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Dec 08, 2012 - 62 comments
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EmilyPost's medhelp user journal saved me from Tramadol addiction, twice.
I am 1 year clean from Tramadol, today.
More importantly, I am 4 days clean of dextromethorphan aka DXM aka Robitussin aka a self-imposed prison.
Like Emily has done for thousands lost in the fight against Tramadol, I would like to provide a space for those who are losing their lives to DXM. There's still time to fight, and we need to support one another.
This is NOT A SPACE to debate the 'merits' of DXM use. Everyone is entitled to their 'psychonautic' opinion, but this is solely a place for those that disagree and want their lives, brains, bodies, and control returned to them. Any comments supporting use of DXM will be removed. Those who have fallen prey to this addiction are no longer eligible for your 'harm reduction' suggestions, at least not under my watch.
Everyone else: Welcome. We have a lot of work to do.
A little bit about me: I am almost 30, I'm getting my PhD from a fantastic university, I'm a gal, I am single, I have a wonderful family, and I know way too much psychopharmacology and neuroscience. Lastly, I requested to enter outpatient treatment for DXM abuse about a month and a half ago. It's an amazing program, and I want to share what I'm learning with those that desire it.
I started DXM in September when I had a terrible upper respiratory infection and took Robitussin, thinking nothing of it. Because I am on fluoxetine (Prozac) for fibromyalgia management, I began TRIPPING BALLS.
I had heard of robotripping in college, but I considered it an old wives' tale.
WRONG.
I thought tripping was fantastic, and enjoyed the rest of my Robitussin until my infection had cleared up. I would wake up in the mornings still tripping, and would have a blast exercising and going to school and work. I finished the bottle and moved on with life.
But I couldn't.
Every few days, I would buy another bottle, drink half, trip, do it again the next night, then swear I would never do it, again.
Except, I would always find an excuse. And when you THINK you're having a blast going to school and work still tripping, you are actually taking a sledgehammer to your life, creating cracks in the foundation and chipping away, until you realize that it has crumbled and there's very little left. Negative interactions with colleagues, friends, guys, and my family all became excuses to use. I would chug a bottle in less than 3 minutes.
After using DXM for 5 nights straight, I trudged my way to my pdoc appointment and told what I had been doing. She further explained DXM's interaction with fluoxetine, made sure I understood that I was repeatedly inducing mild serotonin syndrome, and accepted my pleas to attend outpatient rehab. Finally. After being addicted to one thing or the other for, almost, all of my 20s.
I'm in a wonderful program that doesn't throw you out if you screw up. If you screw up, you have to work EXTRA hard to figure out WHY, that time, and how it could've been prevented. Yes, at first I was made fun of by the alcoholics, heroin addicts, cocaine addicts, crystal meth addicts, prescription pill addicts. At first, there was embarrassment and shame. Quickly, they realized I was in as deep as them.
Except I wasn't.
They realized I was in even deeper.
I should have 38 days sober. But I have about 77% of that. I've relapsed ~4 times, always only for a day or two, but that's way more than anyone in my group.
Do you know why?
Of course you do. That's why you're here. Not the specifics, maybe (like my discovering Robitussin gel caps), but you know. You know that it's a cheap *** drug that you can find in ANY grocery store or pharmacy on so, so many streets and corners. There are no dealers. There are no online pharmacies (there are, but those are easier to avoid). There are commercials...during children's shows! DURING EPISODES OF A&E INTERVENTION (my favorite show, when I couldn't get real help). You don't even deal with any stigma from buying alcohol. YOU VERY WELL COULD HAVE A COUGH, WHO REALLY KNOWS, AND ALMOST NO ONE CARES.
I care. You care. All of the teenagers who shared their stories on medhelp of their permanent brain damage - they care. They are adults, now. On psychiatric meds that they maybe wouldn't have needed. Feeling less smart, less funny, less able to use their sight and language as they once could. They definitely care, and we owe it to them to a) save ourselves, b) get better, so c) we can fight to spread support and awareness to help others out and, one day, raise enough awareness to do something about this.
Because, as you know, something is VERY, VERY WRONG, here. There ARE long-term effects. There IS permanent damage from HEAVY, CHRONIC abuse. There HAVE been suicides. Just because DXM isn't used to make meth doesn't mean it SHOULDN'T be behind the counter, away from those with histories of addiction and from CHILDREN who heard they could trip 'like on acid'. FOR FIVE DOLLARS. It shouldn't be advertised during prime time, PARTICULARLY DURING SHOWS ABOUT ENDING ADDICTION.
Talk about a world of triggers!
So, if you need a listening eye, if you have questions, if you feel you can't handle this anymore, or if you feel like joining this fight, leave it in the comments. I will be documenting my crawl out of this hole, in the hopes that, one day, someone stumbles upon it and does the same.
I am 1 year clean from Tramadol, today.
More importantly, I am 4 days clean of dextromethorphan aka DXM aka Robitussin aka a self-imposed prison.
Like Emily has done for thousands lost in the fight against Tramadol, I would like to provide a space for those who are losing their lives to DXM. There's still time to fight, and we need to support one another.
This is NOT A SPACE to debate the 'merits' of DXM use. Everyone is entitled to their 'psychonautic' opinion, but this is solely a place for those that disagree and want their lives, brains, bodies, and control returned to them. Any comments supporting use of DXM will be removed. Those who have fallen prey to this addiction are no longer eligible for your 'harm reduction' suggestions, at least not under my watch.
Everyone else: Welcome. We have a lot of work to do.
A little bit about me: I am almost 30, I'm getting my PhD from a fantastic university, I'm a gal, I am single, I have a wonderful family, and I know way too much psychopharmacology and neuroscience. Lastly, I requested to enter outpatient treatment for DXM abuse about a month and a half ago. It's an amazing program, and I want to share what I'm learning with those that desire it.
I started DXM in September when I had a terrible upper respiratory infection and took Robitussin, thinking nothing of it. Because I am on fluoxetine (Prozac) for fibromyalgia management, I began TRIPPING BALLS.
I had heard of robotripping in college, but I considered it an old wives' tale.
WRONG.
I thought tripping was fantastic, and enjoyed the rest of my Robitussin until my infection had cleared up. I would wake up in the mornings still tripping, and would have a blast exercising and going to school and work. I finished the bottle and moved on with life.
But I couldn't.
Every few days, I would buy another bottle, drink half, trip, do it again the next night, then swear I would never do it, again.
Except, I would always find an excuse. And when you THINK you're having a blast going to school and work still tripping, you are actually taking a sledgehammer to your life, creating cracks in the foundation and chipping away, until you realize that it has crumbled and there's very little left. Negative interactions with colleagues, friends, guys, and my family all became excuses to use. I would chug a bottle in less than 3 minutes.
After using DXM for 5 nights straight, I trudged my way to my pdoc appointment and told what I had been doing. She further explained DXM's interaction with fluoxetine, made sure I understood that I was repeatedly inducing mild serotonin syndrome, and accepted my pleas to attend outpatient rehab. Finally. After being addicted to one thing or the other for, almost, all of my 20s.
I'm in a wonderful program that doesn't throw you out if you screw up. If you screw up, you have to work EXTRA hard to figure out WHY, that time, and how it could've been prevented. Yes, at first I was made fun of by the alcoholics, heroin addicts, cocaine addicts, crystal meth addicts, prescription pill addicts. At first, there was embarrassment and shame. Quickly, they realized I was in as deep as them.
Except I wasn't.
They realized I was in even deeper.
I should have 38 days sober. But I have about 77% of that. I've relapsed ~4 times, always only for a day or two, but that's way more than anyone in my group.
Do you know why?
Of course you do. That's why you're here. Not the specifics, maybe (like my discovering Robitussin gel caps), but you know. You know that it's a cheap *** drug that you can find in ANY grocery store or pharmacy on so, so many streets and corners. There are no dealers. There are no online pharmacies (there are, but those are easier to avoid). There are commercials...during children's shows! DURING EPISODES OF A&E INTERVENTION (my favorite show, when I couldn't get real help). You don't even deal with any stigma from buying alcohol. YOU VERY WELL COULD HAVE A COUGH, WHO REALLY KNOWS, AND ALMOST NO ONE CARES.
I care. You care. All of the teenagers who shared their stories on medhelp of their permanent brain damage - they care. They are adults, now. On psychiatric meds that they maybe wouldn't have needed. Feeling less smart, less funny, less able to use their sight and language as they once could. They definitely care, and we owe it to them to a) save ourselves, b) get better, so c) we can fight to spread support and awareness to help others out and, one day, raise enough awareness to do something about this.
Because, as you know, something is VERY, VERY WRONG, here. There ARE long-term effects. There IS permanent damage from HEAVY, CHRONIC abuse. There HAVE been suicides. Just because DXM isn't used to make meth doesn't mean it SHOULDN'T be behind the counter, away from those with histories of addiction and from CHILDREN who heard they could trip 'like on acid'. FOR FIVE DOLLARS. It shouldn't be advertised during prime time, PARTICULARLY DURING SHOWS ABOUT ENDING ADDICTION.
Talk about a world of triggers!
So, if you need a listening eye, if you have questions, if you feel you can't handle this anymore, or if you feel like joining this fight, leave it in the comments. I will be documenting my crawl out of this hole, in the hopes that, one day, someone stumbles upon it and does the same.
(last tracker is for MMJ, which I used for 10 months, starting in January)
HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO MEEEEEEEEE!
Next.
Next.
Thanks for writing about your experience. I'm 39 and have been addicted to one thing or another most of my adult life. I've been heavily using DXM for about 10 months. It truly feels like being trapped in an emotional prison. I want out. I actually just talked to my old sponsor, who introduced me to AA years ago. She's picking me up tomm. To go to a meeting. But I do feel there are very few people that understand DXM addiction and the strange hold it can get on you. Right now, I've taken a small dose (for me) to help with withdrawal. So, today I've had 12 robo gel caps(15 mg each) but my muscles still feel like bricks and I feel like I'm suffocating. I usually take a whole bottle of gel caps(20) and then 2-3 Mucinex 60 MSG extended release daily. So my body has quite a tolerance right now. I'd love to hear how your doing and what your withdrawal symptoms were/are. I also take 40mg Prozac daily.
