Jan 19, 2013
well Lilly will be 4years in 3 weeks, Iris is 11months, we have our wedding booked for Aug this year and are moving house in May, and was planning on enjoying life as a family for 4 for the next good few years!
well i dont know how the hell it happened, i was on the mini pill, im breastfeeding Iris, iv got pcos and a tilted cervix but iv just found out in pregnant again!
im about 6 weeks, i spoke to my dr and they scanned me and said that every thing looked 'normal'
im so scared though! i was not planning on having any more children for a long time, we have NO money at all, we worked out i wouldn't even beable to have time off with the baby when its born!
Im most worried about Iris, she will only be 18months old, shes a very sensitive child and is very close to me, i dont know how shes going to find it all, as i know how much time a new baby takes up and i dont want to lose my bond with her and this scares the hell out of me, she had such a rough time getting into the world and i feel so protective of her because of this, i dont want anything to ruin the amazing bond between us!
Lilly i know will be fine, shes the best big sister to Iris and we have a great relationship and shes so easy going its unreal!
obvs we will now have to move the wedding as baby is due around the wedding date so i was thinking of moving it to Oct time, im so worried about fitting in my already made dress though and also telling the family as they have all put so much into the wedding!
im just worried about how i feel, iv spent years wanted to be pregnant after 5 losses etc... iv finally got my girls and i was happy! i feel awful saying it but i just feel numb to this whole thing, normally i feel some sorta of attachment to the baby the moment i get a bfp but i just feel shocked and tearful as im so scared! i NEVER thought i would feel this way, i feel bad saying it, as im sure when babys born i will love him/her the same as the girls but atm im scared my feelings wont change!
my heads all over the place, Olli is not understanding of how i feel at all and has this 'just get on with it' attitude! and i know thats what we got to do but im just so not ready, im dreading the whole thing the idea of being pregnant again, what if i end up with another 9 months on bed rest the girls lose there mum for all that time, it was awful and iv only just started to beable to talk about what happend with Iris during pregnancy and birth without crying and now i feel like im ripping open the wound again!
please tell me im not bad for feeling this way!
and that things will be ok....im so worried about Iris!