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Dec 29, 2012 - 2 comments
So much has happened in the last few months. I moved half way across the country in with my Dad and Step Mum Sister and Twin Brother mid October. I was expecting to move into a peacful envirment. Instead I am walking on egg shells!
My Step Mum is absolutly crazy when it comes to clean. If something CAN cause a mess it is OFF LIMITS! Not aloud to use the microwave cause it can get dirty, not aloud to shred cheese cause it can cause a mess and the list go's on.
There are $20 fines for everything wrong we do. Got a $20 fine for eating an apple in the living room.
I'm always hiding in my room because I KNOW for a FACT everytime I go down stairs I will hear a 3 hoir conspiracy rant from my dad.
I HATE it here!
And since I have no friends or any support here (well I have one friend I see sometimes once a week but I need more than one person in my life) anyways so since I have no support or acceptance here when I was at my friends fashion show and guy gave me some attention and rubbed my thigh, my heart went crazy! I felt accepted!
Now I might be pregnant. I have had 3 negative tests but I am not sure if it is still too early to tell.
If I am pregnant I don't want to raise a baby here! NOT in this house! And I will NOT abort nor put up for adoption. I don't trust people.
And if I am pregnant I want to go back and live with my Mum. I have more support there. But that depends on if "he" would want to be part of the childs life. He said he isn't ready to date cause he doesn't want to be tied down.
Also if I am and I move back across the country theres like no jobs there. I looked for two and half years out there. And a baby cost money!
However what REALLY hurts is I thought there was more to the relationship than sex. Theres not :( And now I have lost all my self worth because I gave away my Virginity. I can NEVER get that back! ! ! !
In the future when I marry I won't be able to experiance the first time with my forever husband.
Today I slept in to 5:30pm because I didn't want yo go down stairs and risk a conspiracy rant. I WANT a Dad. Not consporacy rant!
And now tonight I have spent all night crying off and on. I am hungry but I can't make anything cause the microwave is off limits and I don't want go down stairs a. Because I have been crying and b. Because I don't want to listen to my Dad.
I don't know I am just SO Alone and I need someone. But I don't know were to turn. :/ </3
And worst of all I fell SO far from God! :/
My Step Mum is absolutly crazy when it comes to clean. If something CAN cause a mess it is OFF LIMITS! Not aloud to use the microwave cause it can get dirty, not aloud to shred cheese cause it can cause a mess and the list go's on.
There are $20 fines for everything wrong we do. Got a $20 fine for eating an apple in the living room.
I'm always hiding in my room because I KNOW for a FACT everytime I go down stairs I will hear a 3 hoir conspiracy rant from my dad.
I HATE it here!
And since I have no friends or any support here (well I have one friend I see sometimes once a week but I need more than one person in my life) anyways so since I have no support or acceptance here when I was at my friends fashion show and guy gave me some attention and rubbed my thigh, my heart went crazy! I felt accepted!
Now I might be pregnant. I have had 3 negative tests but I am not sure if it is still too early to tell.
If I am pregnant I don't want to raise a baby here! NOT in this house! And I will NOT abort nor put up for adoption. I don't trust people.
And if I am pregnant I want to go back and live with my Mum. I have more support there. But that depends on if "he" would want to be part of the childs life. He said he isn't ready to date cause he doesn't want to be tied down.
Also if I am and I move back across the country theres like no jobs there. I looked for two and half years out there. And a baby cost money!
However what REALLY hurts is I thought there was more to the relationship than sex. Theres not :( And now I have lost all my self worth because I gave away my Virginity. I can NEVER get that back! ! ! !
In the future when I marry I won't be able to experiance the first time with my forever husband.
Today I slept in to 5:30pm because I didn't want yo go down stairs and risk a conspiracy rant. I WANT a Dad. Not consporacy rant!
And now tonight I have spent all night crying off and on. I am hungry but I can't make anything cause the microwave is off limits and I don't want go down stairs a. Because I have been crying and b. Because I don't want to listen to my Dad.
I don't know I am just SO Alone and I need someone. But I don't know were to turn. :/ </3
And worst of all I fell SO far from God! :/
I typed a length reply, Bran, then with one mistaken, accidental slip of my hand, erased it all. I have some errands I must do and am having difficulty typing due to a hand injury. I will try to type a reply later tonight when I return or in the morning. In the meantime, know that you are being thought of fondly. As for feeling far away from God, He is far more forgiving towards us than we are towards ourselves, so simply tell him you are sorry and ask Him to come closer & comfort you. In addition to that, there are some real, practical steps that you must take to 1) determine if you are indeed pregnant and 2) get the help you need to protect your health & well-being (and that of your baby if you are pregnant). As I said, I'll try to write more about this as soon as I can. Sky
Sorry to be so long getting back to you, Bran. I am quite ill at the moment.
