Jan 26, 2013
Hello again! I hope you’re having a good day today! So we left off where I switched from innocent and good girl to reckless.
I changed quite a bit. I dropped even more weight (my lowest got down to 5’2 and 87 pounds) given alcohol was basically my only calorie intake. That, with my one bistro crustini (god, I hate the thought of eating them again). I had an “I don’t give a f***” attitude, and my schooling got worse. My English teacher told me that I had 18% in her class and that it would be a MIRACLE if I could pass after she marked my one assignment and I took the exam. I told her I couldn’t care less. I had my geography teacher say basically the same thing, except I had 26% in his class. I told him also that I didn’t give a f****. No one of course knew what our conversations were since I lied and said they were about something else. I tried smoking weed, and frankly, I didn’t like it. It didn’t do anything for me that was special enough to keep trying. I just drank more. I would put alcohol in my drinks I brought to school. If I bought a drink, I’d have a water bottle with alcohol in it and mix it in the bathroom. It progressed where I just drank straight, and people thought it was water. Through all of this though, I met new people that my other friends were bringing into the group. B and L were still around, and somehow we got closer. They brought in a friend I’ll call R. She was nice, but I was suspicious just because of the walls. Then they brought in a guy I’ll call A. Walls up and I was ready to attack if I needed to. I think I gave him the coldest shoulder and the hardest time coming into the group. That was pretty much my friend activity throughout high school after that. I didn’t keep many people close AT ALL. Just those 4 after a couple of other people had been cut. I’d be surprised when people knew my name still at this point too because of my ex’s words being constantly repeated. That summer, I got so drunk. I drank a 26 of vodka, mostly straight. I made out with a scummy guy who had 2 kids by 2 different girls and was 21 years old (I believe I was still 16, just about to turn 17 in a month at this point). I was so hungover and scared to face my mom that I stayed in my room and didn’t eat for 3 days.
Then I tried weed again (why, I’ll never know). I hung out with my friend and her a** hole of a boyfriend (he reminded me of my ex, but minus the abuse). We were hanging out in his garage with him and 4 of his other friends (all guys). I felt incredibly uncomfortable, but smoked anyways. I relaxed. The most relaxed I felt in I don’t even know how long. To guess, I would honestly say since I was 7 (I had always had messed up, runaway thoughts). I started talking to everyone like I knew them, and I had SUCH a good time. I realized then that they probably wouldn’t hurt me in a group, or even alone. They were pretty nice guys. My mom picked me up that night and she knew what I had done. I told her I’d never do it again. I did though. It made those bad thoughts go away, it made me have one thought at a time, not a million. It made me relax and be able to talk to people again. One of the guys and I got along better than the already good friendships. We had a whole night of holding hand, cuddling and making out while drinking, but since we were out in public, he didn’t press for sex, nor would I give it to him. That turned out to be the end of that. He didn’t hang out in the garage anymore. I remember thinking “I knew I should have gone for Du (we will call him),” so next time we hung out, we went to my old elementary school since we were around the area. We laid there and looked at the stars while cuddling. It was nice. He told me I was beautiful, and I felt my smile actually touch my eyes for once. He leaned in to kiss me. He tried to go further, and I said we should find everyone else. He kept kissing me and didn’t listen. I told him to stop; he didn’t. He kept making more attempts. I started to get scared and I tried pushing him off, but it didn’t work, and he put his hand on my mouth while trying to undo his pants to keep me from yelling. Despite me hitting at him, he got his pants undone and started on mine. He moved his hand from my mouth to hold my hands down, and I let out the loudest “help!” I’ll ever yell. I could give birth to 20 elephant-sized children, and I’m sure that I wouldn’t yell louder than that. He got pissed off and frantic. Just as he got my panties down, the other guys came up with B included. They pushed him off of me and asked what the f*** he was doing. Walls up and eyes cold again. I didn’t hang out with them ever again. This moment was the one that, even though the “rebel” stage was not long, it ended it right there. I realized I’m NOT that person to rebel. I went back to almost how I was, but colder.
I finally got a job actually the end of the summer of that year. I needed my head on straight and that was going to do it. It was only fast food, but I was dedicated to show them that I’m worth something. I always felt the need to have to prove myself to everyone (oh btw, because of this trait, I DID end uppassing my English and Geography courses). I hated it, but it needed to be done. One shift, my manager got so mad at me for me telling him I cannot open the store at 6am because 1. I live where buses don’t come, and 2. I have school. I went back up front to work, and he came charging through the kitchen up to me and screamed at me as I watched all of my coworkers (and actually a couple friends, one of which I’m still friends with to this day) stare at me in shock getting yelled at. Once again, I’m a Leo, and my ego says “don’t embarrass me or else” type thing. Even though he was screaming at me (in front of customers too!) I told him I didn’t need to take his B.S. I took of my headset and put it on the counter and I went to clean (I clean when I need to calm down, didn’t know that until that moment). I didn’t do it subtly though, I slammed EVERYTHING, and I cracked glass on one of the decorative windows inside. I didn’t come back to work with the other members until about an hour or so after. My manager had given me violent thoughts (which I had NEVER had towards a person before, and I still haven’t since), and I had to get away. Because of this, I felt the need to self-medicate. I didn’t have anything that day, but I was so pissed the next day that I told B that I wanted to try cold pills. We walked to the store; she took 11 and I took 13.
We went to class extremely out of it. I felt drunk, and I almost fell out of my chair. The teacher sent me down to lay down in guidance. There, they told me that they hoped that I wouldn’t bother with university or college because I would get nowhere and ultimately amount to nothing. They said I was better off leeching off my parent until they die and find someone else. If I wasn’t so out of it, I would have been more pissed. I left though anyways and left school property. I had to go to work that day, and my brain was extremely “fuzzy.” I remember telling my friend that I thought I had “spidey senses.” I was in the middle of taking a drive-thru order when I felt the urge to puke. I took the headset off, and I BOLTED to the back to use the bathroom. I had passed out for 5 minutes. I came out after cleaning up and a man who worked there, who became quite a good friend even though he was 20 some odd years older than me, told me to sit down as he handed me a water bottle. He asked me what was wrong, I told him, and he asked what the hell I was doing. I told him I was angry and have nothing else to release it to/through. He told me “J, you’re going to kill yourself. You’re not this rebellious teenager anymore (I told him about it one shift when no one was there). You’ve matured since then. It might not be today, but one day you’re GOING to self-medicate, and one day, you’re NOT going to wake up, and you WILL be dead. There’s no coming back from that. Is your anger in the moment really a good enough reason to put your parents, brother and friends through the pain of losing you?!” Of course, my answer was no.
I have to end it here for now. My fingers are getting sore. I have to clean and start dinner too given it’s almost 4 here! Will be back maybe later, but a new post will be tomorrow! Have a great night! :)