Dec 06, 2012
Yesterday a local boy of my age hung himself. S knew him. Since my night in the hospital it has hit a nerve with me. I was so upset, so angry. People on Facebook were posting all night. 'Great guy' 'you never know what goes on in someone's head' etc etc. It made me so incredibly angry to see it. Where were these people who claimed to be his good friend? Where were they in his final weeks? When I heard the news I looked at his profile, it took a lot of looking since we didn't know eachother. It broke my heart. His posts were far from cryptic, one even saying 'I want to leave this place'. Where were these so called friends then? It's so sad and so maddening. All TOO LITTLE TOO LATE - No amount of Facebook posts will help, he can't see your R.I.Ps and it will never bring him back. People always says these things on reflection, never on time when it matters. They never find out 'what goes on in someone's head' because they never bother their backsides to take the time with a person and find out the pain their in. I hate this crap, because in a month they still won't be any more aware about mental illness, still as quick to judge and still won't be sensitive to others internal battles.
On Saturday night that could've been me if a nurse hadnt of busted into the bathroom and stopped me. It's hit a nerve, sparked something in me. A little fight for survival maybe. I know I would hate it and S would hate it if I lost my fight and the next day old friends were posting 'lost such a good friend' because I have been so alone, so alone that I find more compassion here than amongst so called friends and family. And I was so upset to think how alone that boy must have felt, how helpless.
I just hate this disease, this depression. What it can do to us, alter our minds until we can't fight anymore. Sometimes I think its worse than cancer. It's harder to diagnose, harder to get treated properly. It's harder for people to understand, so much so that your own family can begin to resent you, call you selfish and manipulative. It eats you from the inside out to the point where sometimes the pain doesn't feel worth carrying on for. But very few understand. Support, help and understanding. I think they are 3 huge things.
I don't know why this has affected me so badly. Made me so angry. But I want to thank everyone on here for their support and say sorry that I don't always get back to you or give as much support back.