In any case, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well at your Dad's. I'd hoped that you'd feel more supported there. Do you remain in touch with your youth pastor at all? Are you still in school? Do you see any counselor at all since your move? I think it's really important that you do have a counselor---and as I said before, ideally it would be one with expertise in eating disorders. I know you said in the past that one said you weren't "sick/bad enough", but they were mistaken. You need to be proactive and assertive and push to get the care you need. I know that's hard to do, but you are nearly an adult (I forget...how old are you now?) and if you don't feel that your parents are willing/able to advocate for you then you are going to have to advocate for yourself. There are often more free/low cost resources for teens than for adults, so it's important you pursue help now, while more options may be available.
As for the possible pregnancy, you need to seek care for that, too. You mention taking 3 tests that were negative, but over-the-counter tests vary in how long it takes for them to give certain results (it takes a certain time for pregnancy hormones to build up in your body to levels that can be detected by the tests). So a negative test may mean you are not pregnant, but it may also mean that it's just too early to show up with a non-prescription test. I'd urge you to seek the support of one of your parents or, if you absolutely can't approach them, then another trusted adult (aunt, teacher, doctor, counselor) in your life. If you are unwilling/unable to do that, then check the web or phone book for a teen pregnancy crisis center near you. You need to know whether or not you are pregnant, plus you need guidance about being tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases. IF you ARE pregnant, you need to get early prenatal care. That's important for all women who are expecting, but especially for someone who has struggled with eating issues. You need to assure that your nutrition is adequate/body strong enough to support you & a baby during pregnancy
You mentioned needing to know if the father was going to be involved in the baby's life. I am an advocate for both parents taking responsibility & being involved when possible. It sounds, however, that this fellow has made it clear that he is not ready to date or to be "tied down". A man who has expressed those feelings/intentions is unlikely to be a very responsible/reliable presence in a child's life. So you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and the baby IF you are pregnant. The very first step is to get to a clinic/doctor to determine whether there IS a baby and to line up the support you need to make wise decisions if there is.
As for sleeping with this man/boy crushing your self-esteem, I hear where you are coming from. BUT, self-esteem is often, if not almost always, an issue for people with eating disorders and I think, from our many discussions, that this is true for you even before you had sex. In fact, I think it was a lack of self-esteem that influenced your decision to have sex with this guy.You wanted to feel loved & cared for and he could see that he could use these desires to manipulate you. This is not a criticism of you. It is an observation by someone who sometimes did things she didn't want to do or that went against her beliefs & upbringing in an attempt to "fit in" and feel accepted/cared about. You can reclaim some of your self-esteem, though, by being strong now & doing things you know MUST be done: 1) seeking medical care to determine if you are indeed pregnant and obtaining proper care for yourself & your baby if you are and 2) seeking a counselor to help you with your eating disorder/self-esteem issues. You've always listed reasons why you couldn't do the latter, Bran_Bran: lack of money, lack of family support, embarrassment. But to rebuild your self-esteem, to break free of this eating disorder & the self-esteem issues (which, btw, are a nasty circle----> each "feeds" the other to the point that it's hard to know which came first), you MUST take responsibility NOW. You MUST admit the problem exists and you must seek out care and INSIST on being helped. You can't just hear, "you're not bad enough" once & give up. You must say, "Yes, I am bad enough. This is a problem that has impacted my life for years now and will continue to do so forever if I don't get help now." And if one door closes/one agency/counselor can't help you then you have to keep looking & pushing 'til you find one who can.
As for feeling far away from God...He will always forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself and you have to make an effort to care for the prescious gift of life---your own, and if pregnant, your baby's---that He has given you by seeking out the medical and emotional care that you need. You can't get your virginity back, but you can recommit to not having sex outside of marriage again if that is an important part of your belief system (and I, personally believe that it is a wise one for teens). It IS a gift to be a virgin and to "save" oneself for a spouse...but very few people are/do these days. So if you find the man who is meant to be your lifelong partner in the future, it is likely that he will understand that you made a mistake at a youthful age and he won't hold it against you. What is done is done & you have to learn not to hold it against yourself. Instead, you've learned that reserving sex for someone you truly love and who truly loves you is important to you---so do what is necessary to avoid repeating the behavior that you now regret.
I am very seriously ill, Bran. I'm not well enough to get back to this site often and I'm not sure how long I'll be around to be a sounding board or support for you. I hope that you will really take the steps you need to to find professionals who can support you, help you sort things out & become healthy and happy (whether pregnant or not). When you are happier and healthier and stronger, you will attract people who are happier, healthier, stronger and better able to support and love you. Please, please, please, get the help you need so that you can enjoy a long and healthy and happy life! Don't make excuses & don't put it off. Decide you want & deserve happiness and health and then take the steps you must, even if they are difficult or embarrassing, to achieve that.
