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barracuda

Feb 16, 2013 - 1 comments

you know i was thinking to post but for several reasons it just did not seem like the right idea.

i just honestly i havent been feeling good.  i know you know even when im trying to be chipper but i just cant try right now and what does that mean wait for the mood to pass which ive been waiting all day and then some or just not post a j today.  did i write this morning?  i dont think so.

i havent been doing nothing.  i worked out this morning.  as always it was the best part of my day.  and i do try to work out 2x or more when i feel bad but today i just did not have the energy.  the workout was hard but only a little harder than usual so i thought, well if your dying Meegy you prolly would not be able to do such a intense workout.  i just.  um.

after that this guy called me for a room and he wanted me to come yesterday.  so i booked over there it is on thother side of tha valley.  it was a apt.  i didnt remember that.  it was not in the best area but not unsafe just sort of grimy you know.  it was a good enuf bldg.  sort of next to a mini minimall.

the guy was Persian which i knew before he told me cuz i had a gf who was from Iran and she was super smart and had the zak same accent as this guy.  i thought the guy was gay but no he later mentioned his animosity towards gay guys a fact which scored points with me not.  but he was nice a little younger than me and he treated me like i was younger thats what most ppl do cuz of how i act i seem young.  and.  he talked and talked and talked.  he was a bodybuilder a plumber a actor a model and he had like ten gigs.  he had moved out of the master bedrm and into the den and rented a third little room to he said a 22 yo girl.  there was also a dog it was nice.

and.  it was very clean.  the kitchen was nice cuz ya he a plummer and also um the room was super good.  it was big and it had its own bathroom with immak stall shower and um check it closets the size of a third world country.  real big like ... two of them with mirrors.  it was quite coolio.  570

but i wasnt crazy about it.  he liked me all the renters generally do cuz they think a teacher is going to be a good tenant prolly true but with the ltd guap i have i think they later are like well rillydog.  and um that one room i dint get remember.  ya.

idk why i just wasnt crazy bout it.  it was aite but for so much guap it was just idk

the guy ask me oh are you Russian i sed yah my relatives from there he sed i knew you were Russian --i think cuz my coloring and he go 'russians are serious.'  um ???  he was cool tho, just talked too much

then i went to um Star and looked at mor rooms and called and texted and a few called me back one is tomorrow at ten and that is really early cuz i usually work out then but i guess i better chek myself b4 i wrek myself and get my priori str8 yay?  i guess.  its in the mental hosp city which is far oh gah oh well thats what i has to do i guess.

so.  i went home and oh yes i shaved my legs, yes i sure did yk it was not that hard!  amajin.  yeah.  lots of hair i think i coulda sold it but it was a hassle to pick it up so yeah and um well i have to say its kind of nice ...

uh i.  unpacked a bunch of boxers tho it seems useless to do so and i took all the plastic off the clothes god summa them clothes got to goto goodwill its so much stuff and i ony mainly wear all my stepsons old shirts.  i know i like pull on these boys size 10-12 shirts just cuz i like them its so ridic.  and uh ... i cleaned up the room it took a long time and i wasnt feeling good so snail ing it thru the whole process complaining like a baby

then i went for a walk i returned my libary books.  i had been lying on the floor feeling depressed which i spent a lot of time today doing  and i thought of what tramahtr said like get up!!! stop staring at the ceiling and go for a walk.  it took a lot i just amajinned all you guys like 'you strong meegy come on' and i told myself get the hell up and finally i did.  it wasnt ez.

i called Ijah this jody foster looking chick who is hocking me a chinik to go to a meeting.  she has some disease and is often in the hop.  she was but call me back from there and reel nice she made me say a bunch of weird stuff like you know feel good s**t and then tell me we going to a mtg once she get out tonite and she gonna call and chek on me but she dont so i think she is having some probs and i hope she ok.  but she tell me i must be going crazy by now driving myself up the wall if i ain been to a mtg in so long and i sed yes i am i am doing a very good job of it.

sorta like kany ye's voices 'ahh!  get outa my hed' thats me like all the time now every day it dont stop.  i try everything nothing work i am all depresed and anxious.

i cant figger out why the ac doing what he doing.  i think he get with god and together they are retributioning me.  d you think?  i do.  i cant see why else he do it.  just selfish?  stupid?  what is it.

my stepson here today this whole weekend.  next door where i have to go for food its a bad scene cuz it like ... i just dk ht describe it to you.  he tries to be nice but hes a kid he dont know whats going on and you can tell its just a bad vibe and he feels bad and i feel bad.

when i go in the house here during the week my stepsons friend Chris always tell me hi.  he call me by my other nickname which i like as much as Meegy and hes one of the ony ppl still call me that.  and i like it.  and um.  the boys like me cuz when my s son was growing up i played with them tho the ac say i never took care of him but i did like every time practically and um i danced with the boys or like we all had a dancing competition cuz my step son and Chris is really good dancers we all liked the same music when the boys was eight or ten like rap and pop.  and i spent a lot of time with them.

so when i went there to get some food Chris always say hi you can tell he feel bad for me which is sweet.  and today he go "How was your day"  I said "me?"  he said yah.  and the other boys was surprise and i can tell my s son is just dont know what to do or how to act.  its not fun.  but chris sweet he try to be nice.

i called my therapist she's in her 70s ben sick and she was posed to call me back plus Ijah plus my other friend and none a them did.  but um.  then the one person who did call me i was kind of mean or snippy cuz i am not feeling good.

and.

i put this.


i put this bottle.

i still have the number which is on the bottle.

i dont want any help.  i dont.

and its tuesday will be when im posed to go and say that awful stuff and then i will have no more scrips.]

and so.

its the last chance.

and so.

im in pain.  my head hurts.  still.  my shoulder hurts aint got no one to give me a massage c and i got no money for that. and my back still all hurts and im mad.  i dk what is wrong with me.  every day i try to ignore it and just go about my business and i cant put it behind me like the way he is being it bothers me it just does!  im not a saint and i cant just forget it i m sorry if that makes me weak

and im trying so f*ckin hard to be strong and be good the way all of you want me to i dont want to disappoint you and

im just tired for no reason every day im tired i got um maybe  i got a sinus infect im maybe gonna go to walk in this weekend or if i go tuesday i can ask him but i just dont feel good and im tired of it this aint no way to be and im stronger than this but it seems im not and im so angry and im just

i watched this movie i seen it before um keanu reeves and carmen whats her name.  the girl from oh yeah cameron diaz and um guess who's in it?    courtney love!!! yeah baby its called feeling minnesota i think this was roughly the period of gus van sant and river phoenix with my own pi it was that genre i think of flix and this was a good time period for me and movies i like them like allott

just saying i know im posed to be into the allstars too but i just dk and who's idea was it i mean whose god Meegy to um pit the lakers against the clippers was it just for everyone to get a big laugh out of my lakers?  god.  not nice.

ok got to go.

im ok.  im just sitting here pondering cuz you know its like my last stand.  and.  

im just gonna go to bed.

and i do want to follow up cik and ciu on that barracuda issue just gimme a lil time but ty lay deez for all the answers and reserach i never ever would have known that.  i like the whole ann and nancy as lovers scandal tho ... im sorry heart.  its just a really cool thing to think about.  :p

see.  im ok

love,

Meegy

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by clean_in_ks, Feb 16, 2013
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/let-me-up/show/1856612#post_8592492

Meegy......PLEASE read your thread above........

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