for work next month we can regain some structure

Everytime she does something like this it's not only frustrating but hurtful...

I suspect it has an awful lot to do with the fact that there is a new baby.  You hear this over and over with toddlers when a new sibling comes along, competing for the attention they are used to getting to all on their own.  

I know it's tough with a newborn, you going to school and your DF working, but try to see if you can make some 1 on 1 time for her.  Be firm with her, but be gentle - this is a tough transition for her.  She is used to having 100% of your and her daddies attention.  Maybe your DF can care for the new little one for an hour or two and you can have some fun time alone with your elder daughter?  And then perhaps your DF can do the same with her.  I bet you will find it goes a long way.  Give her lots of reassurance that she still is your baby and still important.  Newborns are so demanding on our time, I think often slightly older toddlers feel ignored, even when that is not the case.  She can't really understand why another person is taking so much of mommies time.

Best of luck, I have no doubt a toddler and newborn is a tough juggling act.  I have seen from your posts and your journals how much you obviously love your girls - I know this will work out.  Just give her some time to adjust.

I also agree with adgal.. right now my son is 3 1/2 and is disciplined when he gets in trouble because he's doing it right now because he chooses not to listen, not because there's a newborn present, that's why we're so firm with our son, when his little sister comes along in Jan. we'll probably be a little more lax, but not completely. Right now she IS going through a big change with a new sister, and definitely try the one on one time (even if it's just for a half an hour) and talk to her calmly about why she can't disrespect you and has to listen to you, too, because it stresses you out and explain to her that your newborn does need a lot of your time being that she's breastfeeding. I would try to be understanding in her situation, but also firm because she does need to know it's not okay. I would definitely try to get DF on board and negotiate parenting techniques (me and my husband are constantly doing this, haha, we were raised in polar opposite households) so it's easier on you!

ktowne I agree, Im sure her jerky df and I have a jerky husband too, has her half insane. but four is a very young age Ive got a 11 yr old she is her daddys little girl and I dont get respect from either one of them, lovemy kids give that four yr old lots of attention those yrs go by fast they are easy to deal with at 4yrs old, at 11yrs old things change

I seriously fear the future lol

I like your idea sitting her in time out, and etc. Also find some time to have one on one time with her. She might feel she isn't getting the attention she wants for her age. My nephew was the same way, he would do bad things coz he knew he would get attention from it. So my huni and I started giving him one on one time with him. It has proved the way he acted, and behave.  Hope it all works out!

I think you would help yourself if you would take the part about how you project her to be when she is a teenager out of the current plate of concerns.  If you are in school and dealing with a newborn and mad at her dad half the time anyway, don't add to it some mythical future her, 7 years from now when you yourself will be done with school and her sibling will no longer be a baby.  It might be that it isn't going to be nearly as bad as it is right now.  Try to deal with one plate of problems at a time, don't eat the future plate of problems too.

I really agree that if you were to have some one-on-one time with the four-year old every single day, things would calm down.  She is acting out because that is what (finally) gets your attention when by her own experiment and results, she can see nothing else is working.  Please take it seriously that a 4-year-old is not a "big girl" who you can set off to the side with praise at her maturity.  They see right through that, and add it to feeling supplanted by a younger, cuter rival, it does not improve their attitude.

Do tell her that you can give her some time with just her and you, but also that you can't always give her all your time.  Regarding time outs and other punishments, only after she is fully indoctrinated into the concept of the baby's needs having to be met but herself getting some good stuff too, and has totally understood it as a fair warning, should you resort to punishments.  

My mom always said it should be the Fearsome Fours, not the Terrible Two's, lol. My brother was the same way and drove my mother to tears many times because he was such a difficult toddler, but he's 20 now and just fine :) She said whenever she felt like she was loosing it or wanted to "beat the child" she would call her mom or sister to vent, get words of encouragement, and just cool off.

I think it's especially funny when I tell my 4 year old that she needs to behave…she will tell me after she had done something she knows she isn't supposed to do "mom, I want to behave"…I told her to behave then because I can't do it for her lol