Sky
In any case, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well at your Dad's. I'd hoped that you'd feel more supported there. Do you remain in touch with your youth pastor at all? Are you still in school? Do you see any counselor at all since your move? I think it's really important that you do have a counselor---and as I said before, ideally it would be one with expertise in eating disorders. I know you said in the past that one said you weren't "sick/bad enough", but they were mistaken. You need to be proactive and assertive and push to get the care you need. I know that's hard to do, but you are nearly an adult (I forget...how old are you now?) and if you don't feel that your parents are willing/able to advocate for you then you are going to have to advocate for yourself. There are often more free/low cost resources for teens than for adults, so it's important you pursue help now, while more options may be available.
As for the possible pregnancy, you need to seek care for that, too. You mention taking 3 tests that were negative, but over-the-counter tests vary in how long it takes for them to give certain results (it takes a certain time for pregnancy hormones to build up in your body to levels that can be detected by the tests). So a negative test may mean you are not pregnant, but it may also mean that it's just too early to show up with a non-prescription test. I'd urge you to seek the support of one of your parents or, if you absolutely can't approach them, then another trusted adult (aunt, teacher, doctor, counselor) in your life. If you are unwilling/unable to do that, then check the web or phone book for a teen pregnancy crisis center near you. You need to know whether or not you are pregnant, plus you need guidance about being tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases. IF you ARE pregnant, you need to get early prenatal care. That's important for all women who are expecting, but especially for someone who has struggled with eating issues. You need to assure that your nutrition is adequate/body strong enough to support you & a baby during pregnancy
You mentioned needing to know if the father was going to be involved in the baby's life. I am an advocate for both parents taking responsibility & being involved when possible. It sounds, however, that this fellow has made it clear that he is not ready to date or to be "tied down". A man who has expressed those feelings/intentions is unlikely to be a very responsible/reliable presence in a child's life. So you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and the baby IF you are pregnant. The very first step is to get to a clinic/doctor to determine whether there IS a baby and to line up the support you need to make wise decisions if there is.
As for sleeping with this man/boy crushing your self-esteem, I hear where you are coming from. BUT, self-esteem is often, if not almost always, an issue for people with eating disorders and I think, from our many discussions, that this is true for you even before you had sex. In fact, I think it was a lack of self-esteem that influenced your decision to have sex with this guy.You wanted to feel loved & cared for and he could see that he could use these desires to manipulate you. This is not a criticism of you. It is an observation by someone who sometimes did things she didn't want to do or that went against her beliefs & upbringing in an attempt to "fit in" and feel accepted/cared about. You can reclaim some of your self-esteem, though, by being strong now & doing things you know MUST be done: 1) seeking medical care to determine if you are indeed pregnant and obtaining proper care for yourself & your baby if you are and 2) seeking a counselor to help you with your eating disorder/self-esteem issues. You've always listed reasons why you couldn't do the latter, Bran_Bran: lack of money, lack of family support, embarrassment. But to rebuild your self-esteem, to break free of this eating disorder & the self-esteem issues (which, btw, are a nasty circle----> each "feeds" the other to the point that it's hard to know which came first), you MUST take responsibility NOW. You MUST admit the problem exists and you must seek out care and INSIST on being helped. You can't just hear, "you're not bad enough" once & give up. You must say, "Yes, I am bad enough. This is a problem that has impacted my life for years now and will continue to do so forever if I don't get help now." And if one door closes/one agency/counselor can't help you then you have to keep looking & pushing 'til you find one who can.
As for feeling far away from God...He will always forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself and you have to make an effort to care for the prescious gift of life---your own, and if pregnant, your baby's---that He has given you by seeking out the medical and emotional care that you need. You can't get your virginity back, but you can recommit to not having sex outside of marriage again if that is an important part of your belief system (and I, personally believe that it is a wise one for teens). It IS a gift to be a virgin and to "save" oneself for a spouse...but very few people are/do these days. So if you find the man who is meant to be your lifelong partner in the future, it is likely that he will understand that you made a mistake at a youthful age and he won't hold it against you. What is done is done & you have to learn not to hold it against yourself. Instead, you've learned that reserving sex for someone you truly love and who truly loves you is important to you---so do what is necessary to avoid repeating the behavior that you now regret.
I am very seriously ill, Bran. I'm not well enough to get back to this site often and I'm not sure how long I'll be around to be a sounding board or support for you. I hope that you will really take the steps you need to to find professionals who can support you, help you sort things out & become healthy and happy (whether pregnant or not). When you are happier and healthier and stronger, you will attract people who are happier, healthier, stronger and better able to support and love you. Please, please, please, get the help you need so that you can enjoy a long and healthy and happy life! Don't make excuses & don't put it off. Decide you want & deserve happiness and health and then take the steps you must, even if they are difficult or embarrassing, to achieve that.
Sky
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