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MedHelp friends or not?

Feb 15, 2009 - 28 comments

I haven't written a journal in a while because of my pain and feeling so bad.  I've been isolating kind of.  However, I do like to talk to MedHelp people as a comfort and a way of reaching out.  Something is bothering me about MedHelp and I thought maybe I would feel better if I get this out:

I don't know if this is just me or if it happens to anyone else.  The people that I think are my *friends* sometimes just stop talking to me, or they don't want to talk to me any longer.  Often I have so many good private conversations with a person who has similar health issues, then all of a sudden I don't hear anything from that person.  I know they are still on MedHelp because it comes up in the sidebar thing that says *Your Friends activities.*  There are a few who I believe may have left the forum, probably because they got better.  I don't think people hang around here talking about medical issues when they get healthy.

In any case, this really makes me feel bad.  I am a kind, very empathetic, supportive person.  I try to reply to  as many posts as I can, even if I don't really have an answer because I want people to feel like someone is listening and cares.

I am a member of another health forum, where I usually get an immediate response and a warm welcome.  I'm not an overly-sensitive person either, but sometimes I don't know about this forum and maybe I should not post as often.



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by PlateletGal, Feb 15, 2009
Hi Cindee56,

I'm glad you are reaching out now. I know for me it is difficult to send as many PM's as I would like to send... because I am busy and/or just feeling lousy. Your friend may be going through a difficult time or just not feeling well and/or brain-fogged (like so many of us who have fibro or CFS !)



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by Tuckamore, Feb 15, 2009
Hi Cindee,

I am sorry that you are feeling sad about your friends at MedHelp. Sometimes ppl that I think I made made friends with stop talking to me too. I don't take it personally. I think that I have shared with them and they with me, hopefully we learned from one another and than they move on. I make sure to reach out to them and make sure they are ok now and again....and sometimes they do the same but not always.

I think that PlateletGal brings up a good point. I often get caught up in the demands of my personal life and my own pain. I try very hard to answer all my PM's on a timely basis. Usually I succeed in a few hours but sometimes it has been a day or two. I also try to respond to posts as soon as they are up and am normally able to get to them in a timely manner but again due to my own pain and personal commitments there are times that is not possible.

I hope I too am a supportive, kind and empathetic person and often I feel bad that I am not able to give more in a particular day to the pain managment community. But we all do the best we can. I know you always have been very good with your responses. And you have a great attitude that even if you don't have an answer, just a reply says so much. It says that we care and we are listening. I wish all out members would respond to more posts, even if they do not have an answer. We're all in this together.

Please stay with us. I think we (MedHelp) is a great site that does a lot of good. We are made of of humans and that means we are not perfect and we have faults. But all in all I think most everyone here is just like you and I. I hope you will soon feel better about the forum and out members. I'll be thinking of you and you can send me a PM any time and I will respond as best I can.

Gentle (((HUGS))) to you!

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by MJIthewriter, Feb 15, 2009
Hi there. I haven't answered all of my pm messages lately, but I do try to say hi to my friends ever so often and send them notes. I don't always reply to my notes, but that doesn't mean I don't care about the people. Sometimes I feel more like reading posts than replying.

I tend to reply only if I feel a strong urge to.  Sometimes I find if I reply too quickly it doesn't work out.

As far as what you had happen I've had that happen to me too. At one time I made a journal listing usernames, but that was not cool of me, nor was it very mature. I took it down. I've had much to learn.

Some groups of people are tight knit here on this website. You're lucky if they even acknowlledge you exist and there are a few who seem to think they are better than anyone else. If you dare to "nudge" into their groups, then suddenly you may find yourself in hot water... I had a few "friends" like that, but after I confronted them they dropped me like a hot potato and haven't spoken a positive word to me since.

Thankfully there aren't many people here like that. Most people I've run into are kind people. If you send a note or a message to them they will reply and tell you what happened.

If you have a friend who repeatedly ignores you, then likely it's best to let them go.


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by Ranaesheart, Feb 15, 2009
Personally, I have felt like you and I've also been guilty of not responding in a timely fashion.  It seems life sometimes gives us more than we can keep up with, no matter how good our intentions to do so.  

