Feb 16, 2013
Well here is the oh woah is me. I am so tired of being me. Not just the MS but everything in between. My MS is probably playing a bigger part than everything else but I am just TIRED!
I am tired of always screwing things up, forgetting to do things, not doing things right, or simply not good enough for everyone around me. No matter how hard I try to do things and to make people happy they never are. I just want to give up sometimes.
I am having more and more difficulty with sleeping in my bed, I am up and down all night because I am just too uncomfortable to sleep. That brings on a whole other problem, getting up is getting to be a problem too. I have to adjust myself and get up a using more of my arm muscles to push me up from a lying position than I have ever done in my life and let me tell you my strength in my arms is diminishing as well.
My son the other day asked me why everything seems so heavy to me and I told him that I don't know I just can't move and lift things like before. I can't seem to stay off of steroid which always gives me thrush so I am constantly having to use Nystatin to keep it away.
Medications help but not all the time. Spasms are getting crazy. I woke up one night screaming because my legs cramped up and I couldn't move. Scare the heck out of dh. Back spasms are horrible these days too. I can cry at the drop of a hat. One person says anything that remotly hurts my feelings and I will cry about it.
This is not the Paula I know or anyone around me knows. I am the strong, confident, hard working, care taker to all kind of person, who never let things bother me. I would always brush off my problems by thinking about those out there who are so much worse off than me. Now I am to the point where I am just losing myself.
Yes, I go through these funks every so often and I always get myself out of them but to be honest this one is bothering me, maybe it is cause I am getting older, maybe it is the Avonex and side effects, maybe it is pre menopause, or maybe it is simply me being tired of what is thrown my way and pittying myself, even though I know I shouldn't.
I know this is now what everyone wants to read in journals but to be honest writing helps me cope and feel better. If I get it out in writing then I release some of the feelings I have. I hope I haven't bored whoever reads this :) I just needed to get it out to help me start to mend my emotions before I really do go insane.