Feb 14, 2013
Same day as my surgery...that same afternoon, my mom ripped me a new one. Yep same day. Not just yelled at...my mom decided it was a good idea to tell me all the reasons she thinks I don't have many friends here. All the reasons why people wouldn't like me. A laundry list of things that suck about me. Then she compared me to my brother and talked about how he has no trouble making friends and I should be more like him. Then she complained about my grades (um duh! I'm distracted, of course I'm getting C's, but at least I'm passing), and she said that I couldn't be a doctor if I was depressed and being on depression medication will slow me down in trying to get into residency programs (which wouldn't happen for another 3 years from now), but she just really felt like saying some more hurtful stuff. And of course I was in pain and feeling super sensitive about everything, so I really couldn't do anything but cry while she said all this stuff, and then she said I was too sensitive and the way I deal with frustration is by crying, and that's probably really off-putting to people. I love my mom and all, but I kinda forgot how mean she could be sometimes. I already knew she didn't sugar coat anything, but she says some stuff that's really unnecessary to say, too. I'm sure she said it all out of frustration and stress and everything, but I personally don't think that's any excuse.
I feel like all the energy and patience that I had...or sometimes just pretended to have while I was out...has been zapped. How tired can you possibly get? Not just physically, but emotionally. If I get hungry/thirsty/have to go to the bathroom...I don't even have the energy to drag myself out of the bed to do anything about it. I don't even want to. I don't even have the energy to turn on the television or pick up a book. I just kind of have been staring at stuff and dozing off when I'm not on here. This is why my grades are suffering. I don't really study much, and uh...duh! You can't pass medical school that way! It's just that everything seems like so much of an effort. Not sure if that's fatigue, depression, or both. But being sleepy all the time beats steroid-induced insomnia any day!
They're telling me we have to do a research project this summer. This is my last summer off that I ever get...ever! I don't wanna do anything!!! I'm so tired. I just wanna stare at the back of my eyelids. But...since they're making me do stuff >_< I applied to the in-house research program. Nothing out of state, that'd be pretty much impossible...or just super complicated trying to coordinate treatments and doctor appointments and such somewhere else. It's just supposed to be some sort of hands-on project that I fiddle around with some stuff, present a poster, write a paper, maybe defend a thesis. Something like that. Nothing major. I just don't feeeeeel like it! *whiny child voice* The goal is just "Do you know how to do research? Do you know the process? Do you know some lab techniques? Do you know the lingo?" Stuff like that. That's if I get accepted, of course. If I don't...that's the only program I applied to, and I'm SOL...but I could possibly just go shadow people at home that my mom has connections with for the summer and such. If anything, I'd have a pretty durned good excuse as to why I didn't do research this summer if it comes to that.
Reminds me...I got blood on a school paper once. Didn't realize it until I got it back. The professor didn't really know what it was. Hopefully they didn't do anything weird like lick my paper or anything. That's not their M.O. anyways.
Had some complications during the surgery. My BP dropped like crazy and it still hasn't come all the way up yet. My O2 sats also dropped while I was on the oxygen, so that's not cool either. I slept through the whole thing...like a baby. When I woke up my dad was kinda just staring at me. I was shaking cuz I was freezing!! You know...usual hospital style. Plus I was basically naked under the gown and 5 blankets and stuff...but still naked lol. I always get super cold when I'm sleepy anyways. So the surgeon came in and said stuff that sounded kinda like the adults always sound in Charlie Brown. I just needed a few minutes, they were expecting too much. But yeah, apparently my stomach and colon are all inflamed and they suspect my pancreas is, too. So it apparently wasn't just my gallbladder. They did get the gallbladder and it's uninvited passenger out, though. I don't know what that means for later, but she prescribed some more meds (Oh, joy!), and we'll see how I feel from there. As of right now...just pain. That means pain meds. That means this post was all over the place, like really?