Feb 02, 2013
This week is unreal. One minute I'm up and think I'll be okay and the next I'm down. I feel so sick and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want these feelings to just stop already. I feel constantly physically ill. My stomach has issues but it's nothing like the issues everyone was saying I would have. It's like my usual problems x10!
I just want to die right now. I genuinely feel that way. I would rather be dead than feel the way I feel right now. It was so bad earlier that I actually searched online for a little bit on where I could find Vicodin without a prescription.
I'm starting to feel hopeless again because I've gotten this long list of psychiatrists from my insurance and each one that has expertise with what I'm going through seems to throw some sort of obstacle. The phone number is wrong or disconnected. They are only available on Saturdays and Friday nights (wth?). They only visit people in convalescent homes or behavioral health hospitals. I even called one where they CLOSED EARLY that day. The day I choose to call of COURSE they decide to close shop early that day. That would happen.
I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I feel like throwing up when I get up and try to move around. I feel like crying nonstop...but I think that's just from frustration because I'm so tired of this life. I'm tired of this life and it's not getting any better and no one is helping me. I feel like each and every person in my life is an enabler and most of them I absolutely can't get rid of because I'd be living on the streets.
I don't know what to do from here.