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Feb 12, 2013 - 9 comments

So here i am at would have been 11 months clean and i screwed it all up on New year's day and took pills to get high.  And yes i got high and i enjoyed it, but it was so not worth the guilt and shame that i felt after the fact.  I see so many people on here talking about how great they feel after recovery and i just do not feel like that at all.  I honestly believe i am not any better than i was a year ago, other than i am not in danger of OD.  But i seem to be not able to find happiness and all i have is sadness.  I am mad at life, and God, and that scares me.  But i am so thankful that god has blessed me with a great hubby and 2 great daughters, but why is it that i cant be happy???  Its always such an effort to get dressed and get motivated, all i want to do is hide and honestly get high.  I miss the feeling of not feeling.  Please do not give me **** for feeling like this, I am only speaking the truth and this is how i feel.  After i recovered around the 30-40 day mark i felt on top of the world and then all of a sudden the reality kicked in, the depression kicked in and then i felt like crap.  I am so sick and tired to force a smile, and fake happiness, as i am not happy one bit.  I question my severity of my depression, i know its bad, but not to the point that i want to end my life.  But believe me its not like that thought does not cross my mind from time to time.  I will be driving and get really dark thoughts saying i could just drive off the bridge or i can just crash, and then i think hell know i rather just take pills and OD!!!  OMG i cant even believe i just typed that, but its the truth.  I know i wouldn't do it, but i have to tell you the thought of it is quite scary and sometimes overwhelming.  I read on here that people are so happy after there sobriety and yet i never experienced that happiness.  If anything its so hard as all the things that i was running away from are now coming to the surface and i just cant face it.  I am sick and tired of fighting my past and dealing with all the trauma, i just want to feel happy and normal and grateful for what i have and i just do not.  I never had an understanding of depression and always felt like it was a choice and here i am in the depths of it and now know first hand this is not a choice, believe me if i could just smile and be happy i would just love that, but i unfortuanetly cant force my happiness.   I am so sick of the mental and physical pain that i endure on a day to day basis, call it weak minded but thats what i am.  I am so sick and tired of people telling me that i am "strong" i am the opposite of that, and thats a fact!! I hate that i come across to outsiders as this "tuff girl" and yet i am the furthest thing from that.  I am not sure why people perceive me as a strong individual and "feisty" as i am none of those things, i am the most insecure person you will ever meet and yet people think i am something i am not.  Anyhoo, i am just crying myself a river and feeling sorry for myself i guess, i just want to bounce out of this funk that i am in......

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by littlebit667, Feb 12, 2013
If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was "strong" I would be rich.  Insecure is my middle name.  But, truth be told we are all insecure...others hide it too or try to.  I truly did not feel "happier" til I had hit the 6th  month.  That is when I decided to quit my lexapro.  What I am wondering is if your trauma as a child has caused PTSD?  Dane, if that is the may need more meds to deal with it and more time.  A good friend has suffered with it for years and it was not until he got cancer did he address it.  He seems a lot happier now and this is a man who is dying from cancer.  It is only chemo keeping him alive.  Not happy, but happier than before.  I have wondered about driving off a cliff a time or two and get it.  Please keep sharing..I truly believe it helps.  

by Dane74, Feb 13, 2013
Hey girl, thanks for sharing.  Do you feel better without the lexapro?  I am wondering if the darn Zoloft is even helping, or causing more of my issues.  Yes, i have PTSD and it really ***** and it doesn't STOP and I'm freaking out about it.  I cant sleep, i toss and turn all night and i wake up with nightmares, it just stinks.  

by littlebit667, Feb 13, 2013
I have used lexapro off and on for several years.  I actually quit taking it while I deep into the pills.  I started up again via my Dr. at 20 mg. for a bit.  I decided to quit after 6 months to see how I was doing and felt like it had done it's job.  However, with PTSD you might want to stay on it longer.  I was on 10 mg prior.  What I like about is now generic not as pricey.  It works about 3-7 days via a month.  I personally had No side effects and when I quit, I quit.  I probably should have tapered, but never do with AD's.  I do not seem to have WD from stopping my AD's.  No clue why.  

Something I noticed with the opiates..I did not dream or at least I never remembered dreaming.  So when the dreams started back after I had been clean for was strange.  I do not dream nightly or often..but at least I am doing it sometimes.

by clean_in_ks, Feb 13, 2013
Hey heart goes out to you.....and glad you chose to get your feelings out

I've been pondering what I might share w/you since I first read your journal.  I'm just gonna throw out a few thoughts, in no particular order...

