Jan 28, 2013
Sorry if there's anyone who actually reads this. I was busy all yesterday. Sleeping mostly, but it's because I am sick.
So after this guy asked me this, it really hit home. My other friend (who I'm still friends with today) luckily wasn't working that night, but he found out and was NOT happy. We will call him Dr (I've come into contact with a lot of people whose names start with D). I remember sitting in his car talking about it. First time I cried in front of him too. I don't think he expected me to be that broken inside. He hugged me and we talked for quite a while after. After this, he started texting me more, asking to hang out more, calling me babe. We would talk every day all day. Of course, I started to like him even though my walls were telling me otherwise (and the fact he is 12 years older than me). I liked him so much. He was interested in this one girl which hurt me, but how could I think he'd like someone as disgusting as me? So I started to pull away again. Not just from him, but from everyone. I made it up that I had a lot going on in my life and couldn't talk to them. I eventually was successful. I had taken the feeling of them feeling OBLIGATED to be my friend because they pitied me. I didn't need their pity. So that lasted a while. I became even more hateful towards myself. I fell into using pills again, and plenty of times I thought about self-harm. Of course no one would know. Not only did things with my friends not work out, but my home life wasn't ideal. I have to say for any parents, just because you stay together for the kids, doesn't mean that's best. My brother is into a bunch of stuff (and is 2 years younger than I), so my parents were CONSTANTLY screaming at him, he'd scream at them, punch a wall, causing my parents to fight because one wasn't backing the other up, etc.
My parents would then treat me like **** which led to them not treating me at all. My brother was being such a problem that it seemed as though they forgot that I even existed. Because of this my thoughts that had been implanted by my ex turned into "Wow, not even my parents know I exist" as well as the other nasty thoughts. I remember sitting in front of my mirror and picking apart every flaw. For grabbing my stomach which was barely there and saying I ws fat while thinking "How many pills can I handle today? Yesterday was passed out an abnormally long time.. Maybe it's working." Then I went into a work meeting and met Br.
During the meeting, I was like how I always was (I can't stress how much I believe in astrology now. Looking back, I can see some traits) when I met someone new. Tried to impress with my humour, and wanting to be the center of attention. I was 17 turning 18 in 5 months at this point (I keep forgetting to add my age! I just keep going!). I would keep looking at him. What did I have to lose anyways? I cut my friends out so they didn't feel bitter for HAVING to pretend to be my friends, and I wasn't even acknowledged at home. When the meeting was done, he had to change to start his first shift. I think part of the reason why started hitting on him was because Dr was working too, and I wanted to make him jealous. I hadn't put myself out there to tell him I liked him, but I was still hurt. I hated thatI was doing that, but I felt I couldn't control it. I had also done it because the manager, who got along with me amazingly well, was 2 years older than me, who I DID say I was interested in him was working too (he had said he couldn't because it wasnt appropriate as long as he worked there and because he a leaving or school soon). This guy had taken is breaks with mine, would use me as examples in stories to be near me, who would stand behind me (so close that I could smell his cologne, feel his presence and wanted him to just wrap hisarms around me) yet he said that because of work and school, he couldn't do anything. Anyways, Br and I switched numbers, and we started talking constantly. Two months later and he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. We saw each other every day whether it be at work or hanging out. I thought things were going great; he seemed to be happy too. He wa always asking me to hang out, and if I said I couldn't, he'd bug for me to. It was summer now and a month and a bit until my birthday when I lost my virginity to him in the most gentle way ever. We couldn't keep our hands off each other (luckily he had the apartment to himself most of the time). We were getting ready to go out one day (i don't know how this came up), and he told me he missed parts of being single. I told him he could have every part of being single and I went to walk out. He stopped me and said just because he missed some, doesn't mean he's unhappy with me. Then he told me he loved me, and we continued our plans, but it was tense. Meanwhile, my manger who I liked a lot before, we will call him Jo, kept asking if we were still together even though we all worked with each other
We visited his mom for his birthday (it was a 3 day thing given where she lived). We laughed way too much we both said we would never laugh again because our cheeks hurt that much (his words, not mine but I agreed), shared thoughts, met his friends and got along well with them, we were that cute couple everyone had started talking about. I thought we connected, but whatever. About a week later he said he needed space. I told him that was okay. I said I was there for him if he needed someone to listen to and to let me know what his decision was. I cried every night. I knew he was going to end it, I just had a feeling. Sure enough, he sends me a text on a Friday night around 12am saying "I think we should see other people." Because I had been crying that whole time, I felt the "grieving" part was over, and thankfully it was. The next day I saw pictures of him taking shots at the bar. I replied to his text (since I hadn't yet) that I hoped he had fun with that w**** last night. No response.
I'm done for the day, need a nap!! Mono kicks your a**, then kicks it some more!