Hello, Bahama! I am so sorry you are in this, too, but I am so glad that we have found each other. We are going to get out of this and STAY out of it.
I am SO happy you already have a sponsor and that she is taking you to a meeting. Part of my issue, in the past, is that I'm agnostic/borderline atheist and I couldn't succed with the NA format, because of it. There is a cognitive-behavioral, non 12-step option called Smart Recovery to which I was recommended by my program. I hope you're near a city and look into it. :)
We are not allowed to get discontinuation advice on medhelp, but instead may share what has worked for us and others. With the hellish drug that is Tramadol (which essentially Vicodin and crystal meth, rolled into one), those who tapered down had the same long, painful physical withdrawal as those of us that quit cold turkey. Having survived that, I can tell you that my experiences stopping DXM were WALKS IN THE PARK. From all of the reading and research I've done, it seems the longer you continue ingesting DXM (regardless of the dose, as with tapering), the more long-term damage you are doing to your eyesight, hearing, short-term memory, balance, and sense of self. The fact that you've only used for 10 months is great - so much less potential damage than years of DXM abuse.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME has been the support of my psychiatrist and psychologist, the work and learning I'm doing in the outpatient program, and beginning Wellbutrin after 'drying out' for 2 days from DXM. Prior to the Wellbutrin, as I mentioned, I relapsed several times since starting treatment. I had gone cold turkey, would succeed anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks, but then I would experience one trigger or another and use. THE GOOD NEWS IS, every time I stopped, dried out, and went back for more, it made my trips WORSE and WORSE. Once you get a taste of the world you once lived in, you hate yourself even more each time you use. This makes for very, very, VERY bad feelings when high. The last time I used (5 nights ago), I became suicidal and was literally forcing myself all of the reasons to try to get sober one. more. time. The next day, I requested Wellbutrin. I waited until 2 days ago to start taking it and LET ME SAY that the cravings were 100% gone by last night. I'm aware that Prozac + Wellbutrin + DXM = guaranteed seizure, possible coma, and probable permanent damage. This has helped me not turn back, as well.
Identifying my triggers, and then avoiding them, has been one of the most important acts on my road to recovery. I have low self-esteem, so any form of rejection makes me want to disappear. Boredom FOR SURE makes me want to use (I haven't had a single bored sensation since starting the Wellbutrin). This means that I can't be dating right now, can't have friendships that are tumultuous (including some family members), and have to schedule my days at least 48 hours ahead of time.
Did you know that it's impossible to stick to schedules if you are addict? I did not. Even if I've scheduled tasks and events, I learned that I have to have a plan b and plan c, JUST IN CASE plan a ends early/doesn't work out. This has helped, immensely.
I also have been totally honest about my abuse with my mother, my father, and my closest friend/neighbor. This has helped me to 1) have people to contact when I've been triggered and 2) be accountable. Accountability is HUUUUUUGE with this drug BECAUSE it is so easy to get and because it can be an embarrassing drug to admit to abusing. The latter MUST be gotten over. This is a SERIOUSLY addictive substance with ENORMOUS and long-term consequences, so you need to do whatever and tell whomever you thing can help you succeed in taking your life back.
It's only been 5 days for me, but the changes to my vision are still very disconcerting. One of the Tramadol warriors with a lot of background in psychopharmacology suggested that, for ex DXM abusers, FISH OIL, FISH OIL, FISH OIL will help to repair some of the damage done to our brains. I am taking fish oil and a separate omega-3 blend and keeping my fingers crossed.
The number one obstacle to getting off and staying off of this satanic substance is NOT BEING DEFEATED BY THE DEPRESSION AND PSYCHOLOGICAL WEIRDNESS that occurs upon discontinuation. Even though I didn't use constantly, or even consistently, I never recovered enough to feel like I had my brain and identity back for the last 3 months. We have been disconnected from ourselves, others, time, and space. The depersonalization you get from DXM is a whole lot more disturbing when it sticks around when sober. In my opinion, the inability to manage and cope with the depersonalization is what drives DXM users to go back again, again, and again. It's weird, it's scary, and I don't know how I would've done it alone.
BUT IT FADES. Little by little, so that the process is almost undetectable. But it fades gradually and you'll start to randomly notice a difference in how you felt days or weeks before. It helps to have others reinforce this by reminding you of your improvements.
I am finishing day 5, and it was a good day. I went to an Italian book club and was ashamed by how slow my brain was to produce the Italian language. I eventually chose just to listen, was grateful that I still had the cognitive capacity to do that, and reminded myself that my brain is still recovering. I am happy knowing that I will sleep normally, tonight, and that I won't be ***** the **** up when I wake.
Again, I am so thankful for finding you! If you ever feel like it would be easier to talk on the phone or Skype, send me a PM and I'll give you my info.
Good luck tomorrow, and be well!
<3 <3 <3
I am SO happy you already have a sponsor and that she is taking you to a meeting. Part of my issue, in the past, is that I'm agnostic/borderline atheist and I couldn't succed with the NA format, because of it. There is a cognitive-behavioral, non 12-step option called Smart Recovery to which I was recommended by my program. I hope you're near a city and look into it. :)
We are not allowed to get discontinuation advice on medhelp, but instead may share what has worked for us and others. With the hellish drug that is Tramadol (which essentially Vicodin and crystal meth, rolled into one), those who tapered down had the same long, painful physical withdrawal as those of us that quit cold turkey. Having survived that, I can tell you that my experiences stopping DXM were WALKS IN THE PARK. From all of the reading and research I've done, it seems the longer you continue ingesting DXM (regardless of the dose, as with tapering), the more long-term damage you are doing to your eyesight, hearing, short-term memory, balance, and sense of self. The fact that you've only used for 10 months is great - so much less potential damage than years of DXM abuse.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME has been the support of my psychiatrist and psychologist, the work and learning I'm doing in the outpatient program, and beginning Wellbutrin after 'drying out' for 2 days from DXM. Prior to the Wellbutrin, as I mentioned, I relapsed several times since starting treatment. I had gone cold turkey, would succeed anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks, but then I would experience one trigger or another and use. THE GOOD NEWS IS, every time I stopped, dried out, and went back for more, it made my trips WORSE and WORSE. Once you get a taste of the world you once lived in, you hate yourself even more each time you use. This makes for very, very, VERY bad feelings when high. The last time I used (5 nights ago), I became suicidal and was literally forcing myself all of the reasons to try to get sober one. more. time. The next day, I requested Wellbutrin. I waited until 2 days ago to start taking it and LET ME SAY that the cravings were 100% gone by last night. I'm aware that Prozac + Wellbutrin + DXM = guaranteed seizure, possible coma, and probable permanent damage. This has helped me not turn back, as well.
Identifying my triggers, and then avoiding them, has been one of the most important acts on my road to recovery. I have low self-esteem, so any form of rejection makes me want to disappear. Boredom FOR SURE makes me want to use (I haven't had a single bored sensation since starting the Wellbutrin). This means that I can't be dating right now, can't have friendships that are tumultuous (including some family members), and have to schedule my days at least 48 hours ahead of time.
Did you know that it's impossible to stick to schedules if you are addict? I did not. Even if I've scheduled tasks and events, I learned that I have to have a plan b and plan c, JUST IN CASE plan a ends early/doesn't work out. This has helped, immensely.
I also have been totally honest about my abuse with my mother, my father, and my closest friend/neighbor. This has helped me to 1) have people to contact when I've been triggered and 2) be accountable. Accountability is HUUUUUUGE with this drug BECAUSE it is so easy to get and because it can be an embarrassing drug to admit to abusing. The latter MUST be gotten over. This is a SERIOUSLY addictive substance with ENORMOUS and long-term consequences, so you need to do whatever and tell whomever you thing can help you succeed in taking your life back.
It's only been 5 days for me, but the changes to my vision are still very disconcerting. One of the Tramadol warriors with a lot of background in psychopharmacology suggested that, for ex DXM abusers, FISH OIL, FISH OIL, FISH OIL will help to repair some of the damage done to our brains. I am taking fish oil and a separate omega-3 blend and keeping my fingers crossed.
The number one obstacle to getting off and staying off of this satanic substance is NOT BEING DEFEATED BY THE DEPRESSION AND PSYCHOLOGICAL WEIRDNESS that occurs upon discontinuation. Even though I didn't use constantly, or even consistently, I never recovered enough to feel like I had my brain and identity back for the last 3 months. We have been disconnected from ourselves, others, time, and space. The depersonalization you get from DXM is a whole lot more disturbing when it sticks around when sober. In my opinion, the inability to manage and cope with the depersonalization is what drives DXM users to go back again, again, and again. It's weird, it's scary, and I don't know how I would've done it alone.
BUT IT FADES. Little by little, so that the process is almost undetectable. But it fades gradually and you'll start to randomly notice a difference in how you felt days or weeks before. It helps to have others reinforce this by reminding you of your improvements.
I am finishing day 5, and it was a good day. I went to an Italian book club and was ashamed by how slow my brain was to produce the Italian language. I eventually chose just to listen, was grateful that I still had the cognitive capacity to do that, and reminded myself that my brain is still recovering. I am happy knowing that I will sleep normally, tonight, and that I won't be ***** the **** up when I wake.
Again, I am so thankful for finding you! If you ever feel like it would be easier to talk on the phone or Skype, send me a PM and I'll give you my info.
Good luck tomorrow, and be well!
<3 <3 <3
Aw! I wanted to just drop by and say that you have my support friend. It's good to see you and read these thoughts, words, plans. You will help so many people!
Massive hugs.
Really interesting info ...
Massive hugs.
Really interesting info ...
Thank you, Emily! You already know that you are my (et al.) hero. Massive hugs right back. I was *so* out of it for so long that I never even THOUGHT to come to medhelp, let alone turn my anger at DXM outward. Rallying feels SO good, just as in Tramadol recovery (which, btw, HOW IS IT STILL NOT ILLEGAL?!), and I will get this drug put BEHIND the counter if it's the last thing I do.