First, I'm not one of those that feels GREAT either at this point in my recovery so I can TOTALLY relate to feeling that way when you read how others ARE and you are chronic pain and lack of a healthy body so that I "could" do certain things just isn't "there" yet.  Getting off ALL my rx's plays a HUGE role in all this, too.  But, I'm not consistently "unhappy" or "depressed" comes and goes for me.  So, what I would consider and what YOU would consider would obviously be different.

I've been on 5 different AD's over the last 10 or so years.  I can tell you from my personal experience with them that the one that helped me the MOST was Lexapro.  It's a "fast acting" med, it gave me the fewest side effects, and I had NO w/drawals when I went off it (similar to littlebit's experience).  I felt the most relief from Lexapro.  With the constant feelings you are having, no sleeping, tossing and turning, depression, lack of joy or inspiration for daily living, etc. you may need to try it and see if it enables you to actually "feel" more motivated to then "try" some new things.  The most important thing I've learned very recently that I NEVER knew while taking an AD for over 10 yrs was the long term effects taking then can have on you and what they do to our brain chemistry.  Having said that, I'm not discouraging you from taking Lexapro, but letting you know going into it that you CAN take it for a short don't have to be on it LONG term. Being a research type of STILL amazes me that I never questioned or considered being on one for a short time and how absolutely ignorant I was about AD's.

I may be WAY off here, but for quite awhile I have sensed a lot of anger going on inside of you....hating being an addict, feeling like the "black sheep", struggling w/acceptance, etc.......and anger "turned inward" CAN create depression.   The progression of our feelings......I've been taught, can kinda go like this......first a "disappointment"......that becomes a "hurt".......then when our hurts are not dealt with in a healthy way.....they become "anger" and "resentment".  Then if we don't "deal" with the poison that those two emotions flood us with.....and we try to turn it "off" or "inward"......boom......major apathy and depression.  And if those aren't addressed (and tragedies from our past).... we.can snowball even further.
Soooo......even tho I know you may not be open to this right NOW.....gonna throw out a few suggestions besides the AD change.

Find and develop a "skin on" relationship with another woman who is a recovering addict.  Not your therapist, not an internet friendship, but a real live person you can talk to, have lunch with, get hugs from, b*tch to, cry with,  share EVERYTHING with.  The isolation we have become so used NOT good for us.  Your faith, strength and hope will re-ignite when you aren't living in a sea of isolation.  It will feel awkward, uncomfortable, and quite difficult initially.......but once you experience a common bond.....the transformation can be amazing to your heart and soul

I can say, for me, when I am really in a horrible soon as I reach out of myself.....change occurs.
I watched you resist talking to your hubby before and after New Yrs.......and then read your "seal all the cracks" post and how differently you felt and sounded once you DID what you were fighting internally.  The internal battle may be taking it's toll on you again.  We aren't equipped to fight alone.....warriors have other people fighting WITH them.....
I will have you on my heart and be praying for you dear one~

by Dane74, Feb 14, 2013
Hello sweet Connie,

  Thank you for all your words of wisdom.  Please don't "ponder " for me, just tell me straight up, i am use to that, i hate beating around the bush...LOL  All kidding aside, you don't need to worry about how i will take your comments, because what i have learned on this website over the past two  years is that if someone pisses me off, it only means they hit a nerve, and thats a good thing.  Now in the beginning i would cry like a baby and think everyone was ganging up on me, i quickly learned that we all are here to help each other.  My depression stems from pain physical and mental, i suffer PDST and lately it has been so bad.  I have major things going on with me, one is the sexual abuse when i was a child/teen, and let me tell you i cant get those nasty thoughts out of my mind, it comes in my dreams, it comes in flashbacks, you name it i get it, and i just cant deal with all of it.  And then i have PTSD from all my childhood trauma from all my surgeries, it just never ends.  I NEVER experienced this before as i was always on opiates to block all this crap.  I am so sick and tired of fighting.  Each day i wake up in a sweat from a nightmare, or i get wicked flashbacks of pain that i endured when in the hospital and i also have the everyday pain i deal with as well.  Whenever i get the strength to get active like go to the mall i have to pay for it later with my pain, it just ***** that i have all this to deal with and i am just feeling sorry for myself.  I don't think the Zolfolt is doing a dam thing and i just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.  I am actually going to look into Lexpro and see what thats all about and ask others there opinion as i am so scared to take a dam med.  

  Ok as for you thinking of me feeling anger, well you are kinda right.  I have anger towards the fact that i am a dam drug addict and that is so very difficult for me to believe but i know its true.  I hate the fact that my few activities like golf and enjoyment in life has all been striped away from me due to all my surgeries.  I am mad at God, and YES the list continues.

