All Journal Entries Journals

Why?? I dont want to exist anymore....just let me rot away and die.....

Feb 05, 2013 - 4 comments

I dont knnow why i feel so bad. I dont have any MAJOR problems and i try to create some to suit my emotions. Well at least thats what i think i do.....i hope not though.....i am just guessing....
But anyway, i am sure i have anxiety, but then i just keep thinking what if others think i am fussing over nothing, and think less of me everytime. The last thing i want is for people to have a low opinion of me.
I feel like i have all these problems, which are not like for example, being abused, however  i feel like a complete idiot. I do really just want to die.
I mean whats the point of living a life, where you cannot even decide on why you wake up every morning. When you go to school everyday, and always tell yourself "i know nothing, and i cannot do this work".  Why cant i just quit school, then kill myself. This may sound exaggerated to others, but to me all my thoughts and the struggles i have at school, and with no one to talk to at all (family-wise.), having no dad, and with no REAL joy in life, and no REAL aim or direction, what is the real point. I knwo i should be thankful for all i do have and not what i dont, but i just wish i had a direction to head in, something to look forward to everyday. But no, i wake up in the morning feeling okay, then arrive at school and it hits me.
If i have problems like wanting attention from others, then i would like to die, if i could. Honestly i would feel so guilty.....
All this time i have assumed that i had depression, but now i keep on thinking, what if i am making it all up. Why do i feel so bad?? What is wrong with me???

Comments
Post a Comment
3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Feb 05, 2013
Honey, I'm so sorry that you're feeling low, it happens to all of us, and i'm not saying that you're not at the lowest of lows right now, but please , you came to this earth to fulfill a promise to yourself, that you made before you came here, and right now that seems to be to get in control of your anxiety and maybe depression. You must try to do the things that we all must, to be happy in this life. The happiness comes from challenging ourselves.Listen girl, "A person has solved more than half the problem when they identify it." So, if you need a bit of extra work, extra time on homework / maybe talk to the teacher's about extra help / or tutoring in any give subject concerning your education, do that. If you are lacking career direction, you walk right up to the office and you request an appointment with the Guidance Counselor. There is a process, a set of questions that are given to you, to show you what types of career paths might be good for you, and what you should be shooting for to get into college, and become a professional (intermediate level) in your chosen field. So, I know you have a German Sheppard, maybe with some guidance you'll find that you may want to become a VETERINARY Physician or Assistant? Maybe becoming the Physician is too hard and too much work, maybe though you can become an Assistant? You'll be able to work on a farm, if you choose to live in a rural area, or work with pets in a city, or you might take in injured wildlife at your home or office. you could work in a zoo, you might not believe in zoos. I personally don't believe that Whales and ocean wildlife should be put into small cages, or many other animals. That's called values. And you'll find your own. Hold on to them when you do. They're part of you.  You see? It takes work to find your direction. It takes being bold enough to say "I Matter, My Direction In Life Matters To Me, Yeah, Me!!!!!!"

Sometimes parents leave out talking about these important issues with their teenagers, and that's really sad :( but not only is it sad, it might be that you and your mom have a problem communicating, not because of you, but because of her. (maybe a bit of both). Communication can be worked on. That could be one of your short term goals right?


My mom never broached the subject, my dad was missing too (his alter ego came and abused us every couple of days though :(..........) Life for me, and for you... could be worse like so many in war torn countries, and those who suffer from poverty, even in this country (and listen, I'm not saying that you've got no reason to be angry, you do) .... but we really really need to learn most times, to be grateful, in this life, at this moment. Do you or have you ever gone to church or considered choosing your own religion? Spirituality is so important honey. If you research the Native Culture, you'll find that their spirituality comes from being thankful for this beautiful beautiful planet (that you can go and travel to when your a few years older, so Yeah, You, you get to travel, where do you want to go? Put that on your Long Term Goal page..

