Feb 08, 2013
I've been wanting to journal about my feelings for a while now, but I just can't ever seem to find the words. I think about what I'm feeling, and know what I want to say, but when it comes to it, I just don't know.
I'm very conflicted with many things right now, and I just don't know what way to turn. Since Christmas I've been down, very down, and nothing or no one can help that. I feel very out of control with everything and it's driving me crazy. I'm a control freak, and have OCD and so when things do not go a certain way I have major anxiety.
I had a job that I loved, and I took that job because even though it was only a contract job for 6-months, I was told it was 'more than likely' going to become permanent (As the case with most jobs here). I found out in November that it wasn't going to be permanent, and I've been searching for another one ever since. My contract finished 3 weeks ago, and here I am still unemployed. I know it's the case world wide at the minute but it's horrible. I have excellent high school grades, a college diploma and a degree and tonnes of experience in various roles and it's just so difficult to get anything.
I've always wanted to be a teacher, but I cannot be one until I do my final post-grad qualification.
I cannot afford to gain that qualification until I find another job.
We had started planning our wedding, but can't book anything for definite until I find another job.
Last year, we moved out of the horrible, cold flat we had and decided to move back in with my mum until we found something we liked and could save up more money - a year on and we're STILL here.
It's been a year since the miscarriage, and we still don't have a baby.
I just feel like everything I/we want out of life and so far out of reach that there's not much point in even aiming to get any of it any more because we're just going to be more and more let down.
It's not fair to bring a baby into the equation right now with everything the way it is and that kills me.
Truth be told, I'm not even anywhere near over the miscarriage last year to probably be in the right frame of mind for another pregnancy. Like I've already mentioned, the past month or so I've been really, really down. My poor DF just doesn't know what to do with me. He's so upset seeing me the way I am and he said he just feels helpless and can't bare it. He says I need help, I need to speak to someone because this just isn't normal.
Don't get me wrong, there are some days when I am okay but to be honest, they're very few and far between. I think not being able to work, or get things going with other plans the way I want to is making it all that more worse. He said I need to stop thinking about needing a baby so much because it's taking over my life.
I just feel so alone. None of my friends want kids right now, in fact, most of them aren't even considering anything like that for a good few years so they don't understand. They also don't understand the pain of miscarriage. They say 'don't worry, it's just not meant to be' or 'it just wasn't the right time' but that's just empty words to me. I feel myself getting angry when I'm told things like that because they just don't understand at all. I feel like no one does.
Recently I've been so close to just going to the doctor and going back on the Pill and re-visiting TTC in a few years. Maybe that'll help? Maybe by then it will be easier? Who knows. All I know is that from a very young ago all I ever wanted to do was be a mum. To have that baby grow inside of me, to feel it's kicks and watch it grow. To hold it in my arms and nourish it and care for it for the rest of it's life. To build a happy home and family. I don't care about a high-flying career, lots of money or a big fancy house. I don't need that - to me that's just an empty life.
Yet, I cannot seem to get what I crave so much and it's the most frustrating thing I have ever felt.
Last night DF and I talked - for over 4 hours about everything. Well, he spoke mostly and I sat crying. He said I need counselling, and I need to talk to someone and work through everything because it's not normal to have this defeatist attitude about my life and everything around me. He said I should be able to look at the positives and focus on those and the rest will come from that. But to be honest, like I told him, I don't see any positive in my life right now. There is not one thing I can say 'I'm happy about this' right now.
I feel so conflicted, though. Maybe I'm just feeling so down because I don't have a job right now either. Maybe once I'm back working and earning and we can start the ball rolling on the good things we want that I'll feel better. Or maybe I won't. I don't know.
Anyway, I apologise for all those ramblings. They make no sense and my words are all over the place - like my mind right now.
What I do know is that I need a break. A break from trying to get that baby I so desperately crave and a break from focussing my every thought on that. So, that also means a break from MH. Part of me doesn't want to take a break from here, because you're all so lovely and supportive and I feel like I can say anything and there will be at least one lady who (sadly) can relate to it. But there's also that other part where I feel like coming on here every day and seeing all those who struggled like me all this time, get what they deserve and I'm still sitting here at the back waiting. That's hard, really hard. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm unbelievably happy for those ladies, and I think the world of them, but by being so involved in MH each day, I think I'm only bringing myself down more and it's helping me focus on the negatives that are taking over my mind and so I think by eliminating that aspect, it will help me.
I'll also be contacting the doctor next week and look into seeing a counsellor. I'm not going to the doctor and asking for pills because I really do not believe they actually help most of the time - they just mask the problem and make you feel better. I want my issues dealt with properly, 'the natural way' in you will.
Who knows, maybe I'll feel worse by keeping away from MH, especially when seeing a counsellor, and I'll be back within a week! But I won't know until I try.
So for now it's goodbye on my dream of becoming a mummy, and goodbye to MH.
I will still be on Facebook and those of you who I have on Facebook, I will obviously still keep in contact with you via there. Right now, however, this is what I need to do.
I love you all!! <3