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i hate this disease.

Dec 06, 2012 - 9 comments

Yesterday a local boy of my age hung himself. S knew him. Since my night in the hospital it has hit a nerve with me. I was so upset, so angry. People on Facebook were posting all night. 'Great guy' 'you never know what goes on in someone's head' etc etc. It made me so incredibly angry to see it. Where were these people who claimed to be  his good friend? Where were they in his final weeks? When I heard the news I looked at his profile, it took a lot of looking since we didn't know eachother. It broke my heart. His posts were far from cryptic, one even saying 'I want to leave this place'. Where were these so called friends then? It's so sad and so maddening. All TOO LITTLE TOO LATE - No amount of Facebook posts will help, he can't see your R.I.Ps and it will never bring him back. People always says these things on reflection, never on time when it matters. They never find out 'what goes on in someone's head' because they never bother their backsides to take the time with a person and find out the pain their in. I hate this crap, because in a month they still won't be any more aware about mental illness, still as quick to judge and still won't be sensitive to others internal battles.
On Saturday night that could've been me if a nurse hadnt of busted into the bathroom and stopped me. It's hit a nerve, sparked something in me. A little fight for survival maybe. I know I would hate it and S would hate it if I lost my fight and the next day old friends were posting 'lost such a good friend' because I have been so alone, so alone that I find more compassion here than amongst so called friends and family. And I was so upset to think how alone that boy must have felt, how helpless.

I just hate this disease, this depression. What it can do to us, alter our minds until we can't fight anymore. Sometimes I think its worse than cancer. It's harder to diagnose, harder to get treated properly. It's harder for people to understand, so much so that your own family can begin to resent you, call you selfish and manipulative. It eats you from the inside out to the point where sometimes the pain doesn't feel worth carrying on for. But very few understand. Support, help and understanding. I think they are 3 huge things.
I don't know why this has affected me so badly. Made me so angry. But I want to thank everyone on here for their support and say sorry that I don't always get back to you or give as much support back.

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by eternity1234, Dec 06, 2012
Hello Swabe

I liked what you wrote very much and have understood it too;

I really hope you do not mind my asking this but have you been making positive affirmations in your mind;
Positive affirmations work wonders and lift us from our worst of times;

i fight depression all the time;Then I make affirmations like 'I love myself,I will come out of any pain and  visualize myself healing from the problem';It works wonders;I initially was reluctant and very negative and looked out for other people to talk too.Now thigs are a little different;I hold on to myself with more strength and more kindness;

I really do not know howmuch you are suffering ;And even though I am a total stranger still-You are in my prayer now.
Do post and let me know how are you doing.Take care.

by Ginger077, Dec 06, 2012
I agree with you and it's something that has always made my husband and I angry to hear the supposed concern for someone after they are gone. Exactly where were these so called caring individuals??? It ***** that people ignore obvious signs on mental pain others maybe dealing with. I don't understand why it's so hard to be sympathetic to someone. We recently had a friend take his life but we were not aware of the fact he wasn't coping well with things in his life. We felt awful to know he was really hurting this bad and felt horrible that there was nothing we could do to prevent it. I often wonder now if my family knew more and didnt communicate it. They are the worst at communicating so I think I will always wonder since they didnt tell us of his death until days after his funeral.
I am sorry to hear of S friends death but glad to hear you have regained your will to fight. You are worth every ounce of effort you put forth no matter how difficult the process may be and feel. You can't worry about what others think you have to keep on moving forward for you and you alone. I know you have it in you to get thru all this and find happiness. I never doubt you my dear. I'm glad you can come here and get some support. It doesn't really matter where you are getting it just as long as you do get it. I understand your sadness because the people around you are not supportive but I must be honest and say they are a big part of your unhappiness. I have faith you will win the fight and find your few good friends will be by your side thruout good and bad times and obviously we will be here too!

by RainLover71, Dec 06, 2012
So sorry swabes that you are suffering and depression is hell on earth--I hate it but I will never let it win.

by nursegirl6572, Dec 06, 2012
As always, swabes, your words are wise.  All of these senseless suicides, it's so tragic.  If ONE positive thing could possibly come out of this boy's passing, it's that maybe there are others, like you....thinking the same things.  Maybe it's renewing the fight in a couple people.

Depression IS awful, you're right.  It's a hard thing to battle, and usually, we're in the fight for the long haul, with a lot of ups and downs.  You just keep fighting YOUR fight sweetie.  I'm so glad the nurse saved are such an amazing person, and I don't even "know" you in person.  I can only imagine how successful you could be...and what wonderful things you could add to this world.  Keep fighting....we're all here for you, cheering you on.

