Mar 04, 2009
Exactly what the title says.
You know how when you feel depressed you question whether the tiny "good" moments are worth waiting for? Though I usually don't think they are, whether it's the chemicals in my brain or my true feelings from my heart, I think it's the good people that are worth waiting for. Moments are short lived, and maybe meeting someone is, too, but it can make a huge difference. I've been so fortunate to meet some of the people I know today. There are a lot of people I've met for a short time that I'll most likely never meet again, but it doesn't matter. I was extremely lucky to just be in their presence.
From the time I signed onto this website, I was pretty motivated. I haven't been successful in achieving happiness, but that's not the point. I am finding relief in being able to talk to people who actually know what I'm talking about - even when I don't even think I know what I'm talking about.
Being Bipolar or depressed ... anything that hurts because your mind is mean or frazzled, makes life extra hard. Life is already hard and with all this junk, people who haven't experienced it just look at you like you're crazy or hopeless. If you don't ask yourself things like, "Is it worth it?" or anything anyone else would normally think is gloomy, then I think something is wrong. We don't live in a utopia - we evolve because we ask questions. No one said they have to be good or bad. And besides, who has the authority to determine what question is an example of whatever???
Suicide is tricky. Since the majority of the world is Christian or Muslim (second largest practiced religion in the world - which is actually very similar to Christianity), preserving life is imperative. I don't know who, when, or why this was decided. No one can tell us how to live or how to die. It's not their business. They say it's because you're worth it, you have a place, people do love you, there is happiness and you just have to wait - but, they will never know what it feels like to be you. I don't believe in rewards and punishments in heaven or in hell. When you're dead, you're dead. If I die, according to the Bible, if you aren't a freaking saint, we're all going to hell. Even if these things exist, we shouldn't fear them. That's not living life, just like having a mental illness and only dealing with surviving it isn't living life. Life is learning and experiencing. It has good and bad. But it should never focus on avoiding the bad out of necessity.
My friend called the police because he thought I was dead. I've said that if anyone hospitalizes me, I'm going to hate them. I am not an angry person. For as much as I dislike a lot of people and things, I don't hold grudges and I keep my peace. I also know my place and I'm very respectful unless you disgrace someone I love (not breaking up with them, but physical abuse or something more serious and less petty). Alex always says that he's sorry we fought and I always tell him that we didn't fight. Fighting is when there is rarely a resolution or communication. What makes me angry are the people who dump animals into the wild and let them multiply and then ultimately die. There is no justice in doing that. If you can't take the responsibility for another living thing, there are so many people that will do it for you. And it's usually FREE. So why would you throw your cat or dog out just to be shot because it's looking for food?
Unwilling hospitalization is the only other thing that makes me angry. Yes, I am happy to know that someone cares if they think I'm going to kill myself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect the ones you love. However they aren't the ones to decide how you live or die. With me, if you hospitalize me, I've done it so much that I will be INSANELY joyful and play the game and I will get out quicker than it took to get me there (I WILL PUT UP A FIGHT). And when I do - I will chuck some very angry words at you.
I don't like people telling me what to do. I don't tell people what to do. If someone wants to kill themselves, I tell them if it's what they really want and they can't think of anything else, then I will miss them, I love them dearly, but I understand that they know what is best for them and I can't stop them even if I tried. Because if I tried, they would probably end up hating me. I am quite aware that this may sound cold-hearted, but it's my morale on basically everything. A very close friend of mine thought I would hate her because she tried pot. I laughed and told her I could never hate her, I think she's one of the only people in the world that is as close to perfection as you can get. She was so worried that I would judge her, but I told her that she can do what she wants. The only thing I had to say to her was that I hope she does it as safely as she can.
Sure, drugs in general are bad. But we're not perfect, we're going to fiddle with things here and there. But there are worse things you can do. I know it probably doesn't make sense to do something bad "as safely as possible" but I guess I'm trying to tell her and other friends that whatever they do, I hope that they do it responsibly. Responsible behavior means doing it with someone you trust if you don't know what will happen because you have never done it before. I never smoked weed until I was 19. Luckily I was never pressured into it. But my friend, Jon, asked me if I wanted to try it and I told him that I was uneasy because I didn't know how I would behave and whether whoever I was with would be able to take care of me. The reason being is because when Abby was in her "reckless" stage, she would booze and drug up and then run into traffic and other dangerous things. No one could physically control her except me. What made me upset is that her "best friend" said she would watch over her and she got drunk instead. This is when Abby started ruining my holidays. But I digress. I knew Jon would take care of me, and he did. Basically it felt like I was having a panic attack. And I figured why would I want to spend money on something stinky to have the same effects of a panic attack? There are other ways that are free to have fun.
Eventually I smoked again with another friend and I learned to control my paranoia and fear. We didn't do it often and I never went anywhere. I don't believe in transport when you're under the influence of ANYTHING, even if it's just a sip or whatever. It was a nice occasional thing. I haven't smoked in more than two years. I don't need it, but if it were offered to me, I may consider it. It's just not a big deal. I can't decide if I'm more apathetic or conventional.