When our thoughts turn dark sweetie, we All need/needed to learn to flip the switch and focus on better things, and challenges that we can be proud of mastering, like school, for you.....ask for help from the guidance counselor, that's what they are there for, right? you won't be asking for something more than they were trained to do. You can tell them, "I'm angry and I'm depressed, and nobody in my home has ever talked to me about career direction, and post secondary school' CURRICULUM. (I'm capitalizing the words I had to look up so far lol). I'm sure that they'll be sympathetic. If you have a problem with people being sympathetic to your situation, say that, "It's hard for me to ask for help........" Just be open and communicate. God helps those who help themselves. This is your path to figure out. Everyone has similar paths, really, at least here in North America). If you have a problem with communicating, or your anxious, maybe it's because your not exposed enough to the general public? Maybe you don't go out a lot with your mother, shopping and lunch and what not...again, that's sad :(  The thing is this, this may or may not be happening, but you may not be getting to learn from your parent what you should, and that makes you sad and mad at the same time) We all come from the same heaven dear, and the friends that you make in your life are as important as your relationships with family members, if not more because you get to choose your friends that you find funny, or warm or caring) It's not always easy making good friends. I hope you have one or two or three, but it's not easy right now because of your age. You're not free maybe to make plans to jump on a bus and go to the Art Gallery, or the Zoo, or the Beach, or Shopping, or to a part time job, or to go volunteering (homeless, animal shelter, old folks home). but that's what you need to be looking forward to, all of those things are a blast with a good friend, even alone , it's better than not going.......... A person didn't have to volunteer in high school like they do now. The want you to do that to get out and learn how to make your way in society. So, do that kind of thing yourself. Personally, I worked when i wasn't very much older than you. I worked in a clothing store, selling jeans, and also an old folks home (before they told me to clean up poopy, which for me was just too much to expect at that age). When you go out in society more, you get to look around and get your bearings and that's how you find your own direction, sometimes. Even at the doctor's office, look at the people and ask yourself, Does this look like where I want to end up working? By the way, you can choose to change your career path whenever it suits you.

Maybe you are missing heaven a little bit? Where you came from honey? and that's why you're thinking about going back? because you are anxious about what's next with no real help on the horizon so far? Change that honey, and talk to your Guidance Counselor. Give them a chance to do their job, their career path.

Listen, I don't know if you can get up enough scratch to pick up a paper back, at the bookstore, maybe a library will have this book, you'd have to ask. But I see that you're searching for your own spirituality and there's a book i'd like to suggest to you that costs less than $20.00.  Maybe your mom will give you the money, since you're not working, Yet. You can tell her you'll pay her back, but it's important for you right now to read this book. Anyways, for anyone suffering from lack of direction, Please read Sylvia Brown's New York Times Bestseller, called Life On The Other Side : A Psychic's Tour Of The Afterlife. It will give you a sense of direction in your life, it will give you an idea, of why you're here on this planet. Trust me girl, it's very powerful stuff. I promise. I also promise that there are many many adults that are going to be more than happy to help you find direction, if you reach out. Your short term goal, is to find your spirituality, and do better at school, and check out your community, and communicate better, and your long term goal is to find a career and post secondary institution (you deserve a post secondary education girl) that you're going to L O V E .

Self Help Yourself honey, Try not to despair, I've talked to so many adults that remember an adult , (not their parents more time than not) that turned them on to Progress. That's the circle of life, and why we're here, to impact other's lives. You're already impacting my life. I've read your latest journal too. You're an incredibly insightful writer, for instance. So while communications may be a field that you excel in when you're writing, you may not have been taught how to reach out to others and become involved in this life in a meaningful way. But I'm for one, willing to work with you, and that has to say something about perfect strangers living in love, loving their neighbours. Honestly, re read this, and buy the book i've suggested, I can hardly wait until we talk about what you think of it, and how you express yourself.

Your friend, Liz from Burlington Ontario Brrrrrr it's cold out here......


