Feb 21, 2013
today is new years eve, and its the first one since i was 15, that ive been sober. Im a little more than 1/3 of the way through. But as am learning, recovery is a life long process. So thinking im free by 1/19/2013 is a lie. I have a lot to be happy for. My mother who is my rock in all of this, still loves me. My mom told me that my grandmother filled up with tears when she found out where I was. I told her to let everyone know where i am, im sick of hiding it. What's the point? hiding and being afraid is a feeling im all to familiar with. Like with fear, i just went upstairs twice to pray. I feel better now, like something is watching over me. My head is still all messed up. Its not clear, I cant gather my thoughts, and they keep flying out of control, i cant gather them or focus them to any degree. It's like a cyclone up there. I have a lot of pain, anger, and fear boiling in my stomach. Feelings of shame and guilt follow me everywhere. I gotta puke it all out. I did my 1st step. I told them personal stuff in my past, that still bother me today. It felt like weight was lifted off of my shoulders. If I do somehow pull though all of this, and make it then i have alot to be proud of. i'm doing something pretty great here. This takes courage to get through, I never thought id ever say admitting im a drug addict is a sign of courage, but it is. Anyone can admit they're a doctor or a lawyer, try admitting you're a drug addict, not quite as easy. The meetings are painful, but its that pain that makes us stronger. It's so real i could feel it when they share. I learned today, that i can't dwell on the past, but we should face it. In order to keep moving forward. And when we do, don't look back.