Today 3.11.08

Yesterday I felt like I was waiting for something else all day.  I was in kind of a weird place.  Today I’m kinda tired, but I’m ok.  I think I feel bad, because my hair is oily today.  I wish I could take a nap.  I feel like my recovery isn’t progressing well, I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing, but I just feel like something is missing.  I’m afraid I’m letting Robert make me happy, but I don’t know how to stop, and I don’t want to stop.  I need to quit putting all my eggs in one basket, but it’s so hard to not let my thoughts run away with him.  Almost everytime I close my eyes he is there.  I know he’s just a person, but he is everything I never knew I wanted in a guy.  He’s Amazing.  I wish I could say that I haven’t felt this way before, but I have, there all amazing at first.  I need to quit putting him on a pedestal, he’s just a person, and we’ve only been dating for a little over a month.  I need to remember that, and stay grounded somehow.  Anyway I was working on my life story (against the advice of my sponsor) and I realized it was absolutely FULL of self-pity.  I don’t know if exploring that pain is healthy for me or not.  I mean I am really tired, I hope to God I’m not regressing into those old thinking patterns and behaviors, because that sickness is not where I’m at today.  I’m happy, and grateful today in a lot of areas of my life, most all of them actually.  I prayed this morning, and asked God to free me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do His will.  I need to trust Him more, what happened to me?  Why have I been down lately?  Maybe this relationship with Robert is giving me more anxiety than I’m willing to let on.  My old behavior of ‘not getting my hopes up’ or unconscientiously sabatoging my relationship hasn’t been completely removed yet, I’m sad to say.   I’m truly truly in love with him.  He is absolutely so much more than I ever expected to find in one person.  I enjoy every second that I’m with him or talking to him.  Every email, every text fills my heart with joy.  I want so much more of him, I want to make love to him, I want to know all about his life, I want him to hang out at my house.  I just want him in so many ways, and maybe I get sad because I’m not getting things ‘My’ way.  But I don’t want things my way anymore, my ways suck, are broken and misguided.  God please guide me now, help me to find a true happiness in my heart, true serenity, true compassion for others.  Help me to want to be a more caring, loving, attentive mother.  Help me have the drive to continue to pursue and accomplish goals for myself.  Help me to grow, so that I may be there for others in need.  Let me get out of my own way for the rest of today, and let god have precedence in my mind.  I want to let God think my thoughts until Jennifer learns how to think right.  I want to let God feel my feelings, until Jennifer can stay more in the solution than in the problem.