As for your recommendation on meeting another addict face to face, well i don't have that.  All my friends and people i associate with  are professionals and honestly do not have a clue as to what addiction is.  I do not go to meetings, i went twice and i just cant do it.  First off, i am very insecure, without pills, so for me to walk in a room of complete strangers just freaks me out and i just avoid it.  But it doesn't mean that i am not thinking about it, i just wish i had the strength to walk into that room, but that is HUGE for me,  i have so many issues not just being a pill head......

As for hubby i was honest with him on my slip up on New years, and guess what, i actually took him into one of my therapy sessions on tuesday!!!!  Now that was just awful, i felt like i was on trial, but the therapist was making it VERY clear how important substance abuse is and that he needs to watch for the  warning signs.  My hubby is kinda clueless with addiction but he gets all the depression and anxiety and PTSD that i am going through, i mean shoot yesterday we have been together 20 years married 17 so he knows me very well.  So it turned out to be overall a good session but i was not able to be 100% honest in there with hubby in there.  It was very difficult, but hubby took it great and i am so lucky to have such a great man, so my question why am i not happy????  The poor guy thinks its him, and its so not its all me, i am screwed up, i am a drug addict and before i know it i will be an alcoholic as well.  

Right now i am in a complete funk and i need to bounce out of it before its to late and i am very scared. I don't like feeling this vulnerable and i don't like the awful thoughts that go over in my mind, its very dark.  And i am scared

by littlebit667, Feb 14, 2013
I wish I could hug all that crap out of you!  I wish you were able to move past the pain without the work, but that is not possible,dammit.  You want it plain..well, I am gonna step out of my comfort zone and used the drugs (as did most of us) to block the pain.  It has been bottled up for years and it may never go all the way away.  The dreams are an attempt to heal yourself, but your abuse was so terrible the scenes terrify you.  PLEASE use the AD as a bridge as you try to heal.  You used the opiates to hide..use the AD's to allow you to open up and at the same time give you some peace.  I do not have all the answers.  I just know you are hanging by a thread and I so much want to throw  you a rope instead.  Love ya gal!

by Pat1956100, Feb 14, 2013
Hi Dana
I just wanted to offer my support.  I tried to go off of my AD recently because my doctor was putting me on a new med.  I ended up having to go back on it.  I was really devasted but my doctor actually took time to explain to me that I may have to be on it for the rest of my life.  
I started taking it (after trying several different ones) after my husband and sister died but I realize now I probably should have on one all my life.
Even as a teenager, I had a tendency to withdraw and was depressed.  I have always been extremely emotional and had an impending doom feeling.  
I wasn't always depressed but I did suffer often with bouts of depression.

I think some of us are just "wired" differently.  
When I went off the Effexor, I was really depressed and now that I am back on it, I feel so much better.  I don't ever want to go through the withdrawal from it again so I am resigned to being on it forever.  I hate it but that's just the way it is.

Hopefully the Lexapro works for you but if it doesn't, try something else.  Living life depressed and feeling the way you do is horrible and not necessary when 1 pill a day can fix it.  I didn't think I would ever recommend an AD after going thru Effexor withdrawal but depression is just so awful and I hate to see you living that way when you don't have to.
Keep us posted.  We care.


by Dane74, Feb 14, 2013
oh littlebit, i can feel the cyber hug, but then i am a crying mess and i hate to cry!!!!  I need the rope!!!!

  oh depression *****!!!!!  I am just so sad and  at a loss.  I am so scared actually, i never really felt this low since rehab and this scares the crap out of me.  The Zolfolt is not helping one bit, i actually feel worse not sure if its from the med or from the PTSD but i am so over it.  I looked up lexapro, so i think i need to change to that.  Here is the problem, i live in a neighborhood where everyone knows everybody, who is screwing who, and everyone knows everyones business.  My primary care doc lives in my neighborhood, so its really weird, he knows my life that i am a drug addict and all and yet we are neighbors so its really not a good idea, but he had been my doc for 10 years. I think i am going to schedule an appointment to see him and discuss all this, i need him to know that that zolfot isn't NOT working.  i don't want to see psych doc  as all they want to do is put you on more meds the only difference between them and a pain clinic is a pain clinic gives you opiates and a psych gives you all the crazy meds, so i will pass and try to get past this.  

by Nursey7, Mar 03, 2013

I feel as strongly about pain clinic docs but not about psychiatrists. I feel they have much knowledge about the brain, get a better history and are more aware of which drugs affect which neurotransmitters. They focus on the brain and are aware of general things that regular docs don't even think about. For example a bipolar person can't take certain ad, etc. One big one that has always worked for me is effexor XR with or without wellbutrin. These meds work very different from the routine Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, etc. Don't give up hope; it has taken me years

Will be thinking about YOU


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