Feelings

Jan 17, 2013 - 15 comments

Ugh I cant help but be scared of my Ct scan coming up. Every since my Dr appt on Tuesday. All that runs through my head is my god what if I have cancer?
DB and I hadnt really talked til last night. He said you know Digi loves you and is looking out for you 100% he said we've walked a fine line with you and pushed the envelope as far as I feel comforable pushing. He knows when he himself isnt enough for you anymore. I said I know and I am 150% comfortable with him and know he is my main man(for medical purposes)
I said to DB I just feel like obviously I want to be ok, and if I am I feel like we are always given signs and I feel like this would be a sign someone saying look you have pushed this disease to the brink, you dodge a bullet you got your amazing little miracle dont be greedy, its time. Time to be done with this disease and have the hysterectomy.
DB agreed in full and said he felt that Digi and the GYN oncologist were likely to go that same route. So we didnt say it but silently I feel we have reached a decision  DB needs me, Quinlan needs me. We have been so blessed and why risk what we have.
So we will see what happens after Tuesday. I am scared. Scared out of my mind. I find myself just tearing up at thet what if thoughts. Ovarian Cancer..Ovarian Cancer. God Sh!T please let everything be ok.
I am always one to say be positive, chin up stay focused on the good things. But sometimes when its you, your life, your challenges its so hard to stay focused...
I just needed to journal my feelings let them out have a cry and release......Its all in gods hands

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by Des_a_rae, Jan 17, 2013
I'm sooo sorry you're having to deal with all of this.  You're a very strong woman, you've been through so much already and you have that lil miracle Miss Q, you know what to do, when the time comes. I'm glad you and your DH got this all out and agreed.   I'd feel the same way about things, why push it..why chance it?  Do what you need to do for YOU and your family. :)    
I can say I feel the same way at times.  My grandmother had to have a hysterectomy early because of pre-cancerous cells..and my other aunt on my dads side had the hysterectomy at 29 because of Endo..and here I am with pre cancer on one side (moms side) and having endo myself (aunt on dads side) I'm scared at times.  I'm scared that I'll never have a child and what if I'm risking MY health in the process?  Blah..it's hard.  Anyways, Hun I wish you the absolute best...I know you've fought with this disease for awhile now and if you're like me..I just wished they could find something to rid us of this for good..WITHOUT having to go through such an extreme surgery. :(  Please know I'm praying for you and praying for this outcome.  No matter what it is..only God knows, but I'm praying that everything comes out fine and you're okay (no doubt it would be :)).    Big hugs!!

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by krichar, Jan 17, 2013
Aww Hun!!! I already commented on your status and talked to you but I feel,I need to comment here too... Your levels were this high just before your IVF and they biopsied and you were fine.... If you've come to your decision and are at peace then that is all you have to worry. Your dr has taken amazing care and just wants you to know everything and no matter what this is you'll kick it's arse!! Even if its a big scary word (which it ISN'T) women beat it EVERY day:) I am here 100% 24/7 ok?

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by Kimberleigh2208, Jan 17, 2013
Oh sweety, I didn't realize you were going through all of this but you are right, it is in God's hands.  I will keep you in my prayers to have God give you healing and a restful heart and mind throughout this ordeal.  We are all here for you, no matter what though!

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by hopeitworks, Jan 17, 2013
Thanks Ladies I appreciate all the suppport and kind words.
I was reading through old journals. Im sure they tested my ca125 previously but I dont have it journaled or recall the number
Mainly prior to IVF with Q, I had bowels wrapped on/around my ovary and all that hoopla. Its always been one thing or another and Masses and spots and god Its hard to even remember. I try to journal everything to do back as a refrence but yes K I have been a mess a many a times before this and with all the previous surgeries everything they have removed has been benign. So I am holding onto that.
I guess we just all have our moments were its hard to be strong all the time. Im just so glad I can come here for support

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by Helen72, Jan 17, 2013
I hope the test will give you a clean bill of health.  I know how scary it is, especially when you have kids to face such fears.  May your previous tests be a sign of benign things to come.
Hugs.

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by Wits777, Jan 17, 2013
I truly have you in my thoughts! I hope everything turns out in your favor! Journal your heart away if that makes you feel better!

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by retta483, Jan 17, 2013
you are in my toughts and prayers ! I hope everything turns out fine . The feelings you have are normal we are all here for you to support you !

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by sisi2399, Jan 17, 2013
I have u in my thoughts and prayers!!!  Trust God!!! He is good

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by mhv, Jan 17, 2013
You have my support and prayers.  

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by Yrmacias, Jan 17, 2013
Love, hugs and prayers your way!

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by hopeitworks, Jan 17, 2013
You ladies are far too kind. I know when I am down and needed love and support I can always count on your all. Thank you so much for the words of inspiration and prayers

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by Jenny101407, Jan 17, 2013
Sending many prayers your way, Keep your head up and try to be strong for your little girl. Everything will be ok, god is good! xoxo

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by cheekyhalfs, Jan 17, 2013
Thinking of you during this worrying time, I know dealing with something like this is very difficult, but hopefully all is well and if not then something which can be treated and dealt with if /when the time comes. Take care,?

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by journey2motherhood, Jan 17, 2013
Oh Leanne, I'm sorry you are going thru this.  I know its hard as you know my mom is going thru her own stuff now.  All I can say is please keep the faith.  It is in God's hand but a positive outlook is everything.  I know as I write this, I hear my inner conscious telling me I hate when people say that.  I will be praying for you of course, and I know everything will be fine.  xoxo

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by butterflybabies, Jan 17, 2013
I am praying everything goes well and it's not cancer. Your a strong woman and you have been so blessed. Whatever path this scan leads you on, I believe you will make it thru and be even stronger. I know how scary the C word can be. In 2011 when I had that reaction to methotrexate and ended up in the hospital because my kidneys were shutting down, and it was bad enough to be in so much pain and grieving another tubal pregnancy and then having a CT scan that showed a big tumor on my adrenal gland was so much to handle. Then having to wait over a month for my surgery to remove the tumor and wait for the results was the scariest time in my life. I just kept thinking what if it is cancer. Anyway just wanted to share that so you know I feel your worry. Praying for you hun!

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