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Jan 29, 2013 - 0 comments
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sex

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Love

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experimenting

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experimental

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relationsips

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relationship

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Bi-Curious

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lesbian

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Gay

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confidence boosting

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confident

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Depression

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Panic

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normal



So I have to start out, Dr text me today saying he missed me and that he woudn't let us drift liks some friends do. I'm happy for that, as he is a really great peson, but sort of creeped because I just mentioned him in hereyesterday, and I feel like he read it. Though that's crazy talk. Ahh. Anyways....

It was about a week or two later when I got a Facebook message from Br. He said he wished he didn't end things the way he did, he wished that he didn't see how hurt I was, how I avoided him because of it, etc. I told him it was a coward way to do it, and it ws very disrespectul. Somehow we came to the conclusion of him wanting to give me closure, and I was to come over.

That night I didn't sleep. I was thinking of things to say to him. Some situations wer angry, some nice. You know, normal teenage girl thinking. In the morning I bused downtown. My second bus hadn't come yet and wouldn't for another 30 minutes, so I started walking I endd up walking a long time because I missed the bus when it came, and I decided to just walk the rest. I finally got to his house and texted him that I was there to let me in (since there are no buzzers, just a code). I waited for almost 10 minutes. I was so mad. I was going to leave when he opened the door. I noticed that he looked terrible. His eyes were red and his nose was too. He then told me that his grandpa, who he lived with was in an accident, and it wasn't looking good. All my anger and what I was going to say left me because  knew how important his grandpa was to him. I rubbed his back while he had his head in hi palms for quite awhile when he finally said "Why does EVERYTHING go downhill all at the same time?! First my mom moving, then me losing you, now my grandpa." I told him he didn't hav to lose me, but that's what he chose. He cried again infront of me and told me to say what I needed to say and ask what I needed to ask. I told him there was nothing to ask because I know he had slept with another girl and that was the reason why he dumped me. Then I told him my things, but reworded it to be nicer. We both got emotional and hugged for I don't even know how long. I told him I had to go. I got my stuff, left and walked out of the building. I hoped he would come running out and saying he didn't want me gone, that he wanted me and made a mistake, but this is reality and he didn't. He was he first one I loved. It wasn't because of the sex. It was because we got along so well and he just gave me emotions I had never felt before. He taught me what good could come when you just be yourself. He taught me that I wasn't ugly on the inside. I will love him forever because of that.

So I was done with the hurt, but he reained in my mind. I didn't turn to pills, I didn't turn to weed, but I did drink a bit more, also because  was now 18 and I had ONE more year left until I was 19 (legal drinking age in Canada), woohoo!! I had a couple more backyard bonfires with alcohol, music, food, etc. I just felt so much more confident about who I was on the inside. Br made me feel it. I started talking to everyone again beause of it, including Dr. One night, we all had a lot to drink. B, L, and my first guy friend in awhie, A went into the tent to go to sleep.It ended up being more experimental, but was only kissing. For some reason, that made me feel more confident about myself. The same summer, only B and  got together and it was more than that. We made out everywhere and more. All but s*x. We both thought the other was too drunk to have remembered it for the longest time. That made me confident as well, though awkward hanging out at first the next few times. It also didn't make the wanting love thin go away. I was still straight, I just needed to try something different.

I started hanging ou with Dr more too that summer. He tried to teach me how to play pool. I got the angles, but I couldn't hit for the life of me for whatever reason. Lol. It was embarrassing really, but whatever. It was fun. He invited me to his with a couple of his friends (who later became my friends too), That night though I drank a LOT. I was offered weed and took it stupidly. I was offered a bunch of cigarettes and took them all stupidly (I had never smoked before that). Then I went inside and drank some more. We were having such a fun time. Someone walked in, and he was inroduced as D I'll call him. Immediately I remembered him vaguely coming in to my work with Dr one time. He seemed funny..

Time for a nap! Will be back tmorrow probably!

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