How do I just not give up and throw in the towel

I am sick of living like this. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I want to be able to have somewhat of a normal life again whatever that means. I hate it and I am angry, sad, and scared. I feel like I am getting nowhere, like a mouse on a wheel spinning and spinning and never going anywhere. My apartment has become my cage. I feel like I am worth less than our pets. I know my husband is sick and tired of having to deal with my illness. I feel so bad and I really wish sometimes that I could just disappear. He tries to be good about it, but things are so bad financially and he has not been even able to work because of my health and I just don't want to do this anymore. I never finished grad school. I never got to help the people I wanted to help. Now I don't even trust people as much as I want to. I am having trouble getting the help I need, and my ex doc was a real jerk. I told him I couldn't get a vaccine for tetanus, and he said it would be ok. I got really sick from that. When I had a URI coming on, he refused to treat me even though he knew my immune system was weak. Within three days I had pneumonia and was in the ER. On my follow up appointment, he refused to treat me even though I still was sick, yelled at me for going to the ER, yelled at me because I didn't just come to him (even though it was his fault he did not do anything in the first place), and even had the nerve to say because of patients like me going to the ER for non emergencies everyone would lose their insurance. Maybe I would be better off giving up on traditional medicine all together. But I believe there are good doctors out there. Why am I having such a hard time? Why do I have to live like this? I believe in God and have faith and I know suffering is part of life. But how can I contribute to society when I cannot even do menial things. I am fed up. I am sick and tired of this. I am so angry and just want to crawl in a hole. I cannot do this much longer. Enough said...