Nov 28, 2012
I still find it hard to believe I'm pregnant. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. It's all so surreal and I find myself thinking a lot about how I really don't feel connected to being pregnant. I don't know why and it's been from the start too. At first I thought it was because of our anxious nerve-wracking IVF journey that I just didn't want to jinx myself. Now that I've seen sonograms and heard the heartbeat, I thought that might change things. But it really hasn't. My mom and DH say they love the baby. Honestly (which I feel horrible about) I don't feel love... I do feel protective, responsible, and nutritionally conscious. I rub my belly and sometimes talk to it and smile when I see our sonogram pic on the fridge but overall I don't walk around going "wow...I'm pregnant". In fact, most of the time it's "I can't believe I'm pregnant and nothing has changed". Meaning my life, my marriage, and DH's involvement. He said he thinks about the baby all the time and gets all excited and can't wait. But then he sits on the other side of the sofa involved with his iPhone. I have to physically put his hand on my belly and tell him I like it when he does that. No matter how often I say my back hurts (which it has been, thanks to sleeping on my side), I have to ask for a back rub and he'll do it so rough that I just have him stop anyway. I'm still waking up every morning to walk the dog, I do the cooking, cleaning, doing all the laundry, and the food shopping. He says he doesn't want me to food shop on my own but when it's time to go, he's disappeared...for HOURS. I have to ask, several times, for him to bring up the huge bag of laundry. He watches me fold the laundry and says I look cute and sits down and watches TV. Monday I asked him to pick up dog food. He picked up 3 bottles of soda, a bag of doritos, and some Christmas candy. No dog food. I had to get it yesterday. It's so frustrating and I'm wondering if this is playing a part into my blah mood. I'm not expecting to be on a pedestal but I just thought I'd feel more maternal, more special.
Aside from my mood, I still feel the same as usual. Exhausted. I finally bought a pregnancy pillow through Amazon and can't wait for it to come, hoping my back and hips stop aching and I can get some sleep. I've had two interesting dreams recently and found them amusing. The first, about a week ago -- we had an older boy, about 8, and twin newborn girls. I remember that in the dream I was nursing the babies and said something to the boy about "feeding his sister". The second, a few nights ago, was totally my sub conscious telling me to relax and give myself credit to all the above mentioned guilt over my lack of feelings. I was having an ultrasound with my RE who told me the baby was healthy and growing well. I made her reassure me that she saw nothing that meant that I couldn't carry the baby to term or that the baby wouldn't be normal. She assured me. I then admitted to all of the swirling thoughts in my head (those I mention above) and she told me that it was perfectly fine. That my body was going through a lot and that I've changed more than I realize and that more changes will come and feelings will grow as I do. My brain can be quite the smarty sometimes :) Anytime I've been feeling down this week, I try to think of my dream.
This week my skin has also become itchy. I use vitamin E lotion on my breasts and tummy twice a day, but this week my nipples and lower abdomen (like around the love handle area) are itchy.
I can also say that this week I've probably had my first real sense of food cravings. I have mentioned how prior to my first beta all I wanted was red meat and that last week all I wanted was spicy food. Well this week it was a bit more specific. I had to have tomatoes. Raw. The thought of it made me salivate and fortunately I had some grape tomatoes in the house, so I cut them up with some cucumbers added some salt and olive oil and went to town. Then I just wanted my chicken leftovers, no sides, just the chicken. But to be balanced I had the chicken with leftover sweet potatoes. Last night I also wanted something else specific, at like 8pm and thought it was weird. I didn't have it in the house so I ignored the craving. When I woke up this morning, I can't remember what I wanted so desperately last night. I guess as long as I keep craving healthy things I'll indulge myself!