i already wrote on LJ about my problems this morning. this evening wasn't much better. i ticked suicidal thoughts not because of any seriuosness in it but because sometimes when i feel especially bleak it's something that returns to my mind unbidden.
I think J sees the effect his consideration of me has on my opinion of myself, but he wants me skinny and I think he figures the ends justify the means. Plus he's not trying to hurt me anyhow.. being healthy is good and I should be skinny. It just ***** he has to be snide sometimes. Today he was sweet to me and said only early morning grouchy things to me that were irritating and saddening. But it still affected me, and I keep bringing myself back to that porn thing, and feeling inferior, and insecure, and like i'm not good enough. plus i feel cheated b/c i'm the one working and paying for everythiing and although i know he is grateful, it just ***** to know he still wants to watch porn. its sort of twisted in my head, and i should just let it go.
i really need to let it go. what i NEED to do is get sneakers like i said i would and follow that running plan and become my own porn star. i wonder what he'd think of that.