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i find myself sinking lower and lower

Feb 01, 2013 - 1 comments
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chiari malformation

,

Depression



i know its common when you have any disease (especially an uncommon/rare one) to become depressed. and ive battled depression my whole life. seen my mother battle it since i was a baby. but i am seriously scareing myself right now. i have never been this depressed. i go to school at a job corps center in devens, ma. so i live there and go home on the weekends. i literatlly dont even trust myself to go home. because im terrified i am so down, and want to escape my life, the pain, everything SO bad, that ill do something or try something stupid. ive even let a staff member (who i trust and talk to regularly. she is the only one who even semi understands what im going through) know whats going on. because im even afraid to be alone right now. its because, i cant do things by myself, i get reprimanded by my dorm supervisor for asking for help (she wants me to be independant), my best friend just finished so im alone now, im always sick or tired, everything just seems to be raceing downhill. i try to look on the bright side but i cant right now. sometimes i think that being dead would be better than being in this much pain every single day.  

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200220_tn?1361955154
by Applecore, Feb 01, 2013
I just happened to be browsing through the journal entries and read your post.  Please don't think that there is no hope.  Life has its downs and you are in one now.   Things change sometimes overnight.  My mom also suffered from depression and she used to tell me "it could be today that it will lift"  She lived to be 93 and enjoyed the things in life even though she went through a serious depression illness.  You see things come to go.  You are adequate - God made you that way.  My mom also would tell me "keep on keeping on"   I am telling you the same thing.  I know you don't know me but I have had depression and at times fight it now.  Have you ever had your thyroid checked.  It has been the major factor in my battle against depression.  I have had serious thyroid problems and it seemed at times that it would never end but it did.  You are a strong person.  I have found that when I don't feel good I take care of myself and do things that make me happy.  The biggest thing is to try not to worry.  I don't know if you have a faith in God but if you can seek Him and He will help you.  He actually loves you and is helping you even if you don't know it.  Ask Him to give you strength and courage.  He is a friend that will never leave you.  He is always there.  I have found this to be true.  My mom used to say when you are upset "get up and do something"  Organize something, read a book, take a walk.  Something to push your mind on other things.  If you can do something for someone else.  Talk to God.    Keep on writing to people on this forum.  I don't know which one this is.  I usually write to the Thyroid forum but from what I have read on others, everyone is helpful and will try to help.  Remember keep on keeping on.  Don't ever give up.  We and God never give up on you.  Hope this helps a little

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