I am another day out of DXM-delirium, making it 5 whole days. I woke up this morning freaking out, took my Wellbutrin, and things started to turn around. I knew Wellbutrin helps people to quit smoking (which is one of the reasons I wanted to start it), but when I found out that it is a DOPAMINE and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, I began to wonder if it would in the inexplicable COMPULSION to keep returning to DXM. I'm only one person, but it has been an ENORMOUS help in beginning my journey in rebuilding self-efficacy. Also, the DXM depression is what crushes us during cessation, so it helps not to feel sad and, instead, forward-focused. It was the introduction of Wellbutrin to my system that finally allowed my brain to focus enough to REMEMBER medhelp, to focus on reading entry after entry without feeling triggered, and to get SO ACTIVATED AND ANGRY to rally and start my own war cry.
The bottom line is: I am attending a TOP addiction-research R1 university and, therefore, see the top psychologists, psychiatrists, and other medical professional. This means that my cognitive-behavioral outpatient program is the best of its kind. Yet, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW TO TREAT THIS UNIQUE ADDICTION. We are ON OUR OWN, for now.
And for those of you considering AA or NA or Smart Recovery and fear the ridicule by other addicts for 'only being addicted to cough medicine', you have three choices:
1) simply say you are addicted to 'dissociatives'. It is true, and it's no one's darn business whether it's ketamine, PCP, DXM, or whatever. Those details are for your friends, loved ones, and one-on-one mental and primary care health health providers.
2) tell the truth, let them laugh and whisper behind your back, but KEEP GOING BACK, continue telling the deep, deep darkness of this addiction. This is how progress in awareness is made. Temporary, personal frustration leads to long-lasting changes for future generations.
3) fall deeper into this abyss, do further damage to your liver, kidneys, vision, hearing, motor control, self-worse, self-efficacy, sense of self, and MOST LIKELY your friends, family, and others who need you...even if the DXM delusions want you to think that they do not. This is your last choice, the one where you do not seek free and available help and support IN PERSON. One of the hallmarks of DXM addiction is our reclusion from the physical world. Receiving electronic support is A GREAT FIRST STEP, but to fight the fight against depersonalization, derealization, and desensitization the come from DXM abuse, we have GOT to find support in the outside, physical world. I'm not convinced that recovery, otherwise, is likely, if possible.
All of this said, my mother is contacting a family friend who is a prominent personal injury attorney. My rallying has enraged her, too (she has been through too much with me :| ), and she suggested I have a strong case. I stumbled upon the effects of this drug after 9 months of recovery from Tramadol, WHEN I HAD A CHEST INFECTION, not knowing 1) there was addictive potential in a drug advertised since childhood and DURING A&E INTERVENTION and 2) had medically proven SERIOUS interaction effects with my mood stabilizer (Prozac) NOT MENTIONED ON THE LABEL. I was so happy to be living an addiction free-life, with the option of MMJ when my fibro was unbearable. I NEVER WOULD HAVE INGESTED IT HAD I KNOWN EITHER OF THESE THINGS.
But the fact is, DXM is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE money maker, and the manufacturers (and A&E) are well aware of its potential for abuse and subsequent LONG-TERM BRAIN DAMAGE. Because it is not used to make a drug that wrecks too much havoc on society (i.e., meth), it continues to stay on the shelf in MOST cities and towns and roll in the cash.
At the cost of children, teenagers, men, and women.
It is not fair, and it is not okay.
As I said, getting this drug put BEHIND the counter in ALL stores in this country (US) will happen, if it's the last thing I do.
I am so mad. SO MAD.
/rant over
I am another day out of DXM-delirium, making it 5 whole days. I woke up this morning freaking out, took my Wellbutrin, and things started to turn around. I knew Wellbutrin helps people to quit smoking (which is one of the reasons I wanted to start it), but when I found out that it is a DOPAMINE and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, I began to wonder if it would in the inexplicable COMPULSION to keep returning to DXM. I'm only one person, but it has been an ENORMOUS help in beginning my journey in rebuilding self-efficacy. Also, the DXM depression is what crushes us during cessation, so it helps not to feel sad and, instead, forward-focused. It was the introduction of Wellbutrin to my system that finally allowed my brain to focus enough to REMEMBER medhelp, to focus on reading entry after entry without feeling triggered, and to get SO ACTIVATED AND ANGRY to rally and start my own war cry.
The bottom line is: I am attending a TOP addiction-research R1 university and, therefore, see the top psychologists, psychiatrists, and other medical professional. This means that my cognitive-behavioral outpatient program is the best of its kind. Yet, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW TO TREAT THIS UNIQUE ADDICTION. We are ON OUR OWN, for now.
And for those of you considering AA or NA or Smart Recovery and fear the ridicule by other addicts for 'only being addicted to cough medicine', you have three choices:
1) simply say you are addicted to 'dissociatives'. It is true, and it's no one's darn business whether it's ketamine, PCP, DXM, or whatever. Those details are for your friends, loved ones, and one-on-one mental and primary care health health providers.
2) tell the truth, let them laugh and whisper behind your back, but KEEP GOING BACK, continue telling the deep, deep darkness of this addiction. This is how progress in awareness is made. Temporary, personal frustration leads to long-lasting changes for future generations.
3) fall deeper into this abyss, do further damage to your liver, kidneys, vision, hearing, motor control, self-worse, self-efficacy, sense of self, and MOST LIKELY your friends, family, and others who need you...even if the DXM delusions want you to think that they do not. This is your last choice, the one where you do not seek free and available help and support IN PERSON. One of the hallmarks of DXM addiction is our reclusion from the physical world. Receiving electronic support is A GREAT FIRST STEP, but to fight the fight against depersonalization, derealization, and desensitization the come from DXM abuse, we have GOT to find support in the outside, physical world. I'm not convinced that recovery, otherwise, is likely, if possible.
All of this said, my mother is contacting a family friend who is a prominent personal injury attorney. My rallying has enraged her, too (she has been through too much with me :| ), and she suggested I have a strong case. I stumbled upon the effects of this drug after 9 months of recovery from Tramadol, WHEN I HAD A CHEST INFECTION, not knowing 1) there was addictive potential in a drug advertised since childhood and DURING A&E INTERVENTION and 2) had medically proven SERIOUS interaction effects with my mood stabilizer (Prozac) NOT MENTIONED ON THE LABEL. I was so happy to be living an addiction free-life, with the option of MMJ when my fibro was unbearable. I NEVER WOULD HAVE INGESTED IT HAD I KNOWN EITHER OF THESE THINGS.
But the fact is, DXM is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE money maker, and the manufacturers (and A&E) are well aware of its potential for abuse and subsequent LONG-TERM BRAIN DAMAGE. Because it is not used to make a drug that wrecks too much havoc on society (i.e., meth), it continues to stay on the shelf in MOST cities and towns and roll in the cash.
At the cost of children, teenagers, men, and women.
It is not fair, and it is not okay.
As I said, getting this drug put BEHIND the counter in ALL stores in this country (US) will happen, if it's the last thing I do.
I am so mad. SO MAD.
/rant over
In trying to figure out my vision issues (sad fact, it's probably the Wellbutrin Prozac combo), I found this personal experience:
" I went to school and told the kids (I teach high school) and they were like hee hee b/c little did I know that taking lots of cough medicine is a recreational drug for some of them. Ay, the things you learn as a high school teacher! The effect was much more pronounced and was more like a slo-mo video instead of shadows/enhanced brightness but both were odd vision changes."
:|
" I went to school and told the kids (I teach high school) and they were like hee hee b/c little did I know that taking lots of cough medicine is a recreational drug for some of them. Ay, the things you learn as a high school teacher! The effect was much more pronounced and was more like a slo-mo video instead of shadows/enhanced brightness but both were odd vision changes."
:|
And this (UUUUUUUUUUUUGHGH):
"Incidentally, dextromethorphan is metabolized specifically by the liver enzyme that Wellbutrin shuts down. It becomes very easy to overshoot the dosage and very hard to get your head cleared again, no matter how much your cough was bothering you.
The same version of the P450 enzyme (isoenzyme 2D6) is also needed to metabolize Wellbutrin and Prozac, and both inhibit it. So either one can raise the blood levels of the other (and Wellbutrin is functionally synergistic with stimulants.) A doctor can still use the two meds and compensate by starting at lower dosages and increasing slowly while the liver produces enough of the right enzymes to deal with the meds ... but it sounds like you restarted at the full dose instead. The resulting "trippy" effects could have come from excess serotonin and activation of the serotonin receptors that many hallucinogens bind to. Or, they could have been a sign that the Wellbutrin was lowering your seizure threshold too much.
"Incidentally, dextromethorphan is metabolized specifically by the liver enzyme that Wellbutrin shuts down. It becomes very easy to overshoot the dosage and very hard to get your head cleared again, no matter how much your cough was bothering you.
The same version of the P450 enzyme (isoenzyme 2D6) is also needed to metabolize Wellbutrin and Prozac, and both inhibit it. So either one can raise the blood levels of the other (and Wellbutrin is functionally synergistic with stimulants.) A doctor can still use the two meds and compensate by starting at lower dosages and increasing slowly while the liver produces enough of the right enzymes to deal with the meds ... but it sounds like you restarted at the full dose instead. The resulting "trippy" effects could have come from excess serotonin and activation of the serotonin receptors that many hallucinogens bind to. Or, they could have been a sign that the Wellbutrin was lowering your seizure threshold too much.
BY THE WAY, I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease.
That said, it sounds like I'll have to stop the Wellbutrin. Which is terrifying. I am scared of a relapse when the cravings come back. :'(
That said, it sounds like I'll have to stop the Wellbutrin. Which is terrifying. I am scared of a relapse when the cravings come back. :'(
I have been addicted to dxm the better part of the last 6 yrs, i usually take the coricidin cough and cold well, the off brand that they sell at the dollar store because its only $2 and has the same amount of dex. which is a big reason i cant get off the sh*t because its so cheap and easy to get. i take anywhere from 20-40 pills a day 30mg each pill and at the end of every night i swear i wont get anymore the next day but i always do. i dont know why theres always some excuse. today ihave a bad toothache so i took 20 for the first dose now i cant feel my toothache. i do want to join the rest of the world and have normal conversations but i dont know where to start....or how to stick to it...