3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Feb 05, 2013
All this time i have assumed that i had depression, but now i keep on thinking, what if i am making it all up. Why do i feel so bad?? What is wrong with me???
I feel like i have all these problems, which are not like for example, being abused, however  i feel like a complete idiot. I do really just want to die.

I'm so sorry baby girl that you feel this way. If you are considering ending your life, if you can't manage the strength to get up and start changing your life, you go to your doctor and you tell them "I'm seriously thinking about suicide." If it gets really bad, you call 911 and you go to the hospital and speak to them about it. You're not the first who has, and you won't be the last. Life is hard. It's not easy, no matter what your television sitcoms say. But, with work it does become easier, and long term happiness is very attainable, for you too. You can be depressed, and you can handle your depression and you can become a happy person.

If you choose to go to the hospital, A Psychiatric Unit in the hospital will couple you with a Psychiatrist.  Unfortunately the only thing that they do is give out medication. Anyone I know, benefits greatly from the things that are suggest you DO for depression and anxiety, OTHER than medication. I'm not saying that there aren't some on medication, i'm saying that for many it's not necessary to have the designation of a mental illness, and problems in adolescence are usually because kid's are missing an adult to help them find their self worth and their direction in life, it's a big problem for many many kids, in your school, that sit beside you and you would never think that they are grappling with the age old dilemma "To be or not to be". Everyone of us needs help to succeed in this life, you included honey.

So listen, before you do anything else, why not pick up that book and talk to me about what you think about it? All kids like hearing about ghost stories , right? Plus, your mom might want to read one of Sylvia Browne's books herself, she may have always wanted to pick up one of her books, but just never have taken the time, so first step: ask mom to bring you to pick up

Life On The Other Side, A Psychic's Tour Of The AfterLife.

3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Feb 05, 2013
All this time i have assumed that i had depression, but now i keep on thinking, what if i am making it all up. Why do i feel so bad?? What is wrong with me???
I feel like i have all these problems, which are not like for example, being abused, however  i feel like a complete idiot. I do really just want to die.

I'm so sorry baby girl that you feel this way. If you are considering ending your life, if you can't manage the strength to get up and start changing your life, you go to your doctor and you tell them "I'm seriously thinking about suicide." If it gets really bad, you call 911 and you go to the hospital and speak to them about it. You're not the first who has, and you won't be the last. Life is hard. It's not easy, no matter what your television sitcoms say. But, with work it does become easier, and long term happiness is very attainable, for you too. You can be depressed, and you can handle your depression and you can become a happy person.

If you choose to go to the hospital, A Psychiatric Unit in the hospital will couple you with a Psychiatrist.  Unfortunately the only thing that they do is give out medication. Anyone I know, benefits greatly from the things that are suggest you DO for depression and anxiety, OTHER than medication. I'm not saying that there aren't some on medication, i'm saying that for many it's not necessary to have the designation of a mental illness, and problems in adolescence are usually because kid's are missing an adult to help them find their self worth and their direction in life, it's a big problem for many many kids, in your school, that sit beside you and you would never think that they are grappling with the age old dilemma "To be or not to be". Everyone of us needs help to succeed in this life, you included honey.

So listen, before you do anything else, why not pick up that book and talk to me about what you think about it? All kids like hearing about ghost stories , right? Plus, your mom might want to read one of Sylvia Browne's books herself, she may have always wanted to pick up one of her books, but just never have taken the time, so first step: ask mom to bring you to pick up

Life On The Other Side, A Psychic's Tour Of The AfterLife.

4059843_tn?1396170837
by mishymoshymarcy, Feb 06, 2013
I thank you again for everything. I am sorry for all the short messages. And i would reply to you in a bigger one if i could, but my computer has decided not to turn on, and it is a little difficult to type on thsi phone. I will get back to you properly as soon as i can get on my computer. I promise.

Post a Comment