In times we are feeling low, you can reach out to several friends and hopefully everyone doesn't find themselves struggling at the same time.  May I suggest that you also use the community to reach out and make a post stating you need assistance or are feeling down?  The members of the WL&D community .. and I'm sure the other communities on MedHelp as well .. try to get to those posts and offer their support and assistance.  

You are correct that sometimes people are here for a reason or a season and then are gone.  Then, there are those of us who have found MedHelp to offer a long-standing circle of friends and support that will last a very very long time.  I hope to be here for years to come .. watching and helping those on their journeys to a healthier lifestyle .. and completing and maintaining my own.

Please know that many people really do care.  They may not be available when we need them, but that does not lessen their intent when they were there for us.

Very best wishes .. and supportive ((Hugs)) ..

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by ireneo, Feb 15, 2009
I have a question for all of you: I enjoy writing to people through notes or messages or journals but is there a way to track the conversations? What I mean is I may visit back and forth with someone for awhile but then not hear from them. My problem is remembering everyone from the various boards I visit (6 different ones). Not everyone I write to is on my "friends" list but we strike up a conversation for awhile and then it fizzles. I'm sure sometimes it's my fault. I can't remember a name to look it up and see where we left off.




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by MJIthewriter, Feb 15, 2009
ireneo, you can go through your pm history and see who is the last person who sent the last pm. Each pm conversation looks like a thread but kept between you and the person you're talking to.

I used to insist that everyone who pms me keep to the same thread, which would result in a long chain that went with several twists and turns in conversation. I still prefer it that way, but I don't insist upon it as much as I used to. If the chain gets long, then loading becomes a pain.  In that case it's time to start a new pm thread.

As far as notes go you can look through your note history, but I don't prefer to talk through notes, because it's harder to follow the conversation and plus it isn't private. I don't tend to answer notes as much because I prefer pm messages for serious conversation. Notes are great for short and simple conversations, or to recognize certain milestones people achieve.

Sometimes I go through my friend list to send notes, but this V-day crept up on me and I didn't get the chance to send everyone a note that I wanted to. I pick people who are active (had a post in the last couple months) and who have replied to me in the past.

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by teko, Feb 15, 2009
Oh wow! I do not get to others as often as I would like, sometimes others need advice now, or personal life gets in the way, or I might just have enough time to check in and respond to one or two before having to go to work, or fix dinner etc.. It would really hurt me to think they felt neglected by me.  I try to put something in my mood section lately to let others know what is up with me. Awe! I feel bad!

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by jollyman069, Feb 15, 2009
I have never had that happen here to me evryone that i pm answeres when they get the chance like Tuck said sometimes we are caught up in our own pain issuses we may not answere right away...if you ever need to chat or vent whatever feel free to pm me i am here everyday..MH ahs been a saving grace for me i have many GOOD friends here i may have never met them face to face but many i consider some of my best friends they know where i am coming from and how i feel so sorry you are feeling this way,,,brian

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by SassyLassie, Feb 15, 2009
I have found out through past experiences with forums that some folks are just better at responding than others. I was a member of one for almost a year, and, I am sad to say that I never really felt one with them. I always sort of felt like an outsider. Believe me, it hurt, and I finally left, in fact, just last week. I told the owner and to be honest, she did not seem to care and did not say good-bye even; all she said was I could come back if I wanted, well, I don't, so, case closed, HeHe.  In a word, I just felt "ignored" there and I am happy I left.

I try to answer all private messages and also the posts on the forums I am visiting at the time. Sometimes I may not be as good as others as I do have some medical issues and when they flare up, they depress me and it is difficult for me to answer or be "upbeat". Also, since I live in a small community, I am out of town a lot going to doctors, etc, so, that is another time I do not respond.

I am new to the Social Group, and so far, it seems like the members are caring and try to answer, already, I have gotten more responses to posts than I got when I was a member of the one I mentioned above.

Anyway, try not to let it get to ya, I know it is easier said than done, but, I am sure that most of the folks are not being nasty or hurtful on purpose when they do not answer.