Welcome, Life!
To begin, does anyone know of your addiction who is NOT addicted, themselves? Seeking someone for both support and to whom you can be accountable is HUUUUGE. This is vital, in your case, because the other ingredient in Coricidin (and off brand) interacts with DXM at high doses to cause cardiac arrest, in addition to brain damage. You need someone to help you.
Do you have insurance? Parents who can help? If you don't, I would get yourself to an emergency, ASAP. Under the Affordable Care Act, your treatment will be covered, one way orthe other. If you don't have anyone to help you get there, please try. You need medical attention, even if the DXM makes you think you don't, and you need it, now. Be honest about how much, often, and long you have been taking this.
The question becomes...do you want to continue like this, for the short time your heart will allow it? Or would you rather get help, get stable, return to life and, possibly, owe some money (like everyone else)?
You need to start by telling someone and getting immediately to a hospital. If you could've stopped taking it without help from others, you would've done it years ago. But you can't, because this is SERIOUSLY MESSED UP **** that took over your mind a long time ago, **** that has made SURE that you would never get out on your own.
So, of those options, what will you do?
To begin, does anyone know of your addiction who is NOT addicted, themselves? Seeking someone for both support and to whom you can be accountable is HUUUUGE. This is vital, in your case, because the other ingredient in Coricidin (and off brand) interacts with DXM at high doses to cause cardiac arrest, in addition to brain damage. You need someone to help you.
Do you have insurance? Parents who can help? If you don't, I would get yourself to an emergency, ASAP. Under the Affordable Care Act, your treatment will be covered, one way orthe other. If you don't have anyone to help you get there, please try. You need medical attention, even if the DXM makes you think you don't, and you need it, now. Be honest about how much, often, and long you have been taking this.
The question becomes...do you want to continue like this, for the short time your heart will allow it? Or would you rather get help, get stable, return to life and, possibly, owe some money (like everyone else)?
You need to start by telling someone and getting immediately to a hospital. If you could've stopped taking it without help from others, you would've done it years ago. But you can't, because this is SERIOUSLY MESSED UP **** that took over your mind a long time ago, **** that has made SURE that you would never get out on your own.
So, of those options, what will you do?
Hey DamTram,
I have heard of smart recovery. But I live in a little tiny town.,all we have is AA and NA. Mostly AA, there is only 1 NA meeting a week. Right now I'm waiting for my sponsor to pick me up and go to a meeting. I',m having major anxiety at the moment. That is one of my triggers. But I think the DXM is giving me heart palpitations. Yes. I took some today. trying to ween myself off but cold turkey may be they way to go.
I also have low self esteem, which I think is my main trigger. Thats so great you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I would really like to be able to go that route but my insurance doesn't cover it. You mentioned your eyesight being effected. I didn't know DMX can damage your eyesight and hearing. Also, how did you know that you have fatty liver disease? Do you think it was caused by drug abuse?
Its nice to see 4LIFE come here. I know she wants out of DXM hell as well.
I have heard of smart recovery. But I live in a little tiny town.,all we have is AA and NA. Mostly AA, there is only 1 NA meeting a week. Right now I'm waiting for my sponsor to pick me up and go to a meeting. I',m having major anxiety at the moment. That is one of my triggers. But I think the DXM is giving me heart palpitations. Yes. I took some today. trying to ween myself off but cold turkey may be they way to go.
I also have low self esteem, which I think is my main trigger. Thats so great you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I would really like to be able to go that route but my insurance doesn't cover it. You mentioned your eyesight being effected. I didn't know DMX can damage your eyesight and hearing. Also, how did you know that you have fatty liver disease? Do you think it was caused by drug abuse?
Its nice to see 4LIFE come here. I know she wants out of DXM hell as well.
I hope the meeting goes well, Bahama! You may be feeling badly, but your spirit sounds great.
Your insurance may not cover it, but if you end up in the ER and you are referred, they aren't going to have a choice. Like I told 4Life, going into debt (which I am almost certain will no longer happen) to save your life has GOT to be the better choice (for you AND your children) than continuing to live this way...for the time that your heart will still allow it.
I am $2k in debt from when I did NOT have insurance and needed to be seeing a psychiatrist. They have payment plans and sliding scales, so you pay what you can afford, when you can afford it.
If I found myself in deep DXM addiction without insurance, I would go 100k in debt. If I had children, I would know that my survival as their mother would be the best thing I could provide for them.
That's great that you are identifying your triggers! The next step is to have plans in place to avoid them. What activates your low self-esteem?
I have NOT been doing well, today. I thought I was going to faint or have a seizure at the grocery store. Driving was terrifying. No more Wellbutrin for me.
I found out I had a fatty liver before I became addicted to Tramadol. I found out because I ended up in the hospital with severe flank pain. I also have painful bladder syndrome, so DXM really ruined me further, on both accounts.
You can do this. We can do this. One. Day. At. A. Time. As they say at my program, "Be smart, not strong."
Your insurance may not cover it, but if you end up in the ER and you are referred, they aren't going to have a choice. Like I told 4Life, going into debt (which I am almost certain will no longer happen) to save your life has GOT to be the better choice (for you AND your children) than continuing to live this way...for the time that your heart will still allow it.
I am $2k in debt from when I did NOT have insurance and needed to be seeing a psychiatrist. They have payment plans and sliding scales, so you pay what you can afford, when you can afford it.
If I found myself in deep DXM addiction without insurance, I would go 100k in debt. If I had children, I would know that my survival as their mother would be the best thing I could provide for them.
That's great that you are identifying your triggers! The next step is to have plans in place to avoid them. What activates your low self-esteem?
I have NOT been doing well, today. I thought I was going to faint or have a seizure at the grocery store. Driving was terrifying. No more Wellbutrin for me.
I found out I had a fatty liver before I became addicted to Tramadol. I found out because I ended up in the hospital with severe flank pain. I also have painful bladder syndrome, so DXM really ruined me further, on both accounts.
You can do this. We can do this. One. Day. At. A. Time. As they say at my program, "Be smart, not strong."
Given that ketamine is the closest drug to DXM, replace the word to this information on how to get sober from a dissociative:
"Detoxification may necessary in extreme cases of ketamine addiction. Detox programs are in-patient and address the body’s physical dependence on the drug. However, many ketamine users need additional therapy in order to treat the reasons that they’d begun using the drug in the first place.
Treatment will vary from one patient to the next, especially if other psychological or emotional conditions are present, but rates of recurring ketamine use are much lower for addicts who use a treatment centre, therapist, or doctor as opposed to addicts who attempt to stop using the drug “cold turkey.”
On-going treatment will help to prevent a ketamine addict from seeking access to the drug, so all ketamine addiction treatment centres should have long-term options for their patients. You should look for a centre that is approved by an organization such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Narcotics Anonymous and similar organizations will also provide information for friends, family members, and other loved ones who need help in convincing a ketamine addict, who has for years used the drug as a means of escape, to seek treatment.
Ketamine addiction treatment can be extremely effective, and as the drug is potentially lethal, treating the addiction by contacting a drug abuse centre is imperative. Ketamine addiction requires the right combination of detoxification and therapy, and a trained medical professional can help you or loved one to start on the road to recovery."
We have been escaping for months or years. Cold Turkey without professional help is lower than with. We need help, we cannot do it on our own.
"Detoxification may necessary in extreme cases of ketamine addiction. Detox programs are in-patient and address the body’s physical dependence on the drug. However, many ketamine users need additional therapy in order to treat the reasons that they’d begun using the drug in the first place.
Treatment will vary from one patient to the next, especially if other psychological or emotional conditions are present, but rates of recurring ketamine use are much lower for addicts who use a treatment centre, therapist, or doctor as opposed to addicts who attempt to stop using the drug “cold turkey.”
On-going treatment will help to prevent a ketamine addict from seeking access to the drug, so all ketamine addiction treatment centres should have long-term options for their patients. You should look for a centre that is approved by an organization such as Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Narcotics Anonymous and similar organizations will also provide information for friends, family members, and other loved ones who need help in convincing a ketamine addict, who has for years used the drug as a means of escape, to seek treatment.
Ketamine addiction treatment can be extremely effective, and as the drug is potentially lethal, treating the addiction by contacting a drug abuse centre is imperative. Ketamine addiction requires the right combination of detoxification and therapy, and a trained medical professional can help you or loved one to start on the road to recovery."
We have been escaping for months or years. Cold Turkey without professional help is lower than with. We need help, we cannot do it on our own.
I have insurance and have seen the dr explaining what ihad been taking and that id like to stop. idont think he tookit too seriously but prescribed me lisinopril for my high bp which isnt helping because of the cough and cold and also cymbalta 60mgs im not sure if thats working because i never stop the pills long enough to see. im pretty sure it doesnt workas ive been on prozac, lexapro, wellabutrin, and i think a cpl others i cant think of right now. anyway, ive never had any luck with them. im sure i need some sort of counseling and i actually had the opprotunity to get it because at the moment im dealing with cps because i smoked marijuana while pregnant. they made me do a substance abuse eval and speak with mental health but there was no way i was going into too much detail with cps involved. so after this blows over i will try to seek some counseling. Also once im able to smoke marijuana again without fear of being tested i think it will make quitting the cough and cold easier. not that i should be smoking but id much rather do that than these pills. it has always helped with my depression and anxiety. i have only 1 box left that i will take today and i am seriously going to not buy more. i hope. my bf is addicted also which i just finally got him to admit to, before he always said he only took them because i did, but now he realizes and wants to quit to. i know you mentioned cold turkey is not the way to go but ive managed to quit each time i was pregnant so im going to give it a shot...also my i did tell my mom about it buti dont think she really took it seriously either...if she did she should know im back on them i dont see how she cant notice the difference i guess ive just gotten really good at acting normal on it except for my conversation skills and the spacing out, and the sweating sometimes....anyway, i could go on and on but i hope that being a part of this group will help make it easier, thanks for being here!
oh yea i wanted to mention that i had heart palipitations also and was put on a heart moniter and had some tests done and luckily everything seemed fine. it use to be id get them several times throughout the day i notice they arent as frequent anymore maybe once a day or so. im not sure why. also my eyesight has gotten much worse over the past few yrs. i normally wear contacts or glasses so i get regular checkups every yr andmy optometrist said its really gone downhill. im also starting to have major problems with my teeth not sure if thats related.
