Feb 21, 2013
AS you all know when I feel overwhelmed I journal they often dont flow and my words are all over the place as this one will probably be as well.Its my way of releasing what I am feeling and letting go of it
So surgery is fast approaching when I 1st got the date I thought geesh thats light years ok maybe not lighyears but a ways away and now bam here I am less than a week away
I have some worry and often find myself tearing up just at the thoughts of it.
I knew the time was coming but I mean god to be 29 yrs old and have all my womanly parts removed. The parts that make me who I am, the parts that made me a mother. Its so upsetting. Its so hard to swallow that I myself most liklely will never be able to feel that precious joy and moments of life inside me again. I cant thank god enough for letting me have my chance and giving us one of his precious angels. I thank him evernight and will for the rest of my life. I always prayed for just one child one baby to be able to love and care for. We got her and I wont go back on my word. I promised god if I was just given the chance to be a mom and if I was only meant to have 1 I would accept that.
Im working on that. I mean I accept it I really do it just doesnt make it easier to swallow.
I also think about DF, the last year has been alot. We had Quinlan then lost his mom, then he had yet another job transfer/transition, then he had the grusome holiday seaon in retail, then we get hit with surgery and then possibly the C word, then ok we are more likely than not doing a total hysterctomy, so ok no more children, and we are approaching my MIL 1yr mark. I know he has alot on his plate and he keeps it all bottled up. I know he needs to release it and I want to know he is ok as well
Then of course there is my little miracle Quinlan. God she is my world. My snuggle bunny. I have never been away from her. Not for one single night. How am I going to do this. How is she going to be when Mom isnt here to put her to bed, when Im not here in the am. I worry she is going to think I have left her and will never be back.
Then I wont be able to carry her or hold her for some time. This makes me cry jus thinking about that
I know everything is going to be ok. I know we are strong we dont get anything we cant handle. I know I have amamzing support in place. I know we will pull through this the good and the bad. I know in the end it will be OK it will be OK!!!
I just pray now for the strength to be strong, the patience not to become a raging B!tch when they remove all my lady parts, I pray for patience from DF or I should say continued patience. That he understands Its not me screaming at him its my lady parts missing screaming at him
The Dr said if I can go 6-12 months with no estrogen replacement that it will be best
Then I think my lord. After all this will I be ok. Will the endometriosis stay away. Will it not come back, Have I been through enough at that point that I can enjoy the rest of my life pain free from this disease?
I pray that we will teach Quinlan to be a loving caring giving person that although in all likely hood she will be a only child may she know that she isnt going to be handled things on a golden platter or eat froma silver spoon, she will be provided for Im sure in every way imagine and have all the things and more that she needs but she will earn them and know that you have to wrk for things in life.
I pray we can teach her to be indepedent to chase her dreams whereever they take her and for her to know how much she is loved
Im not really sure how to end this...It just sorta fades off here for now. My thoughts and feelings......Any input from anyone having gone through a total hysterctomy would be great advce words of wisdom recommendations. I am open
Thank you always for reading my wandering thoughts and commenting