Hugs
Susie
(The newbie)

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by corey411, Feb 15, 2009
Hey, I've felt just like you do. Sometimes I see notes being passed back and forth and wonder why so many members have forgotten me. I have made so many close friends here, only to lose them back to addiction. I try to keep focused about why I'm here....to learn and help others. The longtime members here help so many others and are giving of  their time and self . I know that it takes many hours out of everyday for some to reach out and post on the forum let alone PM and send notes. Many of these members have close relationships with one another and I think that it is easy to feel that you don't fit in. It's common for us addicts to feel that others are not meeting our needs. I have learned to change my thinking because this relates to other parts of my life as well. Truth for me is I haven,t put effort into building close relationships most of the time.I'm a very personal and serious person. I stayed in a "me mode" for months....why isn't anyone helping me....everyone is happy and having fun with each other, and I'm in pain. Once I changed my expectations I could de-personalized it. Noone wants to cause us pain...sometimes we can be needing more than others have to give. I learned to have deep gratitude to everyone that reached out to me. That is why counseling and NA are recommended by so many. I enjoy 1 on 1 relationships more than group relationships. I always have and that is fine. People are wired differently. Problem is the others that are wired the same way that I have formed friendships with all relapse and go away. I'm sure that there is some kind of connection there LOL. If you ever feel bad and need to talk, feel free to contact me. I have the time and would love to get to know you.

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by HelpinUtah, Feb 15, 2009
Someone once told me that with some friends they are only in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  I suspect the same thing happens here.  We move on and sometimes grow away from each other.  I have had the same experiences as well - but I try not to take it personally.  I continue to love my friends and pray for them even when they stop communicating.  I really do believe it's NOT personal.  I know it's difficult sometimes especially if you are someone who loves people and likes everyone!  So, hang in there and just remember sometimes a friend pops in to help you or you them or both and they pop out again too.  And, it's okay!  I hope that makse sense to you.

Just keep loving your friends here and try to keep in mind that sometimes other things come up in life or maybe sometimes another person is relating better to them at any given time.

Hugs,
Janet

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by margypops, Feb 15, 2009
They are all right, this happens to us all we have so many friends and sometimes they dont have the time, the best thing is too have a lot your self and then you can PM them in turn, remember you dont sit back and wait for them to PM you , go for it and you make that move, I love nattering, I answer straight away if I can and if I going out as I commute 3 times a week I let them knowI wont be around till later or a couple of days,You dont have to worry they are simply getting on with their life.,

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by NautyOne, Feb 15, 2009
I only have one thing to say.  There are good people out here and there are bad people, as in life.  Speaking from experience, I can say........when you talk to someone, and the conversation is not about the two of you, rather about other members......."Run for the hills"  if you have any integrity, and want to keep it.  You do not want to converse with such people, or you will end up in the trouble I think you may be experiencing.....psychic guess on my part.....lol

There are people here for all different reasons.  Some for real, some for play, some for mischief,  you just never know.  

I usually try not to read my pm's unless I have the time to respond.  On occasion I do break the rule and do it, and guess what?.......I lose that persons message and it doesn't get responded too.....right, puppy.....lol.  It happens, but If you see a member you had frequently talked too disappear on you, but is currently active on the forum........and not responding to you.........Just tell them to  "Kiss your lily white ...uh, flowers".......:-))))

(((hugs)))

Nauty..............

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by flmagi, Feb 15, 2009
Cindee, I wouldn't take it to personal, people come and go, maybe get talked out, are fickle, just loose interest or are hurting..........Ya just never know what might be happening in some one's life. I usually come on the forum in the morning when I'm having my coffee, or when I'm done working.....problem is my hands don't work very well and are very painful, so I can't type much. I try to answer PM's or notes but it's not always possible (to painful).
So many times I really want to answer a post or PM and will start typing but then have to stop and just erase everything, because it hurts to much to continue typing.
What I'm saying is .....stuff happens. And I want everyone who sends me PM's and notes, if I don't get back to you soon, it's not because I'm ignoring you, it's just when I'm on I can't always type very much.
And since right now I'm able to type...I better go answer some things.
Hang in there Cindee, there's still plenty more great people to chat with on this forum.


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by allaboutmary, Feb 15, 2009
I wouldn't take it personally.  I have been on MedHelp addiction forum over a year now and have met soooooo many nice people, that I find it hard to keep track.  There are so many I haven't talked or personal messaged in a long time. It would just take up all of my days to message so many nice people.

