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annoyed!

Nov 20, 2012 - 0 comments

I am so upset right now because one of my journals got deleted for having "unlawful content"....yes in the mist of stalking my ex I did break the law on numerous occasions but this is my recovery.. my story. Anyway, I understand certain things can not be shared but damn I didn't even get a chance to keep the entry for myself. It was just deleted.. And I need to keep my memories somewhere because I fail to remember them when I need to. I hate to rewrite this all..ill do my best without telling how I broke the law.

Basically, I was involved with a narcissistic A hole. He pushed me around and used me for over a year and I allowed it for some dumb reason which I don't think I'll ever understand.

When I first met him..yes I felt like I was in la la land. I had just become single. I took my time with everything. I never asked him to be exclusive but after three months of dating I told him I was getting feelings... to be honest.. I'm not sure I had feelings for him or if I just didn't want him to be with anyone else. I do remember times sitting home with him bored outta y mind. All he liked to do was watch sports...and espn. It was annoying. He never did anything with me and was pretty much drunk the whole time I saw him. All we did was go to dinner. I would suggest to him that we do something else but he would always have plans.. He played golf all the time or he had a family thing to do. During the week we were both obviously busy with work so there was that excuse.

Then about 5 months into dating he randomly said "I dont see long term with you" so then I said okay..whatever. I mean I was upset but  bc we weren't exclusive I still had other men available at my disposal.. I know that sounds harsh but its true.

two weeks later he comes back into my life and wants to see me again. An attachment was built....thats normal after spending so much time with someone else. I started to get frustrated bc he wouldn't commit to me so I started going through his things when he wasn't home. I looked through every single thing in his apartment. I found old cards from his first and only gf. I looked through his computer.. basically I can't get into any more detail here bc thats the unlawful shi*. He and I never used condoms and I knew where he kept his stash. So everytime I was over there I would check to see if any were missing... one day I saw two were gone. and looked through his stuff more...I found out he been casually seeing some girl that lived 4 hours away. He only saw her three times but was in contact often. So I made a fake FB and emailed her saying some other crap I can't post here. She saw him one more time and then that was it.

Although I continued to look through his things that was the only crazy thing I did until...... he asked me to be exclusive. I was sooo happy. I thought omg finally I can be with the guy I love. I thought he was the most beautiful creature I had ever layed eyes on. I felt like he must really love me because he was 32 and only had one other gf before me. It takes a lot for him to make a commitment. So I loved him bc I felt that he loved me... Then I started to get scared...

A few days after being exclusive he told me about the facebook email to the girl he had seen. He told me he knew it was his ex (haha how naive...it was really me).. He told me that his ex went crazy after he broke up with her and she went as far to write a blog and claimed she was turning it into a book about commitment phobes or something. And that she said a lot of nasty hateful things.

Welll.....immediately I began to wonder what he had done so bad to her.. I had to know. I had to find out. And since I already knew her name and her facebook...bc I found that out from the old cards he had in his draw. I made a fake account and asked her about the blog. She told me everything and defended herself. She told me how cold he was and how he cheated on her etc.

Right away I felt that he would eventually leave me. I was scared. I loved him so much (or thought i did) and I was just scared. I used the info he shared with me to my advantage and felt that I could stalk him and the girl that lived 4 hours away to get more info without him knowing it was me. It worked. I am a master manipulator.

I guess I can't get into much more detail now but basically what I feared the most I got. All the stuff I found out behind his back I couldn't come forward and say hey I know this and this and that and why the hell did you lie to me... So eventually he got tired of me and felt that he always needed to prove his feelings for me. Meanwhile I felt like he did because after knowing each other for  15 months he still did not tell me he loves me.

After 3.5 months of being exclusive he broke up with me and told me that very day that he loved me. I dont know if I am making excuses or not but bc he told me he loved me it really got to me. I havent heard a person say they love me in years... maybe not since I was 10 .  it was like a crazy person took over my body and ...just went crazy. even more crazy that I had already been.

I stalked stalking him but acting like it was girls from his past. He believed it all and still does. I really wish I could share some of the things I did but I cant.. it will just get deleted. I guess I can say this... I said nasty things to him... very disgusting things...In those moments I really hated him.  I still do kinda hate him .. bc I felt like I didn't deserve that. He knew I was vulnerable and he took advantage of me.  

So far we have been broken up for about 3 months and he is still very much alive in my thoughts... in a very unhealthy way. I find ways to get in touch with him. I texted with him last week. Earlier this month I was feeling really down and expressed it to him and he called the cops to have me taken to the hospital. I was forced and didn't want to go but in a way happy bc I really did want to end my life.

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