Lots of love....xoxo

by RainLover71, Dec 06, 2012
You know that so many people here at medhelp care for you and we will always be there for you.

by AHP84, Dec 06, 2012
Hi there--I just came across this post and wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. On a different but comparable level, I can relate exactly to what you've said.
This year has been really tough for me and really the first time I've struggled with depression and anxiety due to PTSD, which was brought on from losing my mom to colon cancer. It is hard some days to not be angry with life and that I have to live with the after-effects of a traumatic loss. And you're right--most of my friends and even family...they have no idea what it's like, what I'm going through, what I have yet to overcome. It's like they are interested on surface level only to feel they make their obligatory "how are you doing?" and then, they lose interest, like I should have gotten over it all by now, have it all under my life should be back to the way it used to be before I lost my mom.
It was the same for her, in a way, when she was fighting her cancer battle. To this day, I feel like it was just me and two other people who genuinely cared enough to support, help, and understand her challenges, physically and emotionally, through cancer. Unfortunately for my mom (and this is part of what struggles with anger I face to this day), she was NOT diagnosed on time even though she spent nearly TWO years getting pawned off from one "specialist" to another, each of them telling her that her concern of having cancer AGAIN (she'd had it 7 years before) was misplaced. All those doctors saw was that she had breathing and upper GI problems, not lower abdominal problems "related" to colon cancer. So for nearly two years, colon cancer cells grew into a life-threatening tumor in her lung. She was treated for every symptom of breathing and upper GI problems, but never given a CT or PET scan that she requested--begged for--over and over and over again, saying she felt as physically ill as when she'd had cancer before. And now she's gone--because of that cancer. It suffocated her agonizingly and slowly for three weeks until I watched the moment she took her last breath.
Then in the days before she passed away (3/23/12) and the weeks after, it's like all her "friends" and our family suddenly...cared? Wished there was something more they could have done? Spent more time with her while she was still healthy enough to live quality life?
But then, in the time I could use all that support they wish they could have offered HER, I'm brushed off just like she was, and not only am I left with the loss of the one parent I have had there for me my whole life and who was my best friend, I am left with settling her estate AND being the trustee of my teenage half sister's trust, which has been pure hell. I've had to battle people that have literally hired lawyers and taken legal actions against me to go to the extent of trying to get my mother's will re-written or re-defined, get money out of the estate, and get money from my sister's trust. I feel like I've truly been attacked from every angle--and I've never EVER felt so alone.
I guess I'm not really here to offer any advice, but to just say I understand. I've come to learn two things in the last 8½ months--death, life-threatening illness (mental or physical), and money change people, but ONLY when one or the other or all directly affect their daily lives. If a person or even a group of people haven't yet experienced what it's like to lose someone they love and feel they can't live without, or have never sacrificed their livelihoods to step up and care for the suffering of a loved one, or have never had to deal with money management on a significant scale or earn what they get--they just have no clue how to understand, how to relate...because they have no experience to compare from their own lives.
It's SO hard to not get angry with that kind of behavior, not want to write those people off and do to them as they do to you and to others you know going through similar experiences. Believe me, I know. But then I try to see it from the other perspective. Undoubtedly, every one of us will reach a breaking point, a point where we feel lost, alone, forgotten, misunderstood, deprived...just completely broken, wondering how to even find the strength to make it through the next few minutes, much less the next day. It's just that some of us get there before others, and that's not in anyone's control. But the difference we can make is to do whatever we can--fight for our lives, in a sense--to make it, overcome and stand on our feet again, somehow, someway. Because...we're the only ones who can reach out with genuine understanding and compassion, empathy and advice, when others reach their point of brokenness.

by orphanedhawk, Dec 06, 2012
This is all so sad. I don't have much experience with depression other than med induced which thankfully, I knew would be over once I was off the meds.

I've been fortunate to travel to other countries and I wonder if perhaps there might be some other ways to treat depression.
Not that the current ones aren't good for some people. But other ways may work better for others.

In Thailand, they did a tried teaching kids meditation instead of giving  them ridalin. Granted this was for ADD kids. It worked wonderfully because the kids learned how to calm themselves, how to get centered and become mindful.

I think an integrated approach to these problems might work better than our current system of doling out meds which can make things better or worse.

Just my own little POV.

Sometimes we have to hit bottom to be able to look up. Perhaps you are now in that position, of looking up.
And once you look up, the sky is the limit~~~and it is unlimited.
Good luck.

by BloodMary, Dec 06, 2012
Yes, depression is worse than cancer. It kill the will to fight. That's why support is so important.

It makes me angry too, when people are concerned about others after their suicidal death. Of course, sometimes people with depression pretend to be OK. But sometimes people talk directly about their problems and nobody listens to them. Nobody wants to hear it.

I'm glad that you are still fighting. I hope you win with depression soon. Good luck, Swabe.

by AHP84, Dec 06, 2012
I realize it's a heartfelt opinion, but please please please do not compare the severity of one critical, chronic, and/or terminal illness, mental or physical, over another.
My mother died from cancer after battling it for 10 long years of her life, and the end was the most awful thing I've ever seen a person endure, and I was enduring it with her. I have since had dealt with PTSD, depression and intense anxiety. I know how depression feels, and how alone you can feel without the understanding, help and support you need from people each day just to make it to the next. But I would never say what I'm going through or anyone else, mental or physical, is better or worse than other forms of pain and suffering.
If you've never lost a loved one that you thought you could never live without to a terminal illness or even a sudden and unexpected tragic death, I genuinely hope that will be something you never experience. Depression and anxiety are awful enough--such added experiences make them worse tenfold or more.

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