4life!
What a difference a day makes!!! I'm SO HAPPY to hear that your BF was able to admit his addiction (this will be INVALUABLE), that your mom knows some of your history (honestly, send or print her my story, she WILL take you seriously, now...sometimes parents have to see how it has affected other folks), that you DO have insurance, that you recognize that you're self-medicating true and real psychological issues that can be addressed, and that you are posting with us!! You have made my day, and I have only just woken up.
Here's the thing about antidepressants that I DID NOT KNOW until a month ago. Smoking marijuana or dosing with DXM actually PREVENTS them from doing their job. I did not believe this until I STOPPED a year's use of marijuana (I had also been on Prozac most of that year), and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. DXM is harder, obviously, because of the cravings that follow, which doesn't happen with marijuana. If I were you, I would stop everything but the Cymbalta and see if it starts to work, finally, after a few weeks. You definitely CANNOT stop an AD cold turkey, as I'm sure you know, or you WILL end up in the ER not having meant to be there.
I'm so sorry about your eyes. It sounds like some of your vision will be restored, over time, from what I'm reading. The teeth are generally related because 1) of the ingredients in Coricidin, 2) they weren't getting the nutrients they needed, because who can take care of themselves on DXM?, 3) we tend to grind on DXM, and 4) we often forget to (or can't, physically) brush and floss often enough. Teeth can be fixed!
I AM SO PROUD OF US! I can't wait to hear how your days go. Please check in!
As for me, I woke up in the night WITHOUT palpitations for the first time in 4 days, so chose not to continue the Wellbutrin. My eyes and my brain already feel way better. I have an action plan, should I be triggered by a craving, so that I will not ruin my 7th day of sobriety.
REALLY BIG HUGS!
What a difference a day makes!!! I'm SO HAPPY to hear that your BF was able to admit his addiction (this will be INVALUABLE), that your mom knows some of your history (honestly, send or print her my story, she WILL take you seriously, now...sometimes parents have to see how it has affected other folks), that you DO have insurance, that you recognize that you're self-medicating true and real psychological issues that can be addressed, and that you are posting with us!! You have made my day, and I have only just woken up.
Here's the thing about antidepressants that I DID NOT KNOW until a month ago. Smoking marijuana or dosing with DXM actually PREVENTS them from doing their job. I did not believe this until I STOPPED a year's use of marijuana (I had also been on Prozac most of that year), and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. DXM is harder, obviously, because of the cravings that follow, which doesn't happen with marijuana. If I were you, I would stop everything but the Cymbalta and see if it starts to work, finally, after a few weeks. You definitely CANNOT stop an AD cold turkey, as I'm sure you know, or you WILL end up in the ER not having meant to be there.
I'm so sorry about your eyes. It sounds like some of your vision will be restored, over time, from what I'm reading. The teeth are generally related because 1) of the ingredients in Coricidin, 2) they weren't getting the nutrients they needed, because who can take care of themselves on DXM?, 3) we tend to grind on DXM, and 4) we often forget to (or can't, physically) brush and floss often enough. Teeth can be fixed!
I AM SO PROUD OF US! I can't wait to hear how your days go. Please check in!
As for me, I woke up in the night WITHOUT palpitations for the first time in 4 days, so chose not to continue the Wellbutrin. My eyes and my brain already feel way better. I have an action plan, should I be triggered by a craving, so that I will not ruin my 7th day of sobriety.
REALLY BIG HUGS!
Congrats on making it to day 7 DamTram. I haven't really started counting days yet but today I just took one Mucinex. 60mgs of DMX in that. Nothing really, Hel l, that is the actual dose your suppose to take. But I was hoping it would take the edge of some of the physical symptoms. Not sure if that's actually working. My muscles are really cramping and I have a major sinus headache. Fortunately, I won't have trouble staying busy today. I have to drive an hour into town to pick my husband up at the airport. Then back here to lead a craft activity for my daughters group, Nature girls. NA meeting 7 pm tonight. I plan on taking Tylenol pm tonight to sleep and my friend is making me an herbal tea with Valerian. I hope drinking that threw the day helps with my anxiety. I have 4 Mucinex pills left in my box. I'm thinking one a day to help with headache and than NO more. It ***** they are so easy to get. I do have cravings today. I even have cravings to drink alcohol. I get mad that everyone else gets to celebrate the holidays with cocktails. But alcohol and me are not friends :-)
Congratulations, Bahama!!!! You sound great and I am so inspired by you. I definitely think taking the labeled dose of tylenol pm to help with sleep in the beginning is fine. We know we have to watch ourselves carefully. :)
Valerian is really good for anxiety. GABA (another supplement that you would have to order online, most likely) was VERY HELPFUL for the muscle pain during tramadol wirhdrawal. Worth looking into?
In terms of the physical withdrawal, keep trying to remind yourself that a lot of it is the dxm trying to convince you to have them. You have them, obviously, but trust me when I say that they won't last long and are not as unbearable as, say, TRAMADOL withdrawal. The fact that dxm withdrawal is NOT very painful is one of the reasons we HAVEN'T gotten better. Tramadol withdrawal is so ******* awful and hard on your system that it is just not something you can handle more than a few times. Also, if dxm withdrawal were more physically threatening, IT WOULD BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY.
But, let's take what blessings we can and be grateful that we will have our bodies back fairly easily.
As for alcohol, I am waiting for the bus to school and I am singing to a man who is having a very in-depth conversation with his suitcase while downing a can with some weird kind of cheap alcohol in it. Both he and the can smell awful. You guys, we are stopping before psychosis sets in, and for dxm psychosis, PLEASE look up the video for the A&E episode on Ben, whose life was ruined by dxm.
We still have hope.
It's time to get angry. Angry at the drug, angry at the companies, angry at the shows, billboards, and magazine that run ads for them, angry at the stores that won't put them behind counters, and angry for the people who didn't get to regain control of their lives because of it. It's time to take the anger we have been turning in on ourselves and let it the **** out. Only then will we win.
Be smart, not strong. Love you, friends!
Valerian is really good for anxiety. GABA (another supplement that you would have to order online, most likely) was VERY HELPFUL for the muscle pain during tramadol wirhdrawal. Worth looking into?
In terms of the physical withdrawal, keep trying to remind yourself that a lot of it is the dxm trying to convince you to have them. You have them, obviously, but trust me when I say that they won't last long and are not as unbearable as, say, TRAMADOL withdrawal. The fact that dxm withdrawal is NOT very painful is one of the reasons we HAVEN'T gotten better. Tramadol withdrawal is so ******* awful and hard on your system that it is just not something you can handle more than a few times. Also, if dxm withdrawal were more physically threatening, IT WOULD BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY.
But, let's take what blessings we can and be grateful that we will have our bodies back fairly easily.
As for alcohol, I am waiting for the bus to school and I am singing to a man who is having a very in-depth conversation with his suitcase while downing a can with some weird kind of cheap alcohol in it. Both he and the can smell awful. You guys, we are stopping before psychosis sets in, and for dxm psychosis, PLEASE look up the video for the A&E episode on Ben, whose life was ruined by dxm.
We still have hope.
It's time to get angry. Angry at the drug, angry at the companies, angry at the shows, billboards, and magazine that run ads for them, angry at the stores that won't put them behind counters, and angry for the people who didn't get to regain control of their lives because of it. It's time to take the anger we have been turning in on ourselves and let it the **** out. Only then will we win.
Be smart, not strong. Love you, friends!
Congratulations, Bahama!!!! You sound great and I am so inspired by you. I definitely think taking the labeled dose of tylenol pm to help with sleep in the beginning is fine. We know we have to watch ourselves carefully. :)
Valerian is really good for anxiety. GABA (another supplement that you would have to order online, most likely) was VERY HELPFUL for the muscle pain during tramadol wirhdrawal. Worth looking into?
In terms of the physical withdrawal, keep trying to remind yourself that a lot of it is the dxm trying to convince you to have them. You have them, obviously, but trust me when I say that they won't last long and are not as unbearable as, say, TRAMADOL withdrawal. The fact that dxm withdrawal is NOT very painful is one of the reasons we HAVEN'T gotten better. Tramadol withdrawal is so ******* awful and hard on your system that it is just not something you can handle more than a few times. Also, if dxm withdrawal were more physically threatening, IT WOULD BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY.
But, let's take what blessings we can and be grateful that we will have our bodies back fairly easily.
As for alcohol, I am waiting for the bus to school and I am singing to a man who is having a very in-depth conversation with his suitcase while downing a can with some weird kind of cheap alcohol in it. Both he and the can smell awful. You guys, we are stopping before psychosis sets in, and for dxm psychosis, PLEASE look up the video for the A&E episode on Ben, whose life was ruined by dxm.
We still have hope.
It's time to get angry. Angry at the drug, angry at the companies, angry at the shows, billboards, and magazine that run ads for them, angry at the stores that won't put them behind counters, and angry for the people who didn't get to regain control of their lives because of it. It's time to take the anger we have been turning in on ourselves and let it the **** out. Only then will we win.
Be smart, not strong. Love you, friends!
Valerian is really good for anxiety. GABA (another supplement that you would have to order online, most likely) was VERY HELPFUL for the muscle pain during tramadol wirhdrawal. Worth looking into?
In terms of the physical withdrawal, keep trying to remind yourself that a lot of it is the dxm trying to convince you to have them. You have them, obviously, but trust me when I say that they won't last long and are not as unbearable as, say, TRAMADOL withdrawal. The fact that dxm withdrawal is NOT very painful is one of the reasons we HAVEN'T gotten better. Tramadol withdrawal is so ******* awful and hard on your system that it is just not something you can handle more than a few times. Also, if dxm withdrawal were more physically threatening, IT WOULD BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY.
But, let's take what blessings we can and be grateful that we will have our bodies back fairly easily.
