Feb 01, 2013
my life is ****..
so much has gone wrong in the last 9 years of my life. alcoholism, i would drink at night after the kids were asleep then go to sleep myself. i drank at work one day
with help of peer pressure, and i left and wrecked my car and got a dui..then came addiction to pain medication. really the only reason i quit drinking is because i
substituted it with the pain pills. when i started taking them it gave me the energy and happiness i wanted to feel that was absent in my life. I'm not really sure
where this sadness came from really. i don't know why i felt like that, depression maybe. I liked the way the pain pills made me feel. i had so much energy to play
with my kids. i was happy. I know it was fake happiness but it was happiness none the less. i did better at work and at home. cleaned more, was finally capable
of getting everything taken care of. i didn't take many at first. i would take only a half in the morning and a half in the late afternoon. as my tolerance level grew
for them i took more. i was still working and stayed focused. after i got up to eight a day is when i started being late for work and spent most of my time just
making sure i had enough for the next day. i lost my job. because i didn't have money i had no choice but to stop taking the amount i was taking. i would be lucky
to get one a day. i got another job and started taking them more often but i didn't ever go overboard like i used to. i only took 3-4 a day maybe five if i had enough
money after i took care of bills and anything the kids needed. while i was on break at work one day i realized i only had one left so i went to town to get me some
more. after i got 3 i got pulled over. i took all 3 before the police came to my window. he told me i had a warrant because i had forgotten to report to my probation.
i was and still am on probation for the dui i got a few years back. i went to jail. i was incarcerated for 11 days. when i got out i didnt have much of a desire to take
any pain pills. i was sober for 9 days after i got out of jail. on that 9th day i had a dentist apointment and they prescribed me pain medication for my four wisdom
teeth that all had cavities and were killing me. i didn't take anymore a day than i was prescribed. ever since then ive been taking them only 3 or 4 a day tops.
there's has been several times i have attempted to quit on my own. the withdrawels are horrible and unbearable. i would last just a few days before i would give in
to the desire to just feel normal again. i take just a little just to make the withdrawels stop so i can function. my kids live with their dad now not because of the
pills but becasue i was facing jail time. my current boyfriend paid to keep me out of jail. my kids father doeant want the kids to come back with me until i get
through with my withdrawels. i still see them on the weekend and because i i dont want them to see me hurting so bad i make sure i have a few for the weekend
to keep away the withdrawals so me and my kids can have a good time together. i know that it is a neverending cycle. i need to get clean. i want to be with my kids.
they are my reson for living , my life. now that they dont stay with me fulltime i feel crazy and alone. noone can comfort me. when i start feeling hopeless i go right
back to the pills so i can be happy. im tired of this. im tired of not feeling happy. im not going to say i want my life back but i want a new life. one where i can be
with and there for my kids. i dont know if ill ever feel real happiness again but i want to try....i want to get my license back. i want to be NORMAL....i wonder if
thats even possible for me...