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Day 9 Tapering: Feel like a Failure

Feb 07, 2013 - 2 comments
Tags:

taper

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norco

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failure

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scared

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Anxiety

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Pain

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excuses

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Addiction

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loser



Today I'm hopeful that I can tapering down to 5.5 or 5 Norcos/day on Sunday. I am hopeful because my body is starting to catch up to the smaller doses. So my withdrawals are much less severe. All that Suboxone must be out of my system by now. I'm finally eating again. Sleeping, eh - not so much. But whatever. Anxiety is still through the roof, but I probably get myself more riled up than I should about things. ******* panic attacks. The cravings are there, but the thought of going back on my taper - cheating on it in the slightest - makes me feel BEYOND GUILTY. So... even though my husband accidentally gave me one extra pill yesterday (he was just out of it from work), I didn't take it. That has to stand for something. I don't want to go back, but I'm terrified of moving forward.  

I also feel like a failure because I'm not going the speed of others on this forum and I can't do Cold Turkey. When I see my Orthopedic Surgeon, he tells me to take pain pills (on top of the RX Advil) to push through physical therapy. I haven't told him that I'm physically dependent, only my General Practitioner knows that. Today I couldn't ride the bike and it was really discouraging. I really thought I'd be able to today. I was looking forward to it. I jokingly told my physical therapist "maybe I should just remove my kneecap" and to that she said, "It actually might be an option" [heart sinks into stomach] I can't let this happen. I have to get this ******* knee to work again. I have to.  I wish I could just suck it up and QUIT the Norco. But I know how I am when I do that... I cannot.... Simply, CANNOT, get out of the house. For weeks. That would entail missing at least 6 PT sessions. Is it worth it? To just QUIT, go cold turkey, and miss out of those sessions? I don't think that's smart.

Then I start to tell myself it's OK that I'm still at 6 Norco/day because it's getting me through my PT and out of the house... which is essential to my healing, physically and mentally. But I'm also scared this will become an excuse for me to prolong my taper. I want OFF these pills. I wish I had more courage. I wish I had more strength. Why can everyone else do it faster... people that are in more pain than me most likely, and I can't? Do I not want it enough? Am I just fooling myself?  

Next week, I want my journal entry to be more positive. I want my knee to throw me a bone. I want to feel like there's a happy ending to this story. And I want to be more confident than ever that I WILL EVENTUALLY QUIT these meds and that I'll be able to exercise again someday. I want to know I'm beating my addiction and my injury. I would just love to see a glimmer of light after having such dark thoughts and feelings month after month. Year after year.  

Only time will tell... fingers crossed.

  

Comments
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by Pat1956100, Feb 07, 2013
Hey, you are doing a great job tapering.  The only reason most of us don't taper is because we can't.  We plan on it but if we have pills we take them.  Please don't get discouraged because it takes great strength to taper
Think about how far you have come and not how far you have to go.
If you aren't ready to decrease on Sunday, wait until Monday.  The idea is to feel comfortable and if you are having panic attacks maybe you aren't ready for another drop.  
As you have been told this isn't a race.  The slower the better and in order for it to work you can't be feeling badly during your whole taper.  That is why people end up caving.  They try and rush it and then feel too sick the whole time and have to give in.
I think you are doing really well.  
Don't worry about others getting clean.  You are doing it right.  We just can't do it because we run out of pills.

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by Miss_Creative, Feb 07, 2013
Thanks Pat! I have images of people throwing out bottles of pills down the toilet - and I think, man, I could never do that... I appreciate your encouragement. It's really good to hear I'm going about this OK. I'm so thankful I gave my pills over - I'm glad they are out of my control. I hope my doctor will continue to understand my need to taper - and not rush me. I'm also scared he's going to push Suboxone on me again. I WON'T DO IT. Anyway, thank you so much again - that was sweet for you to take the time to read my entry and respond :) I can't wait till I can say I've been clean for some time like you all! That will be an amazing day...

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