As for alcohol, I am waiting for the bus to school and I am singing to a man who is having a very in-depth conversation with his suitcase while downing a can with some weird kind of cheap alcohol in it. Both he and the can smell awful. You guys, we are stopping before psychosis sets in, and for dxm psychosis, PLEASE look up the video for the A&E episode on Ben, whose life was ruined by dxm.
We still have hope.
It's time to get angry. Angry at the drug, angry at the companies, angry at the shows, billboards, and magazine that run ads for them, angry at the stores that won't put them behind counters, and angry for the people who didn't get to regain control of their lives because of it. It's time to take the anger we have been turning in on ourselves and let it the **** out. Only then will we win.
Be smart, not strong. Love you, friends!
4Life: I got an email that you posted, but there is nothing her. :(
thats weird cuz i didnt send anything that i know of LOL
So weird! How are you?
I HAVE GREAT NEWS: the vision and hearing crap was from the Wellbutrin, NOT the DXM. Everyone else will hopefully have dodged those bullets, too. My brain is so much back,and I am so relieved. YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO JOIN ME, THIS IS GREAT. I went to group tonight and everything felt different. You guys are helping to save me, whether you know it or not. Just by posting. Just by being here. Just by making me not alone, anymore. And already seeming like you've stepped on to the road to recovery. :)
I asked my group leader for any information on how to get and maintain sobriety the dissociative class of drugs. She is going to meet with her team and get back to Keon Thursday. Our battle is clearly a very unique one.
7 days, 7 days!
I HAVE GREAT NEWS: the vision and hearing crap was from the Wellbutrin, NOT the DXM. Everyone else will hopefully have dodged those bullets, too. My brain is so much back,and I am so relieved. YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO JOIN ME, THIS IS GREAT. I went to group tonight and everything felt different. You guys are helping to save me, whether you know it or not. Just by posting. Just by being here. Just by making me not alone, anymore. And already seeming like you've stepped on to the road to recovery. :)
I asked my group leader for any information on how to get and maintain sobriety the dissociative class of drugs. She is going to meet with her team and get back to Keon Thursday. Our battle is clearly a very unique one.
7 days, 7 days!
Im ok i guess. i found a few that i misplaced, only 6, but i took them, and now there arent any in the house i have a pretty busy evening so im hoping that will keep my mind off them. I hope you are doing well!!
Thanks, 4Life! I was paralyzed with a 10 hour migraine, today (thanks, Wellbutrin, and good riddance!!). I just got back from the drugstore for Excedrin, which is obviously in the same aisle Deathtromethorphan, and WHAT DID I SEE? ******* DXM marketed as 'natural' products!! One by Vicks and one by some weird company with a HAPPY CARTOON BUMBLEBEE ON IT. I took pictures and sent them to my mom with some very belligerent texts. WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?! :(((((
How are holding up without? I hope you get to dry up, a little. If we relapse, we MUST think LONG and HARD about WHY, precisely, and how it could've been avoided. Then, we must try again. Whatever happens, the most important thing is that we keep coming back here, posting, and gain strength from each other?
Bahama? How are things?
How are holding up without? I hope you get to dry up, a little. If we relapse, we MUST think LONG and HARD about WHY, precisely, and how it could've been avoided. Then, we must try again. Whatever happens, the most important thing is that we keep coming back here, posting, and gain strength from each other?
Bahama? How are things?
Must make it to 14 days...must...is my personal record...must beat it.
Hello DamTram, stumbled in here from your link on the other board, congrats on all your trying to do!!!
Keep up the good work!! I'm hoping your persistence will bring you success and freedom from all addictions!!
Keep up the good work!! I'm hoping your persistence will bring you success and freedom from all addictions!!
Well tapering down was not something I could stick with. I ended up doing a bunch. But today I went CT. I've felt like hell all day and I can't wait until I can take some tylenol pm and get the day over with. Only about 3 more hours to go. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier. I don't have any in the house and I'm planning on staying in my house all day tommorrow too.
OK.... So I'm finally on day 1.....wish me luck! so far so good.....
Good luck 4life! I''m on day 2. Feel like crap but I'm happy I made it this far. it's pathetic but I haven't been on day 2 of sobriety in over 10 months. If we stick with this we should be over the rough physical stuff my Christmas and thinking clear headed.
OMG, BAHAMA, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhhh congratulations, 4Life!!! Keep posting!!
thanks! im feeling pretty good about it this time!! ive been on edge forthe past hr or so and extremely tired but holding steady! we CAN do this!!!
WE CAN AND WE WILL!! What symptoms are you having? Sometimes it helps just to come on here and bark about it. What kind of thoughts are you having?
I'm going to survive day 11! This is the longest since I've entered recovery. Can't wait for 2 whole weeks! Having control feels good, y'all.
On guilt and shame (from last night):
Guilt - bad feelings about things you've done/do (e.g. Ignoring phone calls from friends)
Shame - bad feeling about who you ARE (e.g. I'm worthless, what is wrong with me, etc.)
You do not get better by being strong. You do not get better by using willpower.
You get better by being smart (e.g., staying out of the store aisles that trigger you).. You get better by working hard (e.g., finding ways to treat yourself/cope that don't hurt you).
SO, yeah. Willpower won't work, so that's out. We are also not weak. What can we do to be smart and work hard?
I'm going to survive day 11! This is the longest since I've entered recovery. Can't wait for 2 whole weeks! Having control feels good, y'all.
On guilt and shame (from last night):
Guilt - bad feelings about things you've done/do (e.g. Ignoring phone calls from friends)
Shame - bad feeling about who you ARE (e.g. I'm worthless, what is wrong with me, etc.)
You do not get better by being strong. You do not get better by using willpower.
You get better by being smart (e.g., staying out of the store aisles that trigger you).. You get better by working hard (e.g., finding ways to treat yourself/cope that don't hurt you).
SO, yeah. Willpower won't work, so that's out. We are also not weak. What can we do to be smart and work hard?
I'm glad to be close to ending day2. Feel about the same as day 1, with the added pleasure of diarrhea. Feel really listless, no energy. The muscle pain may be better but my head ache is worse. I really need to go grocery shopping tommorrow but I'm afraid of getting that close to the pills. I have to bring my girls to birthday party tommorrow and that might be about all I can handle.
4life has your boyfriend quit too? How's he doing?
4life has your boyfriend quit too? How's he doing?
yep we are both quitting. we r kinda bickering back an forth but we know it will get better. pretty tired. had to babysit my brothers kids ages 2 and 3 on top of my 4 its been crazy stressful but we r standing strong!
Bahama, I am so glad that the muscle pain isn't intolerable! What I remember most is sleeping and sleeping. The headaches go away, quickly. The diarrhea, too. Just a day or two. Remember: that part is the DXM leaving your body. Once your kidneys are allowed to regain control, you'll be losing water weight. :) PUMP FLUIDS, and the toxins will leave even faster. DXM is stored in fat cells, so the healthier you can eat, the better: whole grains, fruits and veggies, lean meat, low dairy, low sugar, and low sodium. You're about to feel SO much better! Is there anyone that can go shopping with you, who you won't buy pills in front of? Kiddos? Go easy on yourself - I'm sure a birthday party with children is MORE than enough!
4life - I'm so glad your bf is kicking, too! As everyone starts to feel better, the bickering will die down. Those first few days can get pretty emotional...we haven't had normal feelings in a long time. That's a lot of kiddos! Bless you for working so hard.
I work in education, so hearing the unfolding of the dead children, teachers, principal, and psychologist was very difficult, today. I had my first craving in awhile. I thought I was dunzo, but then decided to try doing smart things...reading your posts, calling my mom (just to talk, not to tell her I was craving), until I was tired enough to be like, 'I AM TIRED AND HUNGRY, IT IS TIME FOR DINNER AND BED'. I don't think I would be doing anyone any justice by escaping/hurting myself, anyway. Just the opposite. So, I conclude day 11. With a heavy heart. And that's okay.
4life - I'm so glad your bf is kicking, too! As everyone starts to feel better, the bickering will die down. Those first few days can get pretty emotional...we haven't had normal feelings in a long time. That's a lot of kiddos! Bless you for working so hard.
I work in education, so hearing the unfolding of the dead children, teachers, principal, and psychologist was very difficult, today. I had my first craving in awhile. I thought I was dunzo, but then decided to try doing smart things...reading your posts, calling my mom (just to talk, not to tell her I was craving), until I was tired enough to be like, 'I AM TIRED AND HUNGRY, IT IS TIME FOR DINNER AND BED'. I don't think I would be doing anyone any justice by escaping/hurting myself, anyway. Just the opposite. So, I conclude day 11. With a heavy heart. And that's okay.
Ok, here we go day 3. I was having a pity party because I was thinking I'd feel completely better by now. But after I took a hot shower I feel better. All the physical symptoms are still there but much better. The worst part today is the depressed feeling. Feeling like I'll never be happy again without pills.
Not only WILL you be happy without them, but you were never happy on them. Truth Soooo glad the shower helped!M
DAY 2....feeling overwhelmed with all these kids here again....feeling exhausted and very depressed also but hanging in there...going to blast the music and clean the house, try to distract myself...gotta keep possitive....gotta keep on keepin' on....
MUSIC SHALL SAVE US ALL! Congratulations, 4life!! What are you listening to?
Pink lol i love pink
Perfect! Rock on, sister friend!
i might be an *** for assuming this but im guessing none of us are doing well at gettin off the dex...since nobody has commented lately. but today IS my last day i AM ready to kick this crap to the CURB!....whos with me??
I definitely relapsed (twice, as in...two binges), but yesterday was my last day and I feel SOOOOO much better!! I finally went to my first SMART Recovery meeting, and it was amazing. My counselor at my outpatient program told me that if I really can't get traction, then I will need inpatient. =( We can do this, you guys. The holidays are over, the New Year is coming, and ANY DRUG can be kicked, including this one. We're going to do it.
4Life, send me a message if you want me to send my cell phone #, should you ever feel you are going to crap and need someone to yell at/yell at you via text/call. And, if possible, get to an AA or NA meeting!
I'm so glad you're back!!!
4Life, send me a message if you want me to send my cell phone #, should you ever feel you are going to crap and need someone to yell at/yell at you via text/call. And, if possible, get to an AA or NA meeting!
