Jan 15, 2013
As per therapist instructions, journal it. And I feel safe doing it here.
Things have been going poorly again in the anxiety department. I really should spend time on the forum, it would help I have no doubt. I thought I was getting better, but it's been tough lately and I'm not sure why. Today makes sense with Ryder being sick, but he isn't seriously sick, just a tummy bug. Been through those before more then once. But I start to obsess.
Lately I find myself going back to old habits. Checking on him obsessively while he sleeps by putting my hand on his back to ensure he is breathing (he has never once stopped breathing, not even as a newborn in NICU). Obsessively checking that the alarm is set (I have to double check several times) as I begin to worry someone will break in the house in the middle of the night and take him. Listening to DH excitedly talking about our summer camping plans and how Ryder is old enough this year to go hiking without riding in the toddler backpack (I start stressing about cougars of all things - always cougars. They will attack a small child but the chances are pretty remote). Worrying about him running away from me and into the street and being hit by a car. Worrying I will get in a car accident, and of course it will be hit in the side where his car seat is (this happened to my cousin recently, although her 2 year old was fine).
I work myself into a bit of a mess. I know I'm going to need to go back on medication and keep up the therapy. I just wish there was a way to cure this. I then worry I am going to smother my child and raise him to be fearful of everything. I don't want that.
The thing about his is that I know my fears are not really rational. The chances of any of these things happening is so remote in most cases, and at the very least highly unlikely. But knowing that doesn't stop the fear and worry.
Going to take one of my pills now. My Dr. prescribed something I can take when I'm having a rough night. Too much time to think today I guess. It helps sometimes to write it out and hopefully journaling this will help me, and perhaps reassure someone else that they aren't the only ones going through this.