Jan 06, 2013
I'm not looking for a pity party, but I need somewhere to write this and get it off my chest. And Facebook is not the place!!
Found out today that husbands cousin is pregnant after 1 round of IVF. ONE round! Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them, but also very very very jealous. Yes, there I said it. Jealous, envious, whatever you want to call it.
As I lay here in bed, alone, crying like a hormonal ovulating wreck, all I can think is how cruel Mother Nature is.
Our last IVF round in 2011 was a success, but the pregnancy wasn't. Lasted almost 7 weeks.
I was so excited in the beginning, that I actually dug out all the maternity clothes I had been saving/buying since I was 18 (hey, don't laugh!! I probably have more maternity clothes than your clothing store!). I dug out all the baby goodies too -- . And yet, 15 months after losing the pregnancy, the maternity clothing still hangs in my spare closet. And the binkies and blankets and clothes are front and center in same closet. I don't have the heart to repack it all.
I think everyone we know has been successful with IVF, or RA.
And again, I cry and ask "Why not us?"
I made the comment tonight to dh, "how come it seems to work for everyone else?"
His response "it *****".
I've been hinting for over a year that I'd like to try again, to which he states "no. I can't. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.."
So. I dream. I dream of what should have been. What could have been. But, will never be. No one to call me mommy. No tooth fairies or easter bunnies or Santa presents. No one to have snowball fights with. No teenagers to fight with. No homework battles. No proms or homecomings. No weddings to give or attend as a parent. No grand kids.
Now that its written, I feel a little better.