Jan 24, 2013
Hello all, or no one, depending on if anyone reads this. I don't know exactly how to navigate around this site as I just signed up last night I think it was after finding a question similar to mine in Google. It seems as this site is very supportive.
So incase anyone does take interest, you can call me J (not quite comfortable with my name on a site of strangers). I'm 20 years old, but I've gone through what I'm sure MOST 20 year olds go through. At least that's what I think. I have peope who love me and who I love, but I don't feel the comfort to talk to them about my health fears and what exactly goes on inside of me. (I also have a terrible keyboard. I know how to spell, but it doesn't seem to work out like that sometimes. Lol.) I just need somewhere to vent to, regardless if anyone reads this.
Here's a start of my background: I was in the popular group in elementay school (I live in Canada, so if you're confused as to what that is, thats why). They started making me their ***** and it turned into verbal bullying. This very slowly progresed to physical over 3 years. I finally said I was done after many "family meetings" that focused around this subject, causing me to cry and withdraw by running to my room and slamming the door. They left me alone for the most part, but there was one guy who still bullied me (he brought it to the physical).
I was so depressed. My brother was popular, had more friend than I had recently (I had 0), he was excellent at school just like I was, he played sports way better than I did, he was fit (depression got to me and I got chubby), etc. I was nothing special; I could not offer anyone anything, really. This got worse. I thought abut running away, but I didn't know where I would go. This made me more depressed.
One day I woke up, and it was different. I looked at myself in the mirror (something I stopped doing at such a young age... I was in grade 7 at this point). I got ready for school, got on the bus, and went to school. I remember I was walking in the hallway, but I can't remember where I was going. The boy who started bullying me physically came up to me. He started making really disresectful remarks. Then, like he had done many times before, he went to body check me into the locker. Today, like I said, I was feeling different. I felt the hardness turn my eyes, and my jaw got tight. I beared down, and i pushed him right back. I pushed him SO HARD that he fell on the floor, slid, and even his lbow squeeked on the ground. I looked directly into his eyes and I remember just standing there looking over him while he looked up at me with shock. I then told him "Don't you EVER ******* do that to me again." I walked away, I felt so empowered. But this episode drove me further into depression.
No one talked to me. No one looked at me. No one bothered. My depression worsened, and I couldn't exactly tell my parents. I thought really dark thoughts. REALLY dark. I scared myself. I built up such high walls, and I vowed to myself that I would NEVER tear them down. EVER. I went numb inside. That was a long year.
Grade 8 came and more new people came to my school. By this time, I ONLY wore black, and I wore multiple bracelets. Teachers asked me to take them off to see if I was harming myself, but I never did. I had my hair slicked back in a ponytail all the time and I was still cold. Until one girl. We will name her L. She came to talk to me. For some reason ths girl never gave up. Somehow L got to me, and we started hanging out at school.Then outside of school. Then she introdced me to her friend from her class, B. L, B and I started hanging out more and more even though hardly talked around me. It was time to graduate.
Well, I can't believe that you read all of this so far. I have way mor conditions and stuff that coul be relatable, ESPECIALLY if you are a teen going through a rough time. Trust me, I'm not even digging the deepest I could go when it comes to my depression I had during this time. Stay tuned, and I'm sure you'll find something relatable. If I can help just 1 person, I will be so happy.
I'm off to bed now. I have to be up early, and it is 12am where I live. So good night, loves. Maybe I'll post some more tomorrow.