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Day 54 of recovery

Feb 21, 2013 - 2 comments
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Recovery

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Addiction

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NA meetings



its been a rough ride, I have 54 days without opiates or any other drugs, but i still feel hopeless. i have days where i feel better about myself, but today isn't one of those days. i cant say i have a strong desire to use, but it deffinetly crosses my mind throughout the day. I haven't been sharing and am feeling alot of self pity, which ive struggled with alot in my life, even before drugs. I got a job, a car, a warm bed to sleep in, family, other recovering addicts in my presence, food in my belly, but still living a half *** recovery. I havent been sharing at meetings as much, putting my mask on like everything is alright, my current sponsor is busy a lot and i am trying to find a new one. I need something to hold me accountable in my life, left with my thoughts and my will ends up in me losing jobs, not paying the rent, and eventually in rehab. I walked this path before and dont want a repeat. I think maybe do things for the wrong reason sometimes. When i got outta rehab, i COULDNT WAIT to show my family and friends the new me, to impress them. (another one of my downfalls). Some days i feel so good and have hope, a little peace of mind, but this past week im eerrrr idk, falling back into my old ways i think, old behaviors and thinking patterns. I could never have enough of anything i love. When i get a taste of something that makes me happy (substances, people, passions, watever, i just cant let go. I persist to keep hanging on till it just turns to black, and im right back in the same emotional hell i came from. I was just at a meeting, ofcourse didnt share, and its bubbling up. Please give me some hope and strength, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, as long as your comment is from the heart, i wont be offended. thanks.


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by frjs85, Feb 21, 2013
I just read my post last week, and i posted how happy i was. So im sitting here thinking, well what am i not doing. Last week i was on top of the world, today i want to crawl in a hole. I'm not talking. I've been isolating in my room too much, and havent shared at the meetings. Dammit i do this all the time. When i get too comortable i let my guard down. It really ***** that can't take care of myself. I deffinetly don't know whats best for me. Im gonna go to a meeting tonight and im gonna share and start looking for a new sponsor. I have to, otherwise nothings going to change. I have to start calling people, and being honest with myself where im at and what im feeling. Becuase left to my own psycholgical know how, im sitting in a room by myself feeling like im not worth anything, ill never be anything, im not worth it. This is how my brain works.

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by toothfairie, Feb 21, 2013
If i remember correctly, i was down on myself alot after the first month or so, depressed....not knowing what to do with myself etc....i just worked and came home,  i work alot so it's easy to fill up a day and weekend with just work. My counselor is on me about isolating too.  She said i have to get out and interact with people to make new friends.  None of my friends i have now use, that i know of....so that won't change, i just have to get out more and not let work me my whole existence.....

Just wanted you to know you're not alone and you are SO worth it to be clean and have a happy life.  It sounds like you are trying very hard to stay clean and i commend you for that.  Just keep your head up, it does get better....good and bad days but people that don't have problems with abusing drugs have the same problems thru life too.  

You can do this...just stay strong and know you are worth it!  

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