All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Tired of being me.....

Feb 16, 2013 - 8 comments

Well here is the oh woah is me. I am so tired of being me. Not just the MS but everything in between. My MS is probably playing a bigger part than everything else but I am just TIRED!

I am tired of always screwing things up, forgetting to do things, not doing things right, or simply not good enough for everyone around me. No matter how hard I try to do things and to make people happy they never are. I just want to give up sometimes.

I am having more and more difficulty with sleeping in my bed, I am up and down all night because I am just too uncomfortable to sleep. That brings on a whole other problem, getting up is getting to be a problem too. I have to adjust myself and get up a using more of my arm muscles to push me up from a lying position than I have ever done in my life and let me tell you my strength in my arms is diminishing as well.

My son the other day asked me why everything seems so heavy to me and I told him that I don't know I just can't move and lift things like before. I can't seem to stay off of steroid which always gives me thrush so I am constantly having to use Nystatin to keep it away.

Medications help but not all the time. Spasms are getting crazy. I woke up one night screaming because my legs cramped up and I couldn't move. Scare the heck out of dh. Back spasms are horrible these days too. I can cry at the drop of a hat. One person says anything that remotly hurts my feelings and I will cry about it.

This is not the Paula I know or anyone around me knows. I am the strong, confident, hard working, care taker to all kind of person, who never let things bother me. I would always brush off my problems by thinking about those out there who are so much worse off than me. Now I am to the point where I am just losing myself.

Yes, I go through these funks every so often and I always get myself out of them but to be honest this one is bothering me, maybe it is cause I am getting older, maybe it is the Avonex and side effects, maybe it is pre menopause, or maybe it is simply me being tired of what is thrown my way and pittying myself, even though I know I shouldn't.

I know this is now what everyone wants to read in journals but to be honest writing helps me cope and feel better. If I get it out in writing then I release some of the feelings I have. I hope I haven't bored whoever reads this :) I just needed to get it out to help me start to mend my emotions before I really do go insane.

Comments
Post a Comment
Avatar_f_tn
by SarahL2491, Feb 16, 2013
Like looking in a mirror......you and I are looking at each other!  

I think we are not as capable of multi-tasking or being the strong one, not having the capacity we used to have when we were "normal" and yet we keep trying because its a form of "control" against our uninvited and unwelcome guest who just won't leave us alone.

I find that I keep these problems to myself until they build beyond proper proportions and when I talked with my drug caseworker recently, she strongly recommended I follow thru on a support group.  

Yeah, getting older AND pre menopause will affect even the best able bodied person, not to mention us.  Am available anytime you need to vent or scream or anything.  I truly know what you are going thru!
Hugs
Sarah

1396846_tn?1332463110
by figuerpa, Feb 16, 2013
Thanks Sarah, I know most everyone here knows what I am going through. Things are progressing for me and my limitations are becoming more and more and it is hard for me to swallow. I just want to be me again and I know that will never happen so I need to learn to deal with it in a way that will make me happy. The progressing part is the hardest part, if things would just settle down for a while so that I can feel like me again I would be ok, but it is always something new or worsening symptoms or something.

I will get through this like I always do. It is just hard to be such a stong person in such a weak body!

Paula

198419_tn?1360245956
by sllowe, Feb 17, 2013
Hey Lady,

Surely you are more than just tired of it. Sounds to me you are piling on a fair share of self disappointment ontop! That's a huge burden to carry my friend (I've got the t-shirt). Take a couple of those "use to be able to do's" off of your long list. Your not lowering your standards by doing this, your not giving up --you are just giving yourself a much needed break from the full load.
You right, you will get through this. But, you will do so at a much slower pace, possibly  getting through 1/2 of what you need or want to, but you have to take that to the bank and feel gratified.

You don't deserve the beating you are giving yourself ma lady :)

(((gentle hugs)))
-shell



1396846_tn?1332463110
by figuerpa, Feb 17, 2013
Shell,

Thank you :) I know I need to learn to work with what I have and stop taking on more and more. I am just use to being the person who always does for everyone and now I can't and some of the people that are use to it and expect it aren't taking it so well and it hurts me. I just don't know what else I can do. I don't know how to explain to someone that doesn't want to understand or compares me to my sister who has MS and is doing great. She has had one big flair in the past 12 years and so many people compare me to her and think that I should be doing better than I am because she is. It isn't fair and I can't convince some people that MS is different in everyone. I am working on just accepting things as they are and letting the people who don't want to understand or care to understand take a back seat in my life because I really need to focus on me right now.

I am getting there, I do have a full load. Taking care of mom, my son and dh going to school and working a full time job is really taking a toll on this old body of mine :/

I will get through this it will just take some time.

Paula

Avatar_f_tn
by essdipity, Feb 17, 2013
Paula, here's another person cheering you on and hoping you'll cut yourself some slack. I don't know how you begin to do all you do. Even people in robust health would have a hard time, and you've been doing all that for a long long time.

If those seeming to criticize you are family members, it's time they got a bit of MS education. We know here, but they might not, that every case of MS is different. The MS Society web site has good info for families, and there are publications they will provide without charge. Why not look into this sort of thing, and if you hear complaints at home you will be ready with solid facts. I hope you feel better soon.

1396846_tn?1332463110
by figuerpa, Feb 17, 2013
Thank you ess,

Yeah some of them are family members and to be honest the non family members don't matter to me and I don't let them bother me it is the family that gets me. Even my other sister with MS has told everyone that mine is more progressive than hers and that MS affects everyone different. Most of the family knows it it is just a certain few and one of the certain few is a very close family member and it bothers me to no end. But I can do what you suggested and get information for them, however I think that the one specific person just doesn't want to either accept it or believe me.

I am trying to slow things down but with being a full time caregiver, school and work I don't know how to slow it down. I not be working come April but I will be starting my externship so won't really be getting a break there either. I will get through this, I have to keep telling myself that so I can believe it :)

Paula

Avatar_n_tn
by katiegirl77, Feb 18, 2013
yip at times i get fed up being me as well-it would be nice to have a period of decenet health-like a respite period or alike. I have done nothing that bad in my life so why me? why not one of the baddies eh??

1396846_tn?1332463110
by figuerpa, Feb 19, 2013
Katie,

I am just having a real hard time getting past the fact that I can't be the person that I know I am. I am still me, just not dealing well with the limitations that keep getting bigger and bigger. I am getting past it though, slowly but surely :)

Paula

Post a Comment