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by NautyOne, Feb 15, 2009
Oh, come on Magi........I know your ignoring me..........lol

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by allaboutmary, Feb 15, 2009
LMAO  ......Nauty

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by NautyOne, Feb 15, 2009
Mary..........all the hours in a day and then some.........Wow!  you popular girl......you...........:-)))~~~  I can count on one hand how many friends have.........Do tell your secret.......Are you puttin out????......hahhaha

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by flmagi, Feb 15, 2009
Naughty? Naughty who?    LOL....Are you talking to me or Mary?  Do you know which is which (witch) yet?  lol......love ya Vron. I'm not ignoring you.

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by NautyOne, Feb 15, 2009
Okay I do have it right this time, Magi...........its "Nauty"..........Now I may have to kill you !!!!!.........grrrrrrrrr

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by jollyman069, Feb 15, 2009
thats why they call you nauty..lmao

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by MJIthewriter, Feb 15, 2009
corey411, does one have to be an addict to feel that way?  The questions you asked were very close to how I felt when I tried to join in earlier speaking about my online gaming addiction. but the same feelings and self-centeredness, found myself lonely and isolated... But that was just one community.Since then I have found other communities to participate in. I still battle with the self centeredness, but I am hoping that will change as I keep going to EA (Emotions Anonymous)


NautyOne, I admire your wisdom in that post, I think that was one of the biggest traps I got into in the past, but I made one of my recent goals to not feed the problem. I wrote to myself "this account is a no cr-ap zone. I will not take cr-ap, nor give cr-ap.  If anyone comes to me about c-rap about other members, then I'm not interested, nor will I be speaking c-rap about other members. I never passed things second hand, but I used to talk to friends about things that happened first hand that affected me.
By doing so I was feeding into the gossip and giving members material to fire against me...
I'm a slow learner with a lot of things. It seems I have to smash my head against a brick wall before I fully get some things.... I wised up when I found out that people I never spoke with previously seemed fully able to give me a full character assessment (usually negative)..... It was a bit strange to me at first and I couldn't find the connection... Now that I have a goal to reach, I can take steps to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

As far as finding out people's motives, I don't know. I take it on a one on one person basis. If someone does something questionable, then I feel suspicious. Sometimes I leave the door open for things to be made up. After all we are all people and we all have bad moments. I don't know if I may have caught a good person on a bad day or if they were truely trying to cause trouble. That's why I try to give people benefit of the doubt and try to reach out to them.
If things don't work out, then I remain suspicious.  If I get something completely off the wall, then i report it to the admins quietly without making mention.

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by jennifer567, Apr 27, 2009
Oh, Dear Cindy,

I feel so bad that you have felt this way! I am one of the guilty one's ou might be speaking of! :o(  And I am very sorry! I have not been on in a while due to pain and some personal issues!!

I have this happen to me too, and it has hurt my feelings too! I hope you know that many do care for real!

Jennifer

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by ChitChatNine, Apr 27, 2009
I've experienced that we can be rather vyclical .... depends on our symptoms and overall health.   I've found I'll have PM conversations with a member for quite some time and then we don't talk for quite a long time and then before I know it, I get or initiate a PM and we start talking right where we've left off ... kind of similar to not calling a friend on the phone .... I know I tend to go thru periods of not wanting to chit chat on the phone or chit chat online .. depends on what's going on in real life, too.

Anyway, I'd like to be your friend.  I'm online a lot and always around.  

C~
Co-CL Thyroid

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by TrudieC, Apr 27, 2009
I know it can make you feel down but I find it easier to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I know myself that when a lot is going on in my real life or I am not feeling well or in brain fog that I just can't deal with talking with everyone I wish I would.  I treat it as that those who I am closest to experience the same and that we understand the ups and downs and rejoice when we do reconnect.

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by SharJ, May 12, 2009
Cindee,

I am sorry for not answering your note a  couple of days ago.  I intended to write you back, you are special to all of us here on MH and we don't want to see you leave.  I have been guilty of not answering PM or Notes sometimes.  I try to answer them as soon as I read them.  But I do have days that I can barely function.  You are a friend and I know we all feel lonely sometimes if we don't hear from anyone for a while.  As everyone else has said, we have periods when we need to be alone, it is note because  we don't care anymore.  We all have days when life just has other plans for us.  I know I have days when I can barely get through the day because of the Fibro.Fog, I can't finish sentences, I can't function, sometimes it will take me a half an hour to answer a message or a note.  I have days when the Chronic pain just takes over, I still try to answer people. I want to be supportive like everyone here on MH.  Please forgive me for not checking in with you, I do care what is happening  with you. I promise I will try to be there for you asap when I hear from you.  PLEASE STAY Life hits all of us and we get busy but that does not mean we don't care.  Honey, I you are having an emergency Let us know, Let me know we will try to help you.  

