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Blubbering fool

Jan 06, 2013 - 3 comments

I'm not looking for a pity party, but I need somewhere to write this and get it off my chest. And Facebook is not the place!!
Found out today that husbands cousin is pregnant after 1 round of IVF. ONE round!  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for them, but also very very very jealous. Yes, there I said it.  Jealous, envious, whatever you want to call it.

As I lay here in bed, alone, crying like a hormonal ovulating wreck, all I can think is how cruel Mother Nature is.
Our last IVF round in 2011 was a success, but the pregnancy wasn't. Lasted almost 7 weeks.
I was so excited in the beginning, that I actually dug out all the maternity clothes I had been saving/buying since I was 18 (hey, don't laugh!! I probably have more maternity clothes than your clothing store!).  I dug out all the baby goodies too -- . And yet, 15 months after losing the pregnancy, the maternity clothing still hangs in my spare closet. And the binkies and blankets and clothes are front and center in same closet. I don't have the heart to repack it all.

I think everyone we know has been successful with IVF, or RA.
And again, I cry and ask "Why not us?"

I made the comment tonight to dh, "how come it seems to work for everyone else?"
His response "it *****".
That's it!!.....

I've been hinting for over a year that I'd like to try again, to which he states "no. I can't. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.."  

So.  I dream. I dream of what should have been. What could have been. But, will never be. No one to call me mommy. No tooth fairies or easter bunnies or Santa presents. No one to have snowball fights with. No teenagers to fight with. No homework battles. No proms or homecomings. No weddings to give or attend as a parent. No grand kids.

Now that its written, I feel a little better.
Night all.
Love, Samantha.

Comments
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by alaskacouple, Jan 06, 2013
Stupid med forum....  

His response " it s-u-c-k-s!!!"

All our friends see is a smiling couple. On the outside, we HAVE to appear normal. Does anyone notice that when pregnancy or baby talk comes up, I suddenly have to go the bathroom?
Or at baby showers, when women start comparing pregnancies, I disappear?? I just don't do baby showers anymore. It may sound selfish on my part, but I'd rather just send a gift and not feel like the white elephant.

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by Helen72, Jan 06, 2013
Sam, going through another ivf cycle is torture and I do understand where your dh is coming from.  BUT giving up on a dream is permanent torture and it pains me to see you going through it.  WHY NOT SAM??????     Yes, FB is a wrong forum for your confession since most ppl do not understand infertility depression.  
Marriage is all about compromise.  Can your dh consider alternatives to ivf??  Are you sure that in your heart you are ready to give up?  Yes, going through another ivf should be a mutual decision but so is the decision to not try again.  What about YOU?  Are you done?  

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by mhv, Jan 06, 2013
I think about you a lot, and have often wondered about how your doing. You have been through so much, my friend.  You deserve to have your dream come true.  I hate that your husband is "done" but, to me that just means he is in pain.  I know he wants to be a dad as bad as you want to be a mom.  I hate that we have to go through this crap.... Why is this road sooo long?!?!?  I stopped going to baby showers too, and walked out of the room when "babies and pregnancy" became topics.  I died a little more inside.  

Did you guys always go to the same clinc??  I was just curious.

I know you might not be ready for this step, but there are several programs and clinics that offer shared risk programs or refund programs.  I think you would have to use donor eggs, but, maybe you would be ready for that step?  That is what got the ball rolling for my husband.  I asked him if he could spend 30,000 on a vehicle, and it depreciates, would he be willing to spend 30,000 on a baby that doesn't depreciate, and if he didn't get that baby, at least he would get his $$ back.  That sold him.  He looked at it in a different light, and that was the route we were going to take until we were offered donor embryos.

I don't think anyone should ever give up on their dream of being a parent...they should just look at alternative ways to make it happen,

I think a lot about you.  You are always popping in head.....

Sending huge hugs and many prayers your way, to make your dream come true.

Melissa

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