Jan 27, 2013
Either this is just part of the roller coaster of emotions on this journey or progression really does exist! Today, well, Saturday, was my last day of Vicodin. I only had a half. My back pain and the severe, constant body aches were WAY less than Friday. I've listened to the "Heal your Body" hypnotherapy CD for three nights in a row already. I'm not sure if the good feelings are coming from that or if my body is really getting adjusted to not having Vicodin. I am, however, dealing with constant tiredness and terrible fatigue- doesn't matter how much sleep I get. I'm hoping it's part of the W/D and it will be over soon... I also have had a couple breakdowns and some pretty bad depression. Not so much anxiety. All of these emotions have contributed to an annoying case of insomnia. I just want to sleep! I feel so tired but going to bed makes me shutter. When I go to bed that's usually when the emotions come out and my mind starts racing. I think that's why I get anxious and avoid "bedtime" at all cost. I truly feel like a three year old right now, lol...It's comical to think of once those moments have passed but it sure doesn't feel that way in the peak of emotions.
Anyway I feel so many things about tomorrow. I'm excited, scared, nervous, anxious, (sounds synonymous but trust me, they're different emotions). I'm also so happy. I feel so numb and dead. I even took a "chakra" test and it said ALL of my chakras are closed. Not even just WEAK, but CLOSED. That really shocked me. I thought as long as you breathed and had a pulse, It was impossible for each and every chakra to be closed. It was really eye opening. It's just more proof how numb I've been and how little I've been living.
It's really weird...whenever I listen to the hypnotherapy CD, I imagine a future version of myself. She looks so happy- glowing even. She's dressed completely in white, like an angel, and is so put together with beautifully curled hair and a smile that never dissipates. She comes up to my present self and strokes my hair. hugs me, and walks away. This whole time she's smiling. The first time I listened to the CD, I burst into tears. I didn't realize how much I needed this personal healing. Prescription meds have taken over my life and was on the track of ruining it entirely. I'm so glad for the epiphany I had to put an end to it all. I want to be the future self that always appears in my subconscious.
It's 2:30am and I'm going to attempt to sleep now. Making an honest effort to kick the "5:30am habit".