Dec 03, 2012
Some of you may remember my posts from a while back when I was tapering off of methadone; I am happy to say that I succesfully made it off of the methadone a few months back but unfortunately my addiction is far from over.
since then I have had only 30 days of sobriety and have had a few relapses that usually last no longer than 4 days at a time. I am not in danger of a serious withdrawal yet but I just spent the weekend taking a lot of 80 MG Oxycontins and tried to detox sunday and today but ended up picking up 2 more 80's today.
I am losing hope the longer this addiction has a hold on my soul, I have been batting for over 5 years and have lost mroe than I care to admit due to my selfishness. I have had a few times where I was doing so good, I would be clean for over a month and start working out and training for MMA again and start to really feel like myself again, only to be pushed back down with a relapse.
I have noticed a pattern with my relapses and it always revolves around women, I have a tendency to fall in love hard for a woman once I have made that decision I am very compassionate and loving and probably trust them too much. It usually ends with me getting my heart broken and falling into a depression which usually results in me relapsing again and thus the cycle continues.
I have not been to any meetings in a while and I know that would help but I do not want to go to a meeting while I am high on Oxy, it wouldnt seem right and everyone would know that I am high.
another problem is that I have nobody to talk to, this addiction is like a secret affair, always consuming my mind and all my thoughts and energy are surrounded by secrecy and lies. I have become such an adept liar that sometimes I think I could almost believe my own lies just to make myself feel better, but deep down inside I am truly ashamed at the things I have done, I should not be living my life this way.
I used to have dreams, hopes and aspirations; I used to want to do something with my life and had confidence in myself. Now life is just a never ending road of tribulation and pain, I may find happiness in short breathes but soon the wind is knocked out of me and I end up laying flat on my back unable to get up for a while so I lock myself in my bedroom and sleep the days away in a deep depression.......This is not how I wanted to live my life, this is not the father that my daughter deserves, I am better than this.
I just wanted to write this post to share with someone, anyone, what I am going through. It might feel nice knowing that other people out there know what I am going through and maybe other people out there have gone through similar things.
There is too much love left in my heart to give up yet, but the days are dark and nights cold, I need something to hope for; a beacon to guide me out of this darkness and show the way to where my salvation lay.
Thanks for listening to my pathetic ramblings,