Cindee, I care about you, I wast to support you and you have supportive me. Please stay!  We need you here you are a part of our MH family.  Just remember there are a lot of us, don't give up on us. You have been supportive of me, cared for me. Please give us a chance, give me a chance to be there for you.  I will do my best to answer you as soon as I hear from you.  I know you are in a lot of pain sweetie, like all of us. Don't give up on us.  I am here for you.

You have a lot of people that care about you  and love you we need your support:)

Hugs and warm thoughts,
Sharj

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by TheMadMan, Jan 20, 2013
Read your journal posts and see some support from people who want to offer anything they can. I know how damaging pain can be. I feel it every night but have to fight through it. It takes a lot of strength mentally to do this. I have very good support from my caregiver and he has been the angel on my shoulders. I have been through hundreds of doctors and with the help of my caregiver who pushes me, I will go through a hundred more. You have got to KEEP that mental focus of moving on to find the cause of some of the pain that can be relieved. It takes a lot to do this. One thing at a time. Get the MAIN area of pain treated first and then work on the rest. This will take a long time but once you find something that stops some of the pain, you can see positive results. Then you can move on to the next area that needs to be treated.
I have dealt with depression but have a strong mental attitude to stop this depression. Yes depression got the best of me at times but I had to push through this in order to survive. The CONSTANT PAIN I understand. Hurt, hurt and more hurt...
Getting doped up sometimes helps BUT the side effects were not worth it for me. I developed more problems with the dope.
Finding something that I like doing helped me get through some of the depression and pain issues. It takes a lot of focus to find something to do with pain issues but I had to do it. I work with plants around the house, spend time grooming my cat, found a movie I wanted to see, anything that would mentally break my concentration on the pain issues. Once I recognize that I could concentrate on something besides pain, I moved on to visual stimulation. I went down to the beach with my electric wheelchair. Put on my favorite music and just jammed to the music riding down the beach walk path and just focusing on jamming on the music. I love it. it did take a lot of mental strength to do this but I had to. The fear of what I was doing to the people around me scared me. The would be scared to see me, visit me or even call me. I got in touch with a navy buddy who was best man at my wedding over 30 years ago and we now spend time talking and laughing. He calls me weekly and finds a laugh or more just to  make me laugh. I can't hurt my caregiver any more for so much he has done for me. When I hurt, he wants to know where and gets a pill or gives me a rubdown or anything I need. He hears me in the middle of the nigh with pain and he is there offering to do anything he can. He does and that helps get me through he pain night.
YES THE PAIN IS ANNOYING.  Recently I stopped my gabapentin/neurontin and that was a mistake i found out. Went back to it and that helps. I take gabentin along with a muscle relaxer and that gets me to sleep. The sleep helps relax some of the pain issues. It has been very depressing to go to doctor after doctor for treatment. When I an ready to give up, my caregiver pushes on to find a new doctor that will treat me. Yes this is annoying. The Botox injection helped. A lot less pain and the rest I have to work through mentally but the pain level is down for now and I appreciate every moment of being pain free.
It looks like you do have a good support system for people who want to care. Work with them and all that care to help with the mental status of pain. A smile goes a long way and you have offered me a smile with your Botox message. Thank you but after seeing what Botox does to the movie stars face, I am not so sure I would recommend this. What ever the hell this Botox injection did to my piriformis muscle, it helped.
Wish I could offer move answers but I am hear to listen and offer anything I can.
Stay strong and with people who care and can offer a smile just to get through the day and tomorrow we will worry about when it gets here. For the moment, live with strength that people do care and can offer anything they can to help.
Stay strong and we are hear for you.

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by nursegirl6572, Jan 20, 2013
Themadman...not sure if  you noticed the date on this journal entry, it's pretty old (4 years!).  Some of the members are still here, some aren't.  Just wanted to make you awar of th date, in case you hadn't seen it!  :0)

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