Feb 11, 2013
Day 18....... Today was extermely difficult. Going back to work I thought would make me feel normal again. After 2 hrs I found my self frustrated and exhausted!!! I know its only a matter of time, however, I am an impatient person. I just want this all behind me! I keep thinking back to my good friend Ed that took his life coinsidently 1 yr to the day to my OD. I keep going over the conversations in my head of me telling him if he needed help I am here. Now....... I realize, no one can do it for you..... It is up to u to come clean and stay clean! When I look at the ones I have affected just from the lie I had been keeping let alone the use, I feel ashamed, and extremely regretfull. At times I have thought, what would have happened if I did find the gun in my blacked out state. My wife said I went into the closet fumbling about for something.... Prob just looking for the stash that was not there. Now that I am cohearant, I argue a lot I think out of confusion as to why since I'm better things can't just go back to the way they were... I realize there is hurt... I understand there is disappointment.... But I can't change what I have done. I can only make it better from here. Not only for me but for my kids! More importantly.... My wife!! I have known since the first time I saw her she was the one.. She has a glow like an angel. I feel the most ashamed because I lied to her. She has been the most significant person in my life. And I let her down. :-(
Hopefully the day will come where I am focused and my experience can be used to help someone else. To stay clean...... To stay focused.....