Feb 08, 2013
I'm really suffering more and more every day. I cry uncontrollably every single day. I am struggling to make it day to day. Last night, I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. I've always been a very bubbly, happy, outgoing kind of person and it amazes me how ONE person can make another feel such worthlessness, loneliness and sadness. I've gotten to the point that I wake up and move from the bed to the couch and do absolutely nothing all day except cry. After last night, and the embarrassment and horror at what I was thinking, I called my family doctor this morning and a psychiatrist. I can't get in to see my regular doctor until Tues and that 4 and a half days away. I don't know if I can stay strong enough til then to make it through. I can't concentrate, hold a conversation, have no interest in doing anything, seeing anybody, cooking, cleaning, mothering...this is not normal for me. My whole life, all I've wanted is to be loved, wanted, appreciated, to be a mother, to have a family, to mean something to someone. I feel like I've never had anyone in my life who has felt I wasn't disposable, who needed me, who loved me unconditionally. I feel guilty for not being the best mother I can be right now, for giving in to these feelings of inadequacies and self loathing. I feel ashamed to feel this way. I feel like if I disappeared off the face of this earth, no one would really notice or care. Maybe they'd be relieved. All of these emotions are so intense and I can't control them. My boyfriend, the only man I've ever truly loved and gave all of myself to, tells me weekly now that he doesn't love me. He disappears all night long. He cheats on me. He lies to me. He's not been physically abusive since last spring, but the emotional abuse, I believe, is a lot worse than the physical stuff. I don't know how to stand up to him, stand up for myself, and say he can't treat me this way and kick him out. I am so scared to stay with him and so heartbroken at the thought of not having him, too. Does this make sense? All of my feelings contradict. My mind knows what's right and what's wrong, but my heart....I never knew heartbreak could literally, physically hurt so much. It's unbearable. Then, everyone tells me I'd be better off without him; that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for; that I shouldn't feel this way; that there are people out there worse off than I am...so what? How can you compare one person's misery and what they're capable of withstanding to another's? That's like sayin', "don't be happy bc someone else out there may have it better than you." Some days, I eat constantly to fill some sort of void inside me and other days, I don't eat at all. Some days, or weeks, I sleep all the time and other days, weeks, I don't sleep at all. My fears have increased to the point of debilitating: fear of water, the dark, of heights, of getting hurt, of someone breaking into my house while I'm by myself. My OCD of cleanliness has gone from one extreme to the other, where I just don't care..don't have the desire to clean the house, to brush my hair, to wear make-up, to go out anywhere. When I'm by myself, even during the day, I hear noises that, in all reality, are probably just the normal settling of the house noises, but they're so loud and intensified when I'm alone, that I freeze with fear and can't move, speak, go check it out, call someone...nothing. My mind goes blank and all I can focus on is where the noise is coming from and how long I have before someone pops out..how long before I'm dead. My emotions, my fears, my worries, doubts, insecurities...all of these things are so much more intensified and that, in itself, scares the hell out of me. I am totally at the end of my proverbial rope and I don't know what to do next. I feel extremely overweight, ugly, worthless, useless, ashamed, embarrassed, pushed aside, ostracized, criticized, judged, overwhelmed, heartbroken, sad, scared, feeble and tired. I want all of this to go away so I can be normal again, smile and laugh and joke again, feel blessed and loved and respected...how do I get there?