Jan 17, 2013
Ugh I cant help but be scared of my Ct scan coming up. Every since my Dr appt on Tuesday. All that runs through my head is my god what if I have cancer?
DB and I hadnt really talked til last night. He said you know Digi loves you and is looking out for you 100% he said we've walked a fine line with you and pushed the envelope as far as I feel comforable pushing. He knows when he himself isnt enough for you anymore. I said I know and I am 150% comfortable with him and know he is my main man(for medical purposes)
I said to DB I just feel like obviously I want to be ok, and if I am I feel like we are always given signs and I feel like this would be a sign someone saying look you have pushed this disease to the brink, you dodge a bullet you got your amazing little miracle dont be greedy, its time. Time to be done with this disease and have the hysterectomy.
DB agreed in full and said he felt that Digi and the GYN oncologist were likely to go that same route. So we didnt say it but silently I feel we have reached a decision DB needs me, Quinlan needs me. We have been so blessed and why risk what we have.
So we will see what happens after Tuesday. I am scared. Scared out of my mind. I find myself just tearing up at thet what if thoughts. Ovarian Cancer..Ovarian Cancer. God Sh!T please let everything be ok.
I am always one to say be positive, chin up stay focused on the good things. But sometimes when its you, your life, your challenges its so hard to stay focused...
I just needed to journal my feelings let them out have a cry and release......Its all in gods hands