Jan 24, 2013
medhelp do you ever get cake headaches? yeah, cake headaches. everyone i know ... ok men ... has/have always made fun of me for my cake headaches. check it, its like, you eat anything cake-y, like donuts or ... yes, cake ... or muffins, and i get this like ... idk its like this nasty feeling in my forehead, sort of mid to top of my forehead ... it lasts for maybe five or ten mins at most then goes away. it happens after you eat a half or more of whatever cake your eating like not right away. but if you keep eating it after that point you will keep getting the feelin you have to stop for it to go away. idk!!!! i've always got them. i think its some allergic reaction. but i love cake. i love CAKE rr!!!!! gahhh that does not have anything to DO with being low. ok for you maybe idk im not trying to make fun of you. well maybe a little
today has been kind of a weird ride. i mean. this morning i got up around the right time, a lil late cuz its friday. oh, i mean for me its friday cuz tomorrow no skule! smokin aint allowed in skule ... and um .. it was raining! so it took me a hour and forty minutes to get to skule. i was fit to be fukkin tied. i had a good time in the car at one point but then i just got so fustrated and the traffic was bumper to all the way and even after that a axident and i had ben in bumper so long at that point i actually got angry at the axident. like 'gee dammit, how could that idiot get into an axident!' they hurt, meegy. oh. sorry. like how dare they have a axident on my commute. ahhh geez
skule went ok. this guy whos just a d*ck is better, but he's still a d*ck. you know, some ppl just cant help it. he is a reprehensible human being. his wife, also in the class, is like so much smarter than he is and you can tell she is just leaps and bounds ahead of him in sophistication and evolvement. i feel like telling her "run!" but she seems a little gaga over him. not a lot. but enuf. one of the journal questions was 'what law would you put into effect if you were in charge of the world' there was another choice for journal to write on but of course the egomaniac picked the first one. when he read his answer he was like 'if i were in charge of the world' and i was like you know how big sean says it "GOD oh GOD"
later i locked up with Char and she just looked all bent. i was like 'are you mad at me?' and she got more bent like 'why would i be mad at you. do i look mad" im all 'no chula you dont look mad i just ... i thought you looked upset' she was like 'im just out of it' and i said 'oh i guess i just personalize everything' and she said 'why would the way i look be about you' and i said 'well i go to great lengths to turn everything ppl say or do into the most deleterious reflection on myself as possible' and she said 'oh well you can write me off i wasnt upset with you at all so scratch that worry about me' and i was like 'good i can focus on what the rest of the world thinks of me now' and we laughed
i said 'why you upset' and she said 'i just feel fat.' !!!!!!!!!! this is too. it its just too! i said 'honey you are so skinny what you talking about' and she managed to come up with some (false) evidence of how fat she was. i swear she is like ... if she were on an cheerleading team, which she never would be, they would pick her to be on top. she so dang skinny.
then she sicked herself on me about the Room. 'what did you hear me say about the money?' she ask me. i got immediatley upset and angry and not wanting to cry cuz 'i cant do it. i cant afford it.' she go 'what did you think i said about that' i told her the amount. she say 'no thats what we start at. i just need you to tell me how much you need. ' im about to bust into tears and angry cuz of it. she say 'you know i believe you need to get out of there.' and im all just ... looking around everywhere dont want to look at her. she say 'only one thing is and im not saying you are but i would not want to do this if someone was using.' im all 'im gonna stay clean Char.' she says 'cuz i would not feel good about it if someone was using.' im like 'im gonna stay clean!!!"
so yite its like that. im on the up and up about the room again but i aint heard from the lady. weel c.
i got home and worked out then i went to tha Basin. sfb. so fukkin beautiful. it was after the rain and just ... oh my grill so amazing. i mean it is just beyond words it is too great. i love the basin. i had a nice walk about a hour or more.
when i got home i crashed. was hungy and idk halt maybe and i just could not get myself out of this warp my body and brain were in warp mode and i felt all awful. i threw a few things in my room and then i sobbed for a good twenty maybe more. it was so awful, like the emotions were so strong and painful and i was totally thinking of that scrip and really wanting to boot up and click it and then i was just like 'meegy this hurts so much but if you can get thru this you can get thru it the next time' and it did. i put on awol nation and held the computer speaker right up against my ear and cried and almost started hyperventilating but i held the music there until i calmed down.
then i lissened to gwop.
i saw the anti christ in the kitchen. i thought he did not look good. but that dont stop him with his ... yes i dont even want to say but it dont stop him how idk this is inconceivable to me but whatevr. i dont want him but it still hurts like crazy
what i resent most about rr is that he did not rip the bandaid off but pulled it real slow like. i know he was trying to be kind but you gotta be cruel to be kind rr come on man get it
and a lot of that stuff makes ME feel weird, too so you can still go fuh yourself even if you accuse me of being juvie. thats fine man. ill take it.
i guess the feelings and like the whole sitch for me turns on itself and gets convoluted not ony becuz its a drop, both the ac and rr, but also cuz the time period overlapped maybe? idk its just weird how when i get upset about the anti christ ... often ... i also get upset about rr
and i ate dinner that helped my mood and took my meds and then i went out and got a CHOCOLOATE DONUT that helped treeeeemendousleeeeeee! personally, i think sugar is good for depression!!!! so there.
i wore my pajamas to the donut shop and they did not ask if i just came there for the donuts.
your funny, Meegy.
am I? thanks.
good evening, Medhelp.
ps did i say i also listened to guap? twice