today was SO DEPRESSING after my totally pain free day yesterday. after my shots yesterday, i felt absolutely NO PAIN. i went out with a friend and i was a normal human being. i was a sleepy human being who wasn't used to be social or active... and i was a cold human being because it was chilly out... but i was a blissful human being because i was with my best friend and we were actually hanging out and i didn't ditch on her at the last minute because of a migraine and i didn't even have a low grade headache.
and then today. today was awful. i had to take morphine THREE TIMES. and the pain level got so bad at night that i got frantic. one of those 10/10 things where i stop being me and i turn into some hurt animal and only my reptile brain is functioning and it's like "hurt hurt hurt" and that's all it knows and it goes crazy because it doesn't know how to stop the hurt and it thinks maybe a big animal is attacking it so it freaks out and starts running away and tries to fight back.... but it's just fighting itself... 10/10 pain levels are not good. it's amazing though, at a 9/10... you hurt so much but it hurts too much to even get up to get the morphine... then, it clicks over to a 10/10 and you bolt out of bed like someone stabbed you and you start running and screaming and you could do ANYTHING... you could RUN to the hospital if you needed to... that's how frantic a 10/10 pain level makes a person.
but, at the same time, you're not thinking properly. so... yeah... i couldn't drive myself to the hospital at a 9/10 pain level, hell, i can't drive with a 5/10 headache... but, if i had a 10/10 headache, i'd think i could drive, i'd try to drive, and i'd probably get into a car accident. brain doesn't function.
so. i run downstairs. thank god mom is there. thank god my parents have always been there or at the other end of the phone. i know to call them at least. i think that's part of the animal brain, parents = someone to look after you.
anyway. i grab a zomig and mom tells me it's going to be okay while i take it. then she gives me some cherrios to eat with the morphine so i'm not sick. (morphine doesn't work too well on an empty stomach and i hadn't eaten all day due to being in bed all day) but, mom tells me to eat the cherrios first. and i'm rocking back and forth, and she says "it will work soon" and i say "i have to take the morphine first for it to work" and she says "oh, i thought you already took it" and i say "you told me to eat the cherrios first" and she said "ohhh honey, i just meant with morphine, i thought you took it..." and i said "no. i'm following directions." and she said "i know. i know. that's good. little reptile brain, right? i understand. that's okay. i'll be more clear, i'll keep you safe. i'm sorry, i really thought you'd taken it... but, it's okay, take it now, you're doing good, you can keep following instructions if you need to, you'll be okay."
because... like, it had been a WHILE since i'd run down stairs screaming and since i had taken the zomig... not a LONG time... but minutes, and you would THINK a frantic screaming rocking back and forth person would have taken a pain killer by then.... but, see, your brain literally shuts down.
but i take it after i realized she wasn't telling me not to take it and i keep rocking back and forth for a long time and she stands there with me and asks me if i want her to hug me or rub my head or my back and i shake my head and she asks me if i want to lie down and i shake my head she just nods and says she'll just stand there with me and that's good because that's like hugging when you're at a 10/10 because touching hurts when you are at a 10/10 but you need someone close by and that's like hugging because you can feel their love. and i finally stopped rocking and my brain came back and i could talk like a human being again because the pain had gone down to a 8/10 and mom said it would keep getting better and it did.
and now the pain is gone again so i'm going to go to bed before my head starts trying to explode again.
as for what made today so horrible... well...
temperature could have been a factor all day.
temperature and humidity could have been a factor for the really terrible migraine i just had (midnight thursday-friday)
also, it's pretty obvious that this is connected to hormones. headaches always get worse around this time of the month :(
also, the majority of the pain was at the lower back of my head, so mom thinks it's probably connected to the chiari... because 90% of my migraines are around one eye or the other, and not at the lower back of my head. but, i get these headaches a few times a month and they always floor me. i HATE THEM. they are worse than the majority of the migraines i get and they are on par with what i refer to as my suicide migraines (the migraines i get that happen a couple times in a row every three months or so... sometimes every month).