Feb 07, 2013
Today I'm hopeful that I can tapering down to 5.5 or 5 Norcos/day on Sunday. I am hopeful because my body is starting to catch up to the smaller doses. So my withdrawals are much less severe. All that Suboxone must be out of my system by now. I'm finally eating again. Sleeping, eh - not so much. But whatever. Anxiety is still through the roof, but I probably get myself more riled up than I should about things. ******* panic attacks. The cravings are there, but the thought of going back on my taper - cheating on it in the slightest - makes me feel BEYOND GUILTY. So... even though my husband accidentally gave me one extra pill yesterday (he was just out of it from work), I didn't take it. That has to stand for something. I don't want to go back, but I'm terrified of moving forward.
I also feel like a failure because I'm not going the speed of others on this forum and I can't do Cold Turkey. When I see my Orthopedic Surgeon, he tells me to take pain pills (on top of the RX Advil) to push through physical therapy. I haven't told him that I'm physically dependent, only my General Practitioner knows that. Today I couldn't ride the bike and it was really discouraging. I really thought I'd be able to today. I was looking forward to it. I jokingly told my physical therapist "maybe I should just remove my kneecap" and to that she said, "It actually might be an option" [heart sinks into stomach] I can't let this happen. I have to get this ******* knee to work again. I have to. I wish I could just suck it up and QUIT the Norco. But I know how I am when I do that... I cannot.... Simply, CANNOT, get out of the house. For weeks. That would entail missing at least 6 PT sessions. Is it worth it? To just QUIT, go cold turkey, and miss out of those sessions? I don't think that's smart.
Then I start to tell myself it's OK that I'm still at 6 Norco/day because it's getting me through my PT and out of the house... which is essential to my healing, physically and mentally. But I'm also scared this will become an excuse for me to prolong my taper. I want OFF these pills. I wish I had more courage. I wish I had more strength. Why can everyone else do it faster... people that are in more pain than me most likely, and I can't? Do I not want it enough? Am I just fooling myself?
Next week, I want my journal entry to be more positive. I want my knee to throw me a bone. I want to feel like there's a happy ending to this story. And I want to be more confident than ever that I WILL EVENTUALLY QUIT these meds and that I'll be able to exercise again someday. I want to know I'm beating my addiction and my injury. I would just love to see a glimmer of light after having such dark thoughts and feelings month after month. Year after year.
Only time will tell... fingers crossed.