Jan 25, 2013
Hello, loves. So yesterday I left off when I graduated. Summer before grade 9 I cannot remember. I don’t think it was great. By now my insecurities and lack of motivation had caused me to not care about sports, so I quit since my younger brother was better than me. I stopped caring about school and was going to not even go to high school since my younger brother was better than me. After all, he would need all the money he could get for university, so I would let my parents give him my money they saved for me to go on to more education. I don’t believe I hung out with anyone that summer to be honest. I think I stayed in my room for the most part.
So cue grade 9. I’m introduced to more people, and I reconnect with one of my old friends from before the bullying started. She had decided to ditch me for the popular people. No way I was letting her back in through the walls though. I had lost a bit of weight due to depression and lack of motivation to even provide myself with food, but I was still sort of chubby. I still went to the soccer field to support my brother with his games even though I was jealous. There my mom’s friend introduced me to a guy. He was very good looking, but my coldness kind of pushed him away. We started talking anyways (real talking, not the “oh we’re ‘talking’ aka hooking up, but nothing more”). We started hanging out in public and I surprisingly had fun. He asked me out two weeks after one of our hang outs, and I decided “what the hell!” We stopped going out and started watching movies at his house (what else can an underage couple do?). That was fun for a little bit until he started calling ME boring. This started getting worse and worse and worse. He would call me fat, ugly, b****, s*** (even though he was the first guy I liked, first guy I kissed, first guy I dated). He would say no one wanted me. He would say that I was right to have been bullied, he said he really wasn’t interested in what I wanted to do with my life and that I wouldn’t go anywhere, he said that the only reason why he was with me is because he was tired of going 2 months with using his hand for pleasure. I still kept going back. I didn’t understand why, he never made me happy anymore, he always had something bad to say, and he always tried convincing me to have sex with him. Every time I said no when he asked while kissing, he would grab my hair tight and pull back and say my neck looked like it was asking to be strangled as he put his other hand on it. He didn’t squeeze hard. It was just enough so that I knew he was mad. I guess I went back because I was scared to tell anyone and what he’d do if I left. One day he ended up punching me. He apologized immediately as I cried. I stuck around for another 2 months of this (only saw him on weekends now). One day it was REALLY bad. I stayed over at a friends for a couple of days because of the cuts and just how I looked. It was bad, but he made sure that my clothes would cover most of them. My parents never found out. I begged my friend not to tell them.
Throughout this, I cut 2 people from my life again for showing concern over my need to respond to him right away if he would text me, etc. I was hooked in his web. Finally after only 6 and a half months of this (can`t believe how fast it progressed to this day), I didn’t answer his texts, calls, emails. I had 44 texts, 27 calls and 10 emails. He then sent one saying “we’re done you f***ing sl**. Have a nice life of loneliness because no one wants your nasty ***.” I was relieved. SO relieved, but my walls were sky high again. People would die trying to climb them, that’s how high they felt.
I decided I needed to start changing. Show him I am not nasty (If you believe in astrology, I am a Leo, so if you tell me I can’t do something, I will do everything in my power to make it work). I went on a diet. A very strict diet. At the time I didn’t believe that it was anorexia and bulimia, but now I know better. I wouldn’t eat most of the day. I would have Lipton green tea (cold, not hot) for my drinks and eat ONE bistro crustini a day. That’s it. I went from 125 pounds (at this point getting closer to grade 10) to 102.4 pounds in about 4 months. When I went back to school for grade 10, no one had seen me this skinny. They had seen me when I was about 118 pounds (keep in mind, I am only 5’3 now, so I was probably 5’1 then), so it was a huge change for them. I had started drinking the summer between grade 9 and 10, so because I was so incredibly pent up inside, I would cry-vent to B and L when I was drunk. Only they knew, or so I thought. My old friend who left me for the bullies, who came back, and who I re-cut out again (it’s crazy how easily I could cut people out then) asked L if I was okay, and L out of needing to vent to someone about how bad it was starting to get, told her that she was right, and I was suffering from a bulimia and anorexia combination (I would only eat once a day, and I would make myself vomit it up after).
I remember sitting in class (still not paying attention in classes) when my brother sent me a text saying “are the people joking about your weight?” I asked what he meant and he said a girl was walking by a group of people and they were saying I was anorexic and stuff. I told him that it wasn’t true, it’s just I was on a diet that was working for me, and they were jealous. He left it at that. Turns out that old friend told them. I cussed her out so much that I don’t remember what I said. I was in such a RAGE I got tunnel vision and I blacked out. Next thing I knew I was at the other side of the school and my hand was killing me; I had punched a locker. Walls up, and I was changed. I was reckless.
I REALLY like this venting. I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but if you are, you obviously can relate to something in here so far. I think that maybe I will post some more later. If not, I will be back tomorrow! We still have A LOT more to go! Remember: Life is about ups and downs. Even though you may not see another “up” right now, it’s there. Trust me, and trust in your strength. Xo