I'm so glad you're back!!!
i havent taken a day off since i dont even know when but i just feel it. idk. i can just tell that i am soooo ready to get my life back! i have a grant waiting on me at the community college all i have to do is turn in some papers...im going to do this! i NEED to do this....i know i ambetter than this, i know i can rise above it all...its just that first step, first few steps actually but i want out of this HELL. 2 boxes of coricidin a day is not a life i want to live...i know im better than this crap regardless of what others think or what i have made myself believe...I KNOW I AM SMART ENOUGH TO QUIT THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR....because thats all it really is....it DOES NOT OVERPOWER ME!! I AM IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE FROM HERE ON OUT!
OHHHHH, YELL IT OUT, SISTER!!! I'm so proud of you!!!
What I learned is: people with supportive family are more likely to recover and HERE IS WHY. If someone who loves us has never given up on us, how can we have the nerve to give up on ourselves? Contrarily, if we feel that everyone has given up on us, it is very difficult to not want to give up on ourselves. BUT THAT EXCUSE IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Recognize that you WILL NOT give up on you, that there are others here who WILL NOT give up on you, and we will get through this. I promise not to disappear, again. I was too ashamed to say I'd relapsed since I'm the one who started this **** journal. But, now you know, so I will always be here! =P
Hello, friends, both present and future:
I am on my 7th day without DXM, and Thursday was my last day of outpatient rehab (thanks, insurance). I went to my first Smart Recovery meeting last Saturday and met some wonderful people who are further along in recovery who gave me their numbers to call, just in case.
On New Years' Eve, I had a very close call when I my early-to-bed night was subjected to neighbors jumping, yelling, and playing bass. I was asleep, prior, so this was very jarring. It was 11:45pm, so then I had to get all extra sad that I was alone, in bed, 15 minutes before midnight. I tried reaching out to my father (a recovered alcoholic), but couldn't get him. I didn't know what to do, since I didn't want to call anyone else and have them ring in the new year by trying to get me not to use DXM. Finally, I was able to type 'uuuuuugh' into a text message to a woman I had met from Smart Recovery. I could barely send it! My stupid lizard-drug-craving brain was like, 'If you press send, you won't be able to use...', but I somehow managed to hit send.
She responded right away! She asked me where I was, what had happened, and started trying to help me figure out how to get through the craving. Eventually, I remembered that my counselor had said that in early recovery, it might be okay for me to knock myself out with Benadryl at these points (this is not advice to anyone but me), if that's what stops me from getting into the car and driving to CVS to buy DXM. I found some Dramamine (essentially the same thing), told my friend that I would take that, and let her go to sleep.
Next to the Dramamine was my Wellbutrin (which I haven't taken in weeks, since it was messing up my vision), and I remembered that it had helped my cravings. I took the Dramamine and that and, I SWEAR TO YOU, within in 10 minutes, I was minding my business on the couch like nothing had happened. The next night, something happened and I was triggered again. I went straight to the Wellbutrin and, again, was okay within 10 minutes.
I'm now on my own for recovery. I will still see my psychologist once a week (which is the biggest blessing), and I will go to Smart Recovery meetings every Saturday. On Wednesday nights, I will be going to my program's "After-Care", where the 'graduates' from the program get together one a week to check in with each other. So, not really on my own, but I no longer have the safety net of structured recovery and accountability for showing up.
I'm worried, but I also feel like I'm ready. I've learned so much, and I can never go back to chronic use. New Years' Eve was a turning point, and here is what I learned:
1) When you have a craving, you do not have access to your higher brain (reasoning, decision-making) or even your mid-brain (dog and horsey rain), where you can access feelings of love, shame, remorse, etc. You have access to almost nothing but your lower, lizard-brain, which is fight or flight. During a craving, we are used to flighting, not fighting. We are used to running to the drug and escaping the craving. I decided to try to fight, this time, and it was REALLY ****ING HARD.
2) When I was able to hit 'send', though, and my friend wrote back, all of a sudden I had access to my mid-brain/doggy horsey brain! Having someone reach out to me made me have feelings and emotions, so immediately I began to 'up-shift'.
3) Once she got me talking it out, I was able to re-access my higher brain! All of a sudden, I was able to 'up-shift' again to actually think about what I could do to feel better/end the craving without using.
4) Successfully fighting a craving was the most empowering thing I have ever experienced. I was so flipping happy, as I had never done it before. If I'd craved, I'd used. Period. Now, I know that I am capable of another choice.
5) Fighting is hard, but it is so worth it. The only notable withdrawal was tiredness, headache. weakness, and shortness of breath. Anything more (muscles aches, etc.) is the drugs trying to convince you to GO TAKE MORE. The 'pain' of DXM withdrawal is nothing like opiates, nothing like benzos, and nothing like alcohol. We want to believe that it is, because psychologically quitting is JUST THAT HARD. But it isn't.
6) If you are ever ready to quit, have Excedrin on hand for the headaches, Gatorade for all of the stuff you're about to flush out of your system (you will also start to poop more, so this will keep you hydrated!), people in your phone who are textable for when you end up in your lizard brain, and COFFEE. I was able to get through this without sleeping around the clock, but I had to keep caffeine coming. By Day 3, I was feeling pretty flipping normal (physically).
7) I'm weak and fat, now, thanks to DXM. I'm very much determined to re-lose the 20 lbs I had lost in the last year and get all the strength back that I'd built up. DXM made me not care how much salt, sugar, etc. I was putting into my body, and I CERTAINLY wasn't able to walk the 6 miles/day that I was used to walking. I know that focusing on my physical health will be a large part of my after-care.
So, friends, I will post updates, but I do hope you'll come around, too. =) If you are new and thinking that DXM is ruining your life, I promise it is. If you want to get off, I promise that you can. No, it won't be easy. I contend that dissociatives are the most difficult of substances to get over, despite having very little physical withdrawal. DXM takes over your mind and your will.
I'm taking it back, now.
I am on my 7th day without DXM, and Thursday was my last day of outpatient rehab (thanks, insurance). I went to my first Smart Recovery meeting last Saturday and met some wonderful people who are further along in recovery who gave me their numbers to call, just in case.
On New Years' Eve, I had a very close call when I my early-to-bed night was subjected to neighbors jumping, yelling, and playing bass. I was asleep, prior, so this was very jarring. It was 11:45pm, so then I had to get all extra sad that I was alone, in bed, 15 minutes before midnight. I tried reaching out to my father (a recovered alcoholic), but couldn't get him. I didn't know what to do, since I didn't want to call anyone else and have them ring in the new year by trying to get me not to use DXM. Finally, I was able to type 'uuuuuugh' into a text message to a woman I had met from Smart Recovery. I could barely send it! My stupid lizard-drug-craving brain was like, 'If you press send, you won't be able to use...', but I somehow managed to hit send.
She responded right away! She asked me where I was, what had happened, and started trying to help me figure out how to get through the craving. Eventually, I remembered that my counselor had said that in early recovery, it might be okay for me to knock myself out with Benadryl at these points (this is not advice to anyone but me), if that's what stops me from getting into the car and driving to CVS to buy DXM. I found some Dramamine (essentially the same thing), told my friend that I would take that, and let her go to sleep.
Next to the Dramamine was my Wellbutrin (which I haven't taken in weeks, since it was messing up my vision), and I remembered that it had helped my cravings. I took the Dramamine and that and, I SWEAR TO YOU, within in 10 minutes, I was minding my business on the couch like nothing had happened. The next night, something happened and I was triggered again. I went straight to the Wellbutrin and, again, was okay within 10 minutes.
I'm now on my own for recovery. I will still see my psychologist once a week (which is the biggest blessing), and I will go to Smart Recovery meetings every Saturday. On Wednesday nights, I will be going to my program's "After-Care", where the 'graduates' from the program get together one a week to check in with each other. So, not really on my own, but I no longer have the safety net of structured recovery and accountability for showing up.
I'm worried, but I also feel like I'm ready. I've learned so much, and I can never go back to chronic use. New Years' Eve was a turning point, and here is what I learned:
1) When you have a craving, you do not have access to your higher brain (reasoning, decision-making) or even your mid-brain (dog and horsey rain), where you can access feelings of love, shame, remorse, etc. You have access to almost nothing but your lower, lizard-brain, which is fight or flight. During a craving, we are used to flighting, not fighting. We are used to running to the drug and escaping the craving. I decided to try to fight, this time, and it was REALLY ****ING HARD.
2) When I was able to hit 'send', though, and my friend wrote back, all of a sudden I had access to my mid-brain/doggy horsey brain! Having someone reach out to me made me have feelings and emotions, so immediately I began to 'up-shift'.
3) Once she got me talking it out, I was able to re-access my higher brain! All of a sudden, I was able to 'up-shift' again to actually think about what I could do to feel better/end the craving without using.
4) Successfully fighting a craving was the most empowering thing I have ever experienced. I was so flipping happy, as I had never done it before. If I'd craved, I'd used. Period. Now, I know that I am capable of another choice.
5) Fighting is hard, but it is so worth it. The only notable withdrawal was tiredness, headache. weakness, and shortness of breath. Anything more (muscles aches, etc.) is the drugs trying to convince you to GO TAKE MORE. The 'pain' of DXM withdrawal is nothing like opiates, nothing like benzos, and nothing like alcohol. We want to believe that it is, because psychologically quitting is JUST THAT HARD. But it isn't.
6) If you are ever ready to quit, have Excedrin on hand for the headaches, Gatorade for all of the stuff you're about to flush out of your system (you will also start to poop more, so this will keep you hydrated!), people in your phone who are textable for when you end up in your lizard brain, and COFFEE. I was able to get through this without sleeping around the clock, but I had to keep caffeine coming. By Day 3, I was feeling pretty flipping normal (physically).
7) I'm weak and fat, now, thanks to DXM. I'm very much determined to re-lose the 20 lbs I had lost in the last year and get all the strength back that I'd built up. DXM made me not care how much salt, sugar, etc. I was putting into my body, and I CERTAINLY wasn't able to walk the 6 miles/day that I was used to walking. I know that focusing on my physical health will be a large part of my after-care.
So, friends, I will post updates, but I do hope you'll come around, too. =) If you are new and thinking that DXM is ruining your life, I promise it is. If you want to get off, I promise that you can. No, it won't be easy. I contend that dissociatives are the most difficult of substances to get over, despite having very little physical withdrawal. DXM takes over your mind and your will.
I'm taking it back, now.
DAM TRAM did you go inpatient ?
Nope! 22 days sober. :)
Wow, good for you. I am totally hating myself right now. I got drunk yesterday and i'm hungover. think I'm going to make an appointment with an addiction therapist. I got to do something different this time.
Is anyone still posting here? I see the last post is dated january 22nd and it is not may 24th. I hope I'm not too late. I really need some help...
Hi, Haley! I'll always be here. I've been clean since December 30, so I'm definitely in a position to help. What's wrong?
Well I have been using DXM off and on since I was 14, I am now 27. I have struggled with it for so long, and had so many terrible things happen as a result of my use and still I can't seem to kick the habit completely. I know it's bad for me I know it's not making my life any better, yet I turn to it every single time I am in despair. Recently it has been causing some serious issues with my health, and I stopped 2 days ago because I was truly afraid I was going to die if I didn't. I was smelling blood within my sinuses for 3 days straight, and wasn't getting much sleep, and when I was sleeping I was constantly active, talking, scratching, restless limbs... My heart started racing irregularly and was so loud I couldn't focus on anything but the sound of it and my blood pressure skyrocketed to 168/106 even with the help of hydrochlorothiazide. I knew that it was only a matter of time before something was gonna give. I prayed that I would stay alive through the night, and miraculously came through. I have 3 beautiful children and a loving wonderful husband and I have always kept this my dirty little secret and tried to pretend like I was normal for so long but I know I have to stop. I want to stop, I want to be better. It's been 2 days and other than feeling really tired I'm doing pretty good. Still restless in my sleep, but my bowels are moving again (hurray!) and I'm not having any cravings at the moment. I'm still a bit shaky and am still seeing tracers but I know that's to be expected. I feel like this is the moment that will change everything for me. The desire to live is becoming far greater than the desire to throw it all away for a cheap buzz. I have so much to live for, such a wonderful blessed life, it's selfish to do this to myself and risk leaving my family without a mother, or a wife, or a daughter. I just need support. I have felt so alienated for so long because so many people look at cold medicine as child's play. How can you really be addicted to that? Half the crack heads I have talked to wouldn't be able to survive a day on the amount of DXM I was consuming, although as of recently I have cut back so my family wouldn't see the effects. They can always tell when I'm sweating or have issues talking, or seem completely distracted. For a while now it has seemed like just maintenance but I could feel it killing me. I could feel my body dying. I just want to be better.
I will post more later, but:
1) Wellbutrin saved my life, in no small way
2) it wouldn't have if I hadn't finally requested treatment
3) get to an NA meeting. You don't have to tell your substance.
More later!
1) Wellbutrin saved my life, in no small way
2) it wouldn't have if I hadn't finally requested treatment
3) get to an NA meeting. You don't have to tell your substance.
More later!
I've tried NA and AA it just wasn't for me. I' m not into the whole god thing and a lot of people in the program gossip and know people who know me and I'm so far separated from that now...
Ah, yes. I hated it. Instead, I went to Smart Recovery. It looks like you're in SoCal, so should be easy to find a group. It's based cognitive-behavioral therapy and empowerment. I'm not allowed to post links, here.
I'm serious about the Wellbutrin. What you need to understand is that you have used DXM to deal with despair, and for so long, because your system may actually need something extra. I spent years fighting addictions and not being able to figure out why I couldn't be normal. Now I know: my executive functioning was so poor (partially due to a childhood and adolescence of stress, partially due to genetics) that I was unable to do the following (thereby preventing me from ever living the life I wanted):
Control impulsive and compulsive behaviors and thoughts (usually self-destructive)
Regulate negative emotions
Concentrate on tasks
Sleep well
Maintain self-esteem
Build and keep healthy friendships/relationship
Not turn anger inwards
I know the last thing anyone wants when kicking an addiction is to start another drug. It may be, however, the only way to stop. There is SO much to work through, learn, relearn, feel, etc etc upon sobriety. Jumping straight into it, particularly with heavy responsibilities (eg, raising a family), is why most are unsuccessful in remaining sober. If you can, please make an appointment with a psychiatrist and be honest about your addiction. If you don't like him/her or feel judged, leave and find another. You owe it to your girls and husband to do whatever it takes to bring mom back, even if it's outpatient treatment and/or monitored pharmaceutical intervention.
You're the 3rd person who I've spoken to who has raised a family while being on and off DXM long-term. This completely blows my mind, since I wasn't able to speak clearly or walk reliably when on it. I would sit on my couch for 8 hours straight reading the Internet. Why? Because it was 8 hours where all I had to feel was NOTHING. My point is, the 3 of you are SO STRONG to have done those 2 things, simultaneously. It is that strength (and your families) that will help pull you out of this hole. You already have what it takes, but you can't use it, alone. "You can fall into your addiction alone, but you can't get out by yourself". No one can. Those who quit cold turkey with no support never end up dealing with the issues. The addiction just takes on another form.
You may think that your husband has no idea, but I'd venture to guess that he knows very well that sometimes things are very wrong with you, but he doesn't know why. You're not drinking! You're not sick! You're not puking! You're functional! How could you be on drugs/alcohol? Anyway, I bet he'd be relieved to finally understand, sorry that he hadn't pushed the matter, and be ready to help in any way, if he is as wonderful and loving as you say. Telling my mother (and later, my friends) was the scariest thing I'd ever done. It was worth it, though. I'm not sure what would've happened without her.
Remember: the evil of DXM is that it has VERY LITTLE physical withdrawal. It's the paralyzing depression, fear, anxiety, self-hatred, etc etc etc that are the beasts. These are the jerks who get us to give up and start using, again. Which is why we, especially, can't do it alone. Someone else needs to counteract those voices when you become too weak to fight them on your own.
For awhile, I had no one that I knew, my age, who had managed to get off and eventually live a normal life. Then my Smart Recovery group told me that one of the leaders in another part of town was the same age, six years off, and helping others. Not until I met him and talked to him did I believe that this not only beatable, but that there really is a chance for normality on the other side.
I'm living the life I've always wanted, but never been able to. Ever. I cook. I clean. I have friends. I laugh. I rarely cry. I can help others without feeling it myself. I can concentrate. I can sleep. I can exercise. I have an honest-to-goodness boyfriend (of whom I NEVER would have felt worthy, before). Last night, looking at pictures of myself, for the first time in my whole life: I realized that I was pretty. You can have it all, too, Haley.
I'm only a few hours from you, if you ever need support or someone to whack stuff out of your hand. Let me know how I cam help.
I'm serious about the Wellbutrin. What you need to understand is that you have used DXM to deal with despair, and for so long, because your system may actually need something extra. I spent years fighting addictions and not being able to figure out why I couldn't be normal. Now I know: my executive functioning was so poor (partially due to a childhood and adolescence of stress, partially due to genetics) that I was unable to do the following (thereby preventing me from ever living the life I wanted):
Control impulsive and compulsive behaviors and thoughts (usually self-destructive)
Regulate negative emotions
Concentrate on tasks
Sleep well
Maintain self-esteem
Build and keep healthy friendships/relationship
Not turn anger inwards
I know the last thing anyone wants when kicking an addiction is to start another drug. It may be, however, the only way to stop. There is SO much to work through, learn, relearn, feel, etc etc upon sobriety. Jumping straight into it, particularly with heavy responsibilities (eg, raising a family), is why most are unsuccessful in remaining sober. If you can, please make an appointment with a psychiatrist and be honest about your addiction. If you don't like him/her or feel judged, leave and find another. You owe it to your girls and husband to do whatever it takes to bring mom back, even if it's outpatient treatment and/or monitored pharmaceutical intervention.
You're the 3rd person who I've spoken to who has raised a family while being on and off DXM long-term. This completely blows my mind, since I wasn't able to speak clearly or walk reliably when on it. I would sit on my couch for 8 hours straight reading the Internet. Why? Because it was 8 hours where all I had to feel was NOTHING. My point is, the 3 of you are SO STRONG to have done those 2 things, simultaneously. It is that strength (and your families) that will help pull you out of this hole. You already have what it takes, but you can't use it, alone. "You can fall into your addiction alone, but you can't get out by yourself". No one can. Those who quit cold turkey with no support never end up dealing with the issues. The addiction just takes on another form.
You may think that your husband has no idea, but I'd venture to guess that he knows very well that sometimes things are very wrong with you, but he doesn't know why. You're not drinking! You're not sick! You're not puking! You're functional! How could you be on drugs/alcohol? Anyway, I bet he'd be relieved to finally understand, sorry that he hadn't pushed the matter, and be ready to help in any way, if he is as wonderful and loving as you say. Telling my mother (and later, my friends) was the scariest thing I'd ever done. It was worth it, though. I'm not sure what would've happened without her.
Remember: the evil of DXM is that it has VERY LITTLE physical withdrawal. It's the paralyzing depression, fear, anxiety, self-hatred, etc etc etc that are the beasts. These are the jerks who get us to give up and start using, again. Which is why we, especially, can't do it alone. Someone else needs to counteract those voices when you become too weak to fight them on your own.
For awhile, I had no one that I knew, my age, who had managed to get off and eventually live a normal life. Then my Smart Recovery group told me that one of the leaders in another part of town was the same age, six years off, and helping others. Not until I met him and talked to him did I believe that this not only beatable, but that there really is a chance for normality on the other side.
I'm living the life I've always wanted, but never been able to. Ever. I cook. I clean. I have friends. I laugh. I rarely cry. I can help others without feeling it myself. I can concentrate. I can sleep. I can exercise. I have an honest-to-goodness boyfriend (of whom I NEVER would have felt worthy, before). Last night, looking at pictures of myself, for the first time in my whole life: I realized that I was pretty. You can have it all, too, Haley.
I'm only a few hours from you, if you ever need support or someone to whack stuff out of your hand. Let me know how I cam help.
That number is inflated. I think it's in the 130s.
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