Jan 31, 2013
So this is the longest, and hardest part. I will be 21 in August, and this has been going on since I was 18. It's probably the thing that has helped me the most to get to WHO I am today, but it has also been the worst. If you're judgemental, I'm sure there's things you've done too, and you're not perfect, but I suggest you don't even read this one (if there's anybody out there as it is). I do regret what I had to go through to learn these lessons, but if that was the only way to learn then so be it.
So because of all of the weed, alcohol and stuff, I was feeling confident. I was over my ex basically, but needed that palate cleanser. I was originally going to have it be Dr even if the friendship got weird, but I didn't think it would anyways. Anyways.....
D seemed funny. I remember at the end of the night, Dr asked if it was okay with me if D drove me home (as he was going to get laid, obviously). I told him yes, and gave him a hug goodbye (apparently... I had blacked out by now). From now on, the rest of this paragraph will be "apparently" as I have no recollection of it. D helped me down the stairs withhis arm around my waist because I was so drunk. He helped me into the car. He asked me where I lived, and I told him I'd just give him directions because I lived out in the middle of nowhereland. We were down at the end of my road (since he was turning around), and I had lost my phone. I asked to use his phone to call mine, and he said yes. I found it, and it was wedged in the most inconvenient spot. I got it out, and he asked if I was okay enough to walk to my door. I said I would probably just sit at the end of the road to get fresh air. He said that he would just stay and I could sit in the car to sober up. I'm still unclear of the details, but I think I laid my head on his shoulder. We both then mutually kissed. It started getting heavier and he asked if I was on the pill. I told him I wasn't because I had just stopped my last brand because it made me sick. He kept me in the back seat while I kissed his neck, etc. We apparently drove around forever trying to find a place that was open. We finally found a place, he ran in and got condoms and a c**k ring. We went to a dead end and he came in the back seat. We started hooking up. I kept telling him (This is not *insert place I worked*appropriate! You're a customer!" He said it was funny, but I was embarrassed to find that out. He let out his member and, being drunk, young, and inexperienced I said (thought in my head?? I can't remember if he told me this or if it was one flash that I remember) "Holy s**t! How is all of that going to fit in me?!" We started going at it. He asked if he could enter my behind, I drunkenly said yes. He got a new one and went back to normal sex until he I finished him. Then he brought me home.
This is where the "apparently" stops. I woke up in the morning and I hurt everywhere. My neck hurt, my legs hurt, my girl downstairs sort of did, and my behind KILLED. I had NO idea what had happened (as the flashes weren't coming yet), and I FREAKED out when I went to the bathroom, wiped and there was a bit of blood. I plugged my phone in to charge so I could thank Dr for having me over since it was dead. I had a massive hangover. After my phone turned on, I had 3 texts. One from my mom saying something along the lines of me being drunk and laughing at me and my hangover, one from L, and one from a random number. The random number text asked if I was dead. I started freaking out thinking there was a killer and they got my number and now they were going to kill me. I sent back "no, who is this?" and got a "You don't remember?" I told them no, and they replied "it's D" (I didn't know who that was then though because when they introduced me to D, they referred to him by his nickname). I pretended to know who he was and just said "ohh okay"or something like that I believe. He then asked what I was doing tomorrow night, and I told him I wasn't doing anything. He told me to come hang out after work. I said okay (I really wanted to know who this person was). So Dr came to pick me up from work and drive me over to where they were. He seemed so irritated with me and finally asked what the hell I was doing. I was so confused and asked him what he meant. He said that D was married and I shouldn't be "with" him. I had NO idea. I didn't remember seeing a ring, and Dr told me that he keeps it off most of the time. He told me that D could screw anyone else over, but he didn't want that person to be me. I started crying. I felt so guilty and ashamed and the fact I was supposed to use someone instead of being used backfired (I think that was my main thing). I told Dr to let me out so I could bus/walk home. He told me no. He asked what we did, and I told him nothing. I still feel bad to this day for it, but I didn't want him mad because I didn't know what he would do if he found out. He told me the things D was saying (sexually) about me made him mad. I asked why and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I later found out that he was saying he needed to see me, and his friends were saying "You were a born again virgin until you met her!" He drove me home, he said he hoped I was okay, walked me to the door and gave me a hug goodbye. I was getting texts from D asking where I was, when I would be there, etc. I ignored them all. He called me and I let it go to voicemail. Dr called me later and we talked for a bit to make sure I was okay. We hung up. A couple hours later I got a text from Dr's phone saying to call D when I got the chance because he wanted to talk to me (from D, not Dr). I asked who the hell this D person was. He responded (from his phone) the guy you hooked up with the other night. I ignored that one too.
I ignored his texts for a couple of days. F**k he was persistent. I finally got annoyed with him and said we would find a day and place to meet to talk. I didn't want him coming over again. I wanted him to forget where I lived, but our schedules just wouldn't match up. We ended up talking on the phone. He said he wasn't a swinger, and things hadn't always been bad at home, but they were really bad, and he was thinking of leaving, but he couldn't financially do it. He asked me what I wanted to do. He said that we could just chat and see where it goes from there, we could just hook up with no strings attached or it could just be an occasioinal release for both of us. I told him I just wanted to talk (AKA be friends). He said okay. He laughed that I thought his real name was his nickname and how young I thought he was (he turned out being 11 years older than me).
So we just talked. We were hanging out quite a bit, I would occasionally see/talk to Dr (things were weird since the whole car ride home). D would pay for drinks and bring me home. Of course it started one night when I was drunk again and we hooked up. And from then it just kept happening. Every time after I felt bad and guilty and gross and used, but having attention from someone finally was great. Not only that, but the sex was good. I kept my emotions out of it though. I would have fun and chat with him when we weren't hooking up, but when it came to that, I completely removed myself from the situation. He was just an object to me.
Wow... I've written a lot. And that's just the beginning! I'll be back tomorrow.