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The end of what was a beautiful thing
Mar 13, 2008 11:14PM
- 4 comments
Well i would like to kick myself, I would like to scream...i know Ive cried sooo much, even panicked a little...but I guess its over. I dont see him knocking down my door, I dont see him calling me & begging me to give it another try...all i get is silence...and in the silence, knowing.
We had a fight in between Christmas & New Years..I was really angry about something...I cant even remember now...Im sure something entangling "her"..well three painful days went by without a word. I died inside for nearly three days with the grief of this loss. I called & called, over & over & he ignored me. He told me later he was just so upset that he just couldnt function, he couldnt pick up that phone. To this day I still dont understand him, how he can be hurt & pull away like that. It was the only time..and I told him our relationship couldnt survive another ...well here we are...at the beginning of another, I guess the beginning of the end. An end I created, I developed & I insisted upon. I have no one to blame but myself for this ending... I was upset last night, upset at his casual relaxation of her control, upset that he doesnt make me important, upset he doesnt fight for US...he said very little...he just kept saying I DONT KNOW... I told him I had enuf & he needed to do something, anything to make this differnt. He said it will get better, we are just in the middle here, her surgury has helped her & she will get better...someday. But till then, I have no room in his life, I see thisi. He would never say that...i did..I asked him...wheres room for me..where! Again, silence followed by an I DONT KNOW.
So I said goodbye, I will always love you & you are the most important thing to me...he said " I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY" Of coarse not, he never does say anthing !!
So now , every few minutes Im overtaken with this grief, much like grieving a death, writing about it help me , heartache overwhelming...real..I will pray again tonight that he will decide WE are important...lf that doesnt happen, it will pass, this heartache...they always do !
We had a fight in between Christmas & New Years..I was really angry about something...I cant even remember now...Im sure something entangling "her"..well three painful days went by without a word. I died inside for nearly three days with the grief of this loss. I called & called, over & over & he ignored me. He told me later he was just so upset that he just couldnt function, he couldnt pick up that phone. To this day I still dont understand him, how he can be hurt & pull away like that. It was the only time..and I told him our relationship couldnt survive another ...well here we are...at the beginning of another, I guess the beginning of the end. An end I created, I developed & I insisted upon. I have no one to blame but myself for this ending... I was upset last night, upset at his casual relaxation of her control, upset that he doesnt make me important, upset he doesnt fight for US...he said very little...he just kept saying I DONT KNOW... I told him I had enuf & he needed to do something, anything to make this differnt. He said it will get better, we are just in the middle here, her surgury has helped her & she will get better...someday. But till then, I have no room in his life, I see thisi. He would never say that...i did..I asked him...wheres room for me..where! Again, silence followed by an I DONT KNOW.
So I said goodbye, I will always love you & you are the most important thing to me...he said " I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY" Of coarse not, he never does say anthing !!
So now , every few minutes Im overtaken with this grief, much like grieving a death, writing about it help me , heartache overwhelming...real..I will pray again tonight that he will decide WE are important...lf that doesnt happen, it will pass, this heartache...they always do !
I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how much you loved and cared about him from what you've written before.
I hope your prayers are answered and, if not, that God will give you the strength to move on and a blessed future.
-AJ
I hope your prayers are answered and, if not, that God will give you the strength to move on and a blessed future.
-AJ
I do love him, Im dying inside, Im prayin he will call. I dont know he will. God always gives me strength to move on, but I also though God gave him to me :(...so why now take him away.
I'm so sorry that you are going through such a rough heartbreak. I haven't written to you before but I do know what it's like to go through such a heartbreaking ending to a once beautiful relationship. Maybe he just needs this time to think, to think about what's important to him. I can't see him never calling again, seeing that you and him shared such a wonderful romance. It is like a death, and you can't help but constantly think about what went wrong. Trying to take back the breakup, blaming yourself for it being over. Of course you were the one who wanted it over...it's so easy to blame ourselves. You have to know that if it was a good relationship then there would have been no need for you to end it. There were problems that he needs to work through and he needs to re-evaluate what's important and whose important. I have faith that things will work out but I hope you do have the strength to get through this tough time. Remember, time heals all wounds. Good luck and I'm always here if you need to talk on a private note.
Thank you so much...it really helps to see others care & know how this kills me inside..I know I need to stand my ground, I know this situation needs change.I just sent him one email at work...I was trying not too & I dont know how Im gonna pull through this weekend wthout him..In eight mths Ive only had one weekend without him..it felt like I was dying then...and I know again it will feel like that. He told me that it kills him too, that the last time for three days he couldt function, he got physically ill when the phone rang & he couldnt answer it...when he finally did, we worked it out. But this time I was clear..I tld him he had to do something ANYTHING...Get out of her apt...make a change for me ANYTHING..I would love to think this crazy insane iintense love we have could just go away ...but yet he pulls back..maybe he will just need the time, but he is not a fighter..I am, Im always fighting for US, he is always so happy that I make his life better, so now Im just so sfraid, this sweet kindred soul of mine, my soulmate will just fade away. I know Ive sent him into despair & I fear he may come out. I know its best for me, as I know I cant go on like we are...but it just is such a loss...I love him so much. How can I be strong...,my kids will be gone this weekend..Ill have no one to distract me & Im afriad Ill chase him...and bring him back into my arms...only to once again be in the same situation..i know I just need to keep myself busy...hank you so much gfor you letter..i apreciate it, ill need someone to ground